Every day is a Mission

Every day is a mission.  Getting up, making food, eating, sleeping, breathing.  I feel like I can't do it anymore.  I don't have the energy to get up in the morning or even eat.  I am beyond tired and exhausted to the point of exhaustion.  I thought going to school with two kids and a job and being married was tiring.  That's easy compared to what I'm going through now.  My mind is gone.  I am beyond baby brain.  I can't even remember my kids' names sometimes.  I rarely get any sleep and my mind is always on busy mode.  I am constantly thinking about something.  Something to do, something I may have forgotten, something I was supposed to do.  And if it's not something I forgot, I'm thinking about stuff that I should do or should have done.  I think about stuff that I could have done differently.  I think about how Mateo and Josiah think I might be neglecting them because I'm so busy with baby Jacob.  I think about how I should be doing more, and how I'm not doing enough.  And with all this thinking, nothing gets done.  I get emotionally drained and emotionally tired.  My body aches, my brain aches and in the end I just want to sleep but I can't because I have to feed the baby and because my busy brain just won't let me sleep.  I am tired.

In the middle of the busy-ness of life, I always remember, God only puts us into situations that we can handle.  So I can handle this.  Three kids, marriage, a job and all the other stuff that I'm handling right now.  God knows that I can do this, and so I will do this, and I will get through this tired phase and again, things will get better.  I also have to remember that I'm not alone in the world and I have to learn how to ask for help and learn how to let things go.  I can't worry about what other people think of me.  I need to worry about myself and my family.

As tired as I am, I feel very blessed to have 4 wonderful men in my life.  I have a beautiful family and I am very happy with my life right now because I know I am loved and I have something to live for.  Every day, as hard as it is to get up and do stuff, I do get up and I do cook, and I do eat and breathe and live through the crazyness that each day brings because I love my family and because they need me and because this is what I was meant to do.  As a mother and a wife, I was meant to love and care for my family, and it truly is a blessing to be able to do what I do every day.  I am forever grateful for what I have, and who I have in my life.

So yes, every day is a mission.  Every day is hard.  Every day is just painful and exhausting and I just want to cry.  But every day is still a blessing.  Because I am loved and I live to love.  So I thank God for my life and every part of my life.

Eye of the Tiger

Every time I hear Katy Perry's Song "Roar" I feel like crying out of utter joy.  This year has been the WORST year of my life.  EVERRRRRR.  Somehow, I managed to get through everything.  I feel like no matter how hard life got, no matter how many times I was pushed down and beaten up and shoved into a corner by life, I still got up again and fought back and I feel like a champion.  I really don't like starting off blogs with a whole paragraph about how great I am and how amazing I am because in reality, I wouldn't be here today without my family supporting me, and my friends being there for me.  I wouldn't be anywhere without the people surrounding me, and of course, without the strength of God in my heart I wouldn't have gotten through anything.

I know most of what I write is about overcoming obstacles and difficult times in life.  I just think that it's important to remember that no matter what happens in life, you can always, ALWAYS get through any difficulties that come your way, because God only gives you what you can handle, and honestly, once you get through the difficult times, you kind of feel like a champion and that you can conquer anything.  That's how I feel when I listen to this song.  I have been through so much this past year and I got through it and I feel like a champion and I want to just celebrate because I feel like I can breathe now and I am ready for more obstacles to come my way.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

Today is Going to Be a GOOD day!!!

I woke up this morning with the sun beaming on my face and thought, “Today is going to be a horrible day!”

The sun was beaming on my face, I was all sweaty because our A/C broke, and the kids are looking into my face SCREAMING for cereal.  I thought to myself, “Today is going to be a HORRIBLE day!”

I made their cereal, and my oldest decides it would be a GREAT idea to toss his bowl on the floor.  I look at the mess and think, “Today is going to be  a horrible day.”

I go to the bathroom, only to see that my husband didn’t flush the toilet and he left the toothpaste cap off.  I thought to myself, “Ugh, today is going to be a horrible day.”

I get the kids ready for school, which takes HOURS because they’re kids.  I get my bagel in the toaster and rush to put on my work clothes, only to realize that the outfit I wanted to wear is in the laundry. And to top it all off, my bagel burnt in the toaster.  Yes, today is going to be a horrible day.

I get in my car, drop the kids at school and go to work.  They raised the parking price by 10 dollars.  Amazing.  Today is going to be a horrible day.

I walk in to work only to realize that once again, the building put the AC on full blast, and I forgot my sweater at home.  I didn’t think I had to bring one seeing as how it was the hottest day of the year.  I shiver as I turn on my computer.  Today is going to be a horrible day.

Staring at my computer screen for 5 hours, freezing in my chair I decide to go for a walk outside to warm up.  It’s nice and hot out, I realize then, that I forgot to call the repair man to fix the AC.  My house is going to be boiling when I get home.  Today is going to be a horrible day!!

I walk around the block and drink about 3 gallons of water to keep myself cool.  Whew, it’s a really hot day today.  A nice policeman tells me that I should stay inside.  There’s a heat alert warning.  I walk past a couple of people on the streets thinking, they should get inside, they look thirsty.  And I walk back to the office and toss the extra water bottle I was carrying into the garbage.

I finish off the freezing day at work and drive home.  I was stuck in traffic for about an hour but I finally made it.  I picked up the kids and turned on the car radio.  The announcer said that 7 homeless people died today due to the heat.  I thought, it wasn’t THAT hot, they probably died of overdose or something.

I went home, and realized that my husband fixed the AC  and the house wasn’t even that hot.  My husband ended up coming home early and cooking dinner for me and the kids.  The kids had an exhausting day at school and wanted to sleep early and my husband and I were able to squeeze in a movie before we went to bed.  I thought to myself, I guess today wasn’t that bad of a day.

………………………………………………………………………………………

I woke up this morning with the sun beaming on my face and thought, “Today is going to be a good day!”

I reached over to pick up my satchel carrying my life’s possessions, a toothbrush, an extra change of clothes, a couple of hair ties, and two pairs of socks.  I wanted to start the day feeling fresh, only to realize that my satchel was gone.  Someone had stolen it.  “Oh well,” I thought to myself.  “Today is going to be a good day!”

I walked over to the fountain and washed my face, two little kids were laughing at me and throwing pieces of their left over hot dog buns at me.  I picked a piece up, looked at them and smiled, thinking, “Breakfast! Today really is going to be a good day!”

I gathered the rest of my “breakfast” and put it in my pocket.  I walked over to Shelley’s hut to see if she would want some breakfast too.  She wouldn’t wake up.  I thought to myself, “She’s with the Lord now, in a much happier place, probably eating a nice meal with Jesus.  Today is going to be a good day.”  I wiped the tear from my eye and continued walking.

Off to work I go.  Grabbing my usual high traffic spot at the corner of Main and 23^rd, I saw all the people walking on their way to work, busy with their cell phones and business conversations.  I found a penny on the floor, smiled to myself and thought “I may be able to afford a new toothbrush, today is going to be a good day!” 

I settled into my spot when a cranky policeman that had missed his morning coffee gave me a bright yellow piece of paper, he said I had to pay it within the next two weeks, and then he made me move from my spot.  I thought to myself “How nice that this man thinks that I can afford to pay a fine, when I don’t even have shoes on my feet.  Today is going to be a good day.”

I walked back around to find the nearest shelter.  I was hot and needed some water, the shelter is usually helpful with things like that.  Turns out, it’s one of the hottest days of the year, and the shelter is already filled with people that need water and a place to stay cool.  I thought to myself “How nice that they were able to help out that many people!  Today really IS a good day!”

I tried to find some cool air in one of the nearest buildings.  The security guard turned me away.  I tried 10 more buildings, and was turned away ten more times.  I sat on the floor and stared up at the sun.  I thought to myself, “Today is going to be a good day!”  I fell asleep out of exhaustion and heat.   I’m actually not sure if I passed out or fell asleep, but I like to think I have the privilege of resting in the beautiful sun, unlike all the business people who are stuck inside all day, slaving away in front of those computers of theirs.

My heart starts beating faster and faster as the sun reaches its highest point.  I stare up at it thinking, “What a beautiful view, not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes….” And start humming a tune.  I start feeling dizzy again.  I don’t feel so well.  I want to vomit, but the piece of bread I had for breakfast is already digested and there’s nothing left to vomit.  I try to tell myself one more time, “Today is going to be a good day!”

All of a sudden I feel someone lift me up and carry me away from all the heat and my body feels strong again.  I feel happy, the happiest I’ve been.  It’s a feeling of inexplicable joy.  I don’t want to open my eyes because I fear that this happiness will go away.  I take a quick peek at my Saviour.   I rest my head on His shoulder and I smile because I know that where I am going, EVERY DAY will be a good day, just like today.

Thank you Jesus, for making today a good day!

Love and be loved.

If you died tomorrow, how would you spend your last moments in life? If your best friend died tomorrow, what were the last words you said to her? Were they memorable? What if your wife and family were to die in a car crash? Were the last moments you spent with them memorable? Did you treat them in the way you want them to remember you? Did you say everything that needed to be said? Again I ask, what if you were to die today? Did you live your fullest, laugh your loudest and love the most?

Lately I've been thinking alot about death and what is important for me to leave my family. How do I want them to remember me? What legacy or memory do I want people to remember me by?

I realized that the most important things in life are not material things. It's not about cars or shoes or big houses. They won't always be there. The most important thing in life is building relationships with the people around you. To be remembered as loving and caring and giving. At my funeral it's not going to be my computer or my car or my phone that comes to my funeral, it will be the people that I love and the people that I built a relationship with. 

We don't know when we're going to live or die. Spend the time you have on earth loving the people around you. Don't isolate yourself. Love others and show them that you love them. They may not be there tomorrow. 

Graduated and it feels so good!

I don't think I expected to feel the way that I did this week. It was a very big week for me and being the person I am, I always try to hold in my emotions, pretending that it was no big deal to me, but it really was. I have been waiting so long to graduate from school but life and bad decisions on my part, kept pulling me away from my goal. I love school. I always have and even when I didn't really try, I would excel in school. It was the one constant in my life. No matter what happened in life, school would always be there. It was something I could melt into when my life around me was too difficult and it was something that I would push away when I wanted to do other things on life. I took advantage of school and wasted so much money. By the time I was old enough to realize how important it was and how much I enjoyed it, there was no money left.

I ended up working full time to try and get back to school and then when I worked up the courage to go back, my dramatic life turned me into a different direction. I got married. Had a baby and school was obviously on hold and not number one on my list of things to do. But it was like an unfinished puzzle. It was a constant poking at my back. I wanted to apply again when Josiah was old enough to go to daycare but by then the money bank was gone and I ended up with another life, literally. After Mateo was born I realized that I would need more than a high school education and a couple unfinished years at a post secondary school to get me a job that would help me support my kids and raise my family. School wasn't about me anymore, it was about my family.

That was it. That was the drive I needed. We had no money in the bank, all I had was determination and my need and desire to graduate for my family. Life wasn't about me anymore. It was about my kids and what would be best for them in the long run. So, I got a part time job and went to school just as Mateo turned 1. I immediately loved it. I loved the atmosphere, I loved the work, and I loved the feeling that I was accomplishing my goal not just for my sake but for my family's sake as well. This time I can't screw up. This time I can't quit no matter how much I want to, because my family is counting on me. My children are counting on me.

Semester after semester went by. I tried my best, I worked my hardest and I loved it. I was doing it! I found myself a routine. I got into the groove of being constantly busy and I found that the times where I wasn't doing anything was just a waste of time. I would work even from home, do my homework, study for tests, pick up the kids from school, make the kids dinner, make Joel dinner, life was busy, I was exhausted, but I loved it.

 And then just as the third semester was ending, right when I complete my exams, everything broke down in my family. Everything just crumbled and I had no idea why. I don't know what happened, I don't know what I did. All I knew was that I was working my butt off and it wasn't good enough. I was neglecting my family. I didn't pay attention to the issues that were happening. I failed to communicate in my marriage, rather we failed to communicate to each other. And everything broke down.
 I realized what was important in life. I realized that my kids and my family need more attention, I wanted to quit. There was no way I could complete my last semester on my own. There was no way I could do this on my own. I thought I was doing it on my own but then I realized how much I needed my family to love and encourage me. Without that then I didn't want to be in school. I don't want to be here because my family broke down and they were the only reason I was in school in the first place. My family was my motivation and with that gone I had nothing. But when Life smacks you in the face, there's always people around you to smack it right back when you can't do it yourself.

I felt God through the people around me. I literally fell into a hole and I could see all the hands trying to pick me up and pull me out of the hole. God really speaks through people and I was truly blessed by the people at church (CTO) and was even more blessed by my sister who almost single handedly pulled me out of that pit. Without my Ate and her husband and my parents and the people at CTO I would not be here today.

Life takes its dramatic turns always and it is these turns that builds me up as an individual.  I was able to overcome one of the hardest trials in my life and God was there and never let me go through any of it alone.

Here I am today, with Joel and my parents in the crowd watching me, waiting for me to cross the stage.  Here I am with my gown nicely covering my six month baby bump of a boy.  I find it unbelievable how far I have come in the last couple of years, never believing in myself that I would make it here today.  Obstacles overcome and surrounded by people that I love. And as I walk up that aisle and get my diploma, as I shake the hand of the president at Humber college, I think only of the people who supported me throughout the entire process, especially during the final semester. Without that magic slow cooker and the random acts of kindness that I received those last few months, I would not be here today, a graduate.

I really thank God for everything and for everyone that he has brought into my life. I can't and never know how to express my feelings of gratitude to those people who helped me when I thought I was alone. I spent many nights crying by myself but God kept reminding me at the most perfect moments, that I was not by myself, that I could trudge on and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am ready to face the next Obstacles and the gazillion more to come because I know that God is my rock and he will always be there to carry me through.

So today I hold my diploma but I feel like it is not just mine. I feel like in this piece of paper there is a part of myself, my sister, Jon, my parents, my husband and those at CTO who showed me continuous love and support.

You all carried me through these past few months and I wouldn't have been here without you.

To you all I am forever grateful.

Life isn't easy.  No one ever said it would be.  I've been so busy lately, even with school done, there's a lot of work to be done too.  I have had to focus more on my family lately and just drown myself in the joys of having kids and a husband.  I just love to be loved and it's a nice feeling to be loved.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it takes to be a good mother and a good wife.  My expertise in these two areas have been questionable.  I think at times I have lost focus on my family because I have been submersed in school work, exams, and school.  Now that school is finished, I am able to focus on my family and what is really important in life.  I have completed a huge milestone in my life, graduating, but I think that I maybe lost focus on really enjoying the blessings of being a mother and a wife.

Being a mom takes a lot of sacrifice.  Life isn't about me anymore, I never really get to do things for myself.  Every single decision affects my family and my children.  I need to think about them in every decision that I make because they don't have minds to think for themselves.

Josiah is 4 now, and he's starting school in September.  He's so big and is a great help, when he's in a good mood.  He puts his shoes and jacket away, cleans his table after he eats, picks up his toys and puts them away at night, and even tells us when his little brother pukes or makes a mess.  He's a little tattle tale, but that's okay, because I prefer that sometimes.  He also never lies.  If he does something wrong he says "I did it" even though he knows he might get in trouble.  A lot of the times he says "Teo made a mess" and that's okay too.  He's a very smart boy and I'm so proud of him because he is so kind and friendly and loving and independent.

Mateo is 2 years old.  He is a little bundle of trouble.  He likes to climb, he likes to pour water on the table and play with it.  He likes to cry and pukes a lot.  He eats anything he sees, and likes to just play with everything.  Mateo is a joy.  He also loves to be loved like I do.  He loves to be hugged and he hates getting in trouble.  He has to know that everything is okay even after he makes a big mess.  He needs to know that I still love him no matter what.  He is so precious and is hard to get mad at because he just looks at you with those big eyes and you know that he just wants a big hug.  He is always smiling and brings joy to anyone around him.  It's the saddest thing when he's sad.

Those are my kids.  I love them oh so much and I am so proud to be a mother to them.  It takes a lot of patience, and it takes a lot of love to be a mom.  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and tired that I forget the joys and blessings of being a mom.  My kids are so precious to me and I will always love them.

Being a wife is even harder.  As a wife you have to have a lot of patience too.  And even more love.  I love my husband more than I love a lot of people.  Most people.  I didn't know how much I loved or how much I could love until I met my husband.  Every day I'm reminded of how perfect we are together.  We are opposites on most interests and sometimes that scares me, but I also find that life is more interesting when the person you are with knows a lot of different things than you do.  Joel can talk about cars all the days of his life.  He knows the ins and outs of cars.  He works with them everyday, even on his days off he's at his work, working on cars.  It's beyond a hobby to him, it's his lifestyle.  At first I found this a bit boring and a bit annoying, but now I admire him for having that ability to know so much about a box on wheels.  To me a car is a car, but to him a car isn't just a car, it's a lot more than that.  I have learned to love cars because he loves cars.  I love what he loves, and even though I have no idea what he's saying sometimes, I can see the excitement in his eyes when he talks about cars and that makes me happy to know that he's happy.

I don't have very many hobbies.  Harry Potter, Vampire Diaries, Hunger Games, The Food Network, Joel probably isn't as interested in those things as I am but he has managed to display some sort of interest in all those things.  He's watched Harry Potter and The Hunger Games with me, we watch the Food Network together.  It's nice to know that he cares enough about me to struggle through watching the Vampire Diaries too.

Marriage isn't always easy, but it takes a lot of sacrifice on both ends to just make each other happy.  Sometimes we forget that.  Life isn't about us, it was never meant to be like that.  What I've learned so far this year is that life isn't about me.  It's not about you or anyone else.  Life is about serving others, serving God and just doing the best we can to make other people happy.  That's where I find my happiness.  Knowing that the way I am, who I am, what I do, makes other people happy.  So even though at times I feel like I've lost my identity, and I can't do anything for myself anymore, I remind myself that my life isn't about me, I'm made to serve God, I'm made to love God and love others.  Love is selfless.

When I forget who I'm supposed to be as a wife and mother, I'm reminded of these verses:

Proverbs 31:10-31

New Living Translation (NLT)

A Wife of Noble Character

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?

    She is more precious than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband can trust her,
    and she will greatly enrich his life.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

¹³ She finds wool and flax
    and busily spins it.
¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
    and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

¹⁶ She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
    with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She is energetic and strong,
    a hard worker.
¹⁸ She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
    her lamp burns late into the night.

¹⁹ Her hands are busy spinning thread,
    her fingers twisting fiber.
²⁰ She extends a helping hand to the poor
    and opens her arms to the needy.
²¹ She has no fear of winter for her household,
    for everyone has warm^[b] clothes.

²² She makes her own bedspreads.
    She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
²³ Her husband is well known at the city gates,
    where he sits with the other civic leaders.
²⁴ She makes belted linen garments
    and sashes to sell to the merchants.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.
²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
    and she gives instructions with kindness.
²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household
    and suffers nothing from laziness.

²⁸ Her children stand and bless her.
    Her husband praises her:
²⁹ “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
    but you surpass them all!”

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
    but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
³¹ Reward her for all she has done.
    Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Lesson learned of the day?  Work hard, serve others, show love to others so that they can see the love of Christ through you.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Easter.  It means a lot to me.  This holiday and Christmas are two of my favourite holidays.  Yes, partly because all the chocolate is on sale and I can buy the huge blocks of Easter bunnies for $3.99 and keep it in my freezer for two months.  Also, it is because these two holidays mark very crucial times in a Christian's life.  Christmas, when our Saviour was born, and Easter is when our Saviour became.......our Saviour.

This year began as one of the worst and hardest years of my life.  I was hurt and even though I had family and friends supporting me, I felt the most alone.  It was also a time when I realized that God never leaves me because when I did feel most alone, I still felt God hugging me and holding me in the palm of His hand.  I knew He was there helping me through these hard times.  But I was brutally hurt and in pain emotionally.

This year I learned that people make mistakes.  Sometimes people will fail you and it is up to you on how you handle those failures.  Do you hold it against them, let the anger burn in your heart until it grows into becoming an angry grudge and then you end up holding that angry ball in your heart.............or do you forgive, hold no anger, hold no resentment, and give it all to God?  How do you handle it when people seriously wrong you?  Do you punish them yourselves?  Stop talking to them?  Yell at them?  Hit them?  Do to them what they did to you?  How do you handle things when people wrong you?  What if someone took your PlayStation and deleted all your trophies?  What if someone ate your favourite shoe?  What if someone crashed your car?  What if someone cheated on you?  What if someone cut your arm off and served it in their restaurant?  What if someone just left?  How would you handle it?

What if you wronged someone else?  What if you were the one that ate the shoe because it looked like a chocolate bunny?  What if you crashed your friends car?  What if you cheated on someone, or left someone?  What if you cut someone's arm off and served it in your restaurant?  How would you want that someone to treat you?  You would beg and plead for forgiveness and not really expect it, right?  I know if someone ate my arm I'd be pretty pissed.  I couldn't high five my kids anymore.

Now ask yourself for real.  How many times have you wronged God?  How many times have you made a mistake in your life?  How many times have you made the wrong decision and not only hurt another person, but hurt God?  People will fail you, people will make mistakes.  God never makes mistakes and God never fails us, but in our lives we constantly fail Him.  What does God do in response to our failures and our mistakes?

He loves.  God is love.  We sin, we make mistakes, we make bad decisions, we are selfish and make decisions based on what we want in our lives and God says, "Here is my son, He loves you and He will die for you so that you don't have to atone for your sins."  God sent His son Jesus to die for us.  I think that is said and heard so much between Christians that for some people it becomes a regular statement with no meaning.  People hear this statement every day, and sometimes people don't really care.  So imagine this, if you are a father or a mother you know how you spend your entire life protecting your children.  Imagine having to sacrifice your own child for a whole bunch of people that have hated you and wronged you and are just purely evil against you.  Imagine watching your son die like Jesus did for people that don't care.  That's how much God loves us.  That's what love is.

Now when someone fails you, when someone wrongs you, when someone just causes you so much pain and hurt what are you going to do?  For me, I know that I will at least try to do what God did for me.  I'm going to just try and love.  Because who am I to place judgment upon other people?  Who am I to say this person doesn't deserve forgiveness even though they show true remorse and are showing that they are trying to fix everything wronged?  I am not God.  I am not perfect.  I have made many mistakes and errors in my life and I have hurt many other people.  I don't expect them to forgive me, but for me, if someone wrongs me, no matter how bad, I will try to love and forgive.

Everybody has their sins, everybody has their faults, and God still loves us no matter what.  Shouldn't we as Christians at least try and display that same kind of love and forgiveness that God gives us?  Sometimes people are more judgmental.  They think that because they didn't murder, or they didn't steal, or they don't swear or they don't do anything wrong then they are better than others.  Sometimes people think, this person wronged me so much, I'm better than them and they need to prove to me that they deserve my forgiveness.  They need to prove to me that they're good enough for me.  Some people think that when they're wronged it is their job to punish that person for doing the wrong.  I don't think that it's our place to judge, or hate on people.  I don't think that it's our place to say "This person did something so horrible that I don't want to talk to them anymore, I don't want to forgive them until they prove they are worthy of me."  I think that when someone wrongs us, we need to try, at least try and humble ourselves and forgive these people.  I'm not saying that people need to walk all over us and if someone hurts you just let them keep hurting you, that's not what I'm saying.  I'm saying that if someone that has wronged you asks for your forgiveness, try to forgive them in your heart.  Don't hold any grudges or anger, or ball up resentment, for your own good, forgive.

Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."  It is not my job to stone a prostitute or an adulterer to death.  I have many sins of my own that I should be stoning myself for.  It's not our job to judge other people.  It's not our job to hate other people for their sins and mistakes.  It is our job to love, to show love for those who have wronged us.  Let go of all the hate and anger in your life that you hold towards people or situations that have occurred.  Let go of all the burdens in your heart and let God take care of you.  Really let God take care of you.  At least for today, on Easter Sunday, on Resurrection Day, try.  Try to forgive, try to love.  Let God do His job on Easter Sunday.  Let go of your anger, your sins, your regret, your burdens and give it to God because God sent His Son to die for you.  He really did.  Don't ignore it.  Today let everything go and let God take control of your life.  Really.  Just do it.

Lose Control

Life isn't easy.  It was never meant to be.  The past few months I had to keep telling myself "God only puts us into situations that we can handle" and then I found myself asking God, "How much do you think I can handle?"  I always thought life was controllable.  I had a plan.  I planned how I wanted my future to be, what I wanted to do, and I counted on all of that and depended on those plans to follow through.  All throughout my life my plans were trumped.  Things happened and I had to alter my plan and change it.  Time and time again my plans kept on getting trumped and altered.  God was trying to tell me that I'm not in control, he is.  I can't plan for my life, because God is planning for my life.

My sister and her husband are missionaries and they are constantly called by God to go and follow his calls.  They walk in blind faith, knowing that God is leading them toward what He wants them to do.  I need to learn that, that is the lesson that God keeps trying to teach me.  I have to learn how to trust God and love him and know that He is in control of my life and that I do not need to fear.  God feeds all of the animals and all the little birds, they depend on Him for life, and He cares for them.  If God will care for His animals and creatures, I have to trust that He will care for me even more.

So even though I'm not in control of my life, I know that I will be okay.  I know that I am loved and I know that He will take care of me.  You can't plan for every moment of your life.  You need to trust God.

I trust God with my life.  I really do.  Now, after everything that has happened in my life, I know that God is taking care of me, because no matter how bad I think my life gets, I still feel His love, and His guidance.  I feel this through my family.  I feel this love through my friends who are there for me.  God takes care of me and I know it.  I'm not scared of what will happen in my future.  I know that God is holding me in the palm of His hands.  I can feel that He loves me.  It is an exhilarating feeling, knowing that I don't need to stress over my future because God is taking care of me.

Overwhelmed.

The last few months have been very overwhelming for me.  With a lot of uncontrollable factors happening in my life, I was left to depend not on myself, but for God to take control of my life.  I have learned a lot of lessons during these past few months.  One of them was patience.  I had to be patient.  Live life based on God's timing and not on mine.  I can't rush life, I can't rush the things that I want, but I have to be dependent on God and know that God is taking care of me.

I also learned about grace.  I learned that the only way to live life when people have wronged you is to be gracious to them.  Vengeance is the Lord's and I had to learn how to give everything to God and not be mad, but to be gracious to those who have wronged me.

I learned about unconditional love.  I learned how I shouldn't take my family for granted because in the most difficult of times, it is my family who is there for me.  To take care of me, to support me, and to be that stronghold that I need when I feel like I can't do anything anymore.  Without my family, I would not have gotten through these hard times.  I need my family, I love my family and I will love them forever because they will love me forever.  My family was given to me by God and we are there to help love and support each other.  I am forever grateful for my family.  Even these words do not describe how much I love my family.  I can't think of any words to describe the emotion that I feel for them.  They are incredible, unbelievable, and amazing.  I LOVE the family that God has given to me and they make me the person that I am today.

I learned that I am stronger than I think I am, but only when I am properly dependent on God.  If I am by myself, depending only on myself, I am weak, but God gives me strength when I rely on him to take care of me.

Today, specifically today, I learned that I am exhausted!  Both my boys are super sick and I am so tired from all of the stress of work and school and all the emotional stress that I have been through lately, and all the stress that it takes to care for two boys who are terribly sick with some sort of crazy pants flu they caught from the daycare.  I am tired.  I stayed at home the past 2 days and I am still so tired and exhausted.  But I do know that I get my strength from the Lord, and my family did stop by to drop off food.  

All the blessings that I used to overlook when I was a child during my "stressful" times as a teen, I have learned to embrace and love as an adult.  That's the first time I've called myself an adult, but I guess turning the ripe old age of 26 with two children, I am an adult *sigh*.  I have learned so many things in the last 25 years.  Josiah just turned 4, Mateo turned 2.  I live in a busy house, with a busy life and I am bound to encounter many issues and dramatic problems.  I think that I have finally learned how to deal with my problems.  Maybe.  Instead of trying to fix everything by myself, it is okay to ask for help.  It is okay to talk to my family and ask for advice.  It is okay to talk to God and ask for grace and love and forgiveness.  Everyone has their issues and their problems.  You're not the only person in the world with big dramatic issues.  I have learned that I need to not only put myself in perspective when life is at its worst, but I've also learned that there are people around to help you go through these problems.

For the last 2 months I have been completely overwhelmed with my own little crisis.  But I think that God and my family and friends have put me in perspective.  Helped me to realize that I am loved and that I am not the only one with crazy dramatic issues and that when life is at its worst, God is there to help me through.  Even when life is not at its worst, God is still there.

From now on, if I feel like my life is being overly dramatic and I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, I'm going to pray for those around me, and in the world who are twice more overwhelmed and exhausted and are also going through a hard time.  Love and be loved.

Waltz vs. jazz hands

I just woke up from a dream. A most enthralling dream if that is the word. In this dream I learned a valuable life lesson that, naturally, I choose to share with my social network world. I had a dream:

I was in a dance room in a line up of students. We were all supposed to be partnered up and in groups we were supposed to be auditioning or showing our teacher some sort of hyper scat jazz hands show offy move. The groups were going pretty fast and when my group came, my partner ran ahead of the line and decided to leave me and do his jazz hands audition at the head of the rest of the group. I didn't know he was my partner. All I knew was that our group was moving real fast and I had to followthem by myself doing my jazz hands show off move. The thing is, I'm not a show offy jazz hands person. I hate dancing and showing off. I passed by the teacher half heartedly.

The teacher then turned off the fast paced jazz music and called the groups back and began criticizing. Before our group was called up, I told the guy "I think you're my partner" and he said oh, and I sat beside him. As the teacher called up our group, again my partner runs to the front and leaves me. Annoyed but eager to hear his criticisms, I listened to the teacher. "You were good but your jazz hands were too show offy and you were over enthusiastic." As the teacher proceeded to judge the couple in front of me, nice, slow waltz music came on. I lost interest in the judging and told the girl in front of me that I was never really good at dancing and didn't know why they made me take this class. Probably to justify to myself the bad criticisms I was about to receive due to my lack of effort and interest in jazz hands.

As the waltz music continued to play I looked around the room and noticed two elderly couples dancing in the background to the waltz. They both were so in love and were so happy to be dancing with each other. They were kissing and being lovingly old and feeble. My heart started to cry and long for what they had.

Then I woke up. I realized immediately what the dream meant. Either you continue chasing that guy who just wants to show off in front of the class and do everything by himself to prove to everyone that he is the best so that he feels like he belongs whilst you are constantly chasing after him and him constantly trying to get away from you because you suck at dancing and are an embarrassment to him. Or you be with someone who loves you until you are old and feeble. Be with someone who will dance with you in the background not ashamed to kiss you and love you and doesn't care what anyone thinks because the woman he loves is in his arms and that's the only thing that he needs to make him happy. Not his friends, not what other people think, but that the woman he loves loves him back.

That's what I want. A love that will last until I'm old and grey. I'm not chasing the attention hog. I want to be  with someone that wants my attention and loves me for who I am.

Life in the Dip

Have you ever been on a roller coaster?  I'm sure you have.  There's this roller coaster at Wonderland called the Behemoth, I think it's the last roller coaster that I've been on.  It has this nearly 90 degree dip that makes you feel like you're plummeting to your death.  It's the longest climb to the top and the longest dip to the bottom.  That's what I feel like my life is like.  It has been a huge uphill climb, and when you're at the top you just fall, everything just falls apart.  I feel like I've worked so hard to get where I am and just when I think that I've accomplished something, I plummet.  Everything goes wrong.  What could go wrong has went wrong.  I feel like no matter how hard I work, it's not good enough.  This is the deepest and longest dive that I have ever taken in my entire life.  The biggest disappointment that I have felt and just when I think that I couldn't feel worse, the coaster is still plummeting.  It is a long dive to the bottom and I'm heading straight for it.  The ride is not over and I wish it was.

I live my life in fear.  Fear of being hurt, fear of being disappointed, fear of failing, but what I have learned is that on the Behemoth, the large and huge dip is at the beginning of the ride, and the rest of the ride has other small dips and ups and downs, but once you over come the big dive, the rest of the ride is a breeze.  I think that life is the same way.  Full of ups and downs, big ups and downs, lots of failures both from yourself and by other people, but life will pick up again.

The biggest mistake is living in that fear.  Not wanting to do anything because you feel scared that you will be disappointed or you will disappoint someone.  Not doing anything because you don't want to fail.  The worst thing you can do is live in fear so much that you just keep your life stagnant.  Stuck at the bottom and not even try to climb that uphill battle.  That's a boring ride.  You need to pick yourself up and move on.  Learn from your mistakes, learn from the past and move on.  That's how it should be.  If Josiah falls I tell him to get up, and Jojo gets up, brushes his hands and keeps walking.  Mateo on the other hand, falls and it's like the end of the world, he waits for me to pick him up and comfort him.  Mateo, just like most of us, have to learn that sometimes when you fall, no one is going to be there to pick you up, if no one is there then you have to learn to pick yourself up, brush off your hands and keep walking.  Sometimes there will be someone there and you should really take their hand to help you up, they'll help you brush up and comfort you and then help you to move on.

Life is a roller coaster ride.  Ride it all the way until the end.  Don't just settle for the stagnant bottom of the barrel ride, you have to work to make it through all the troubles and all the trials, make it out of the dip and pull yourself forward, or have someone to help you pull forward.  Sometimes dips are so low that you'll need help getting out, and people are always there to help you out.  Just make sure it is the right people.  If it's the wrong people, they're probably just going to keep you company at the bottom of the barrel, and who wants that?  It's better to climb and get up than to just sit in the dip.

I'm not a sitter.  I climb.  Right now, I need hiking shoes and a friend to help shove me out of this dip.  And I know I have that support to help me through the hard times.  Make sure that you have the right friends that will help you out of the dip and not the ones who will sit with you in the dip.

Life moves whether you sit in the dip or climb out of it.  Don't let life pass you by because you didn't want to try and climb out of your hole.

When I Cry, You Cry, We Cry Together

When I was younger, one of my cousins said that my talent or gift was the gift of compassion.  I was like "Thanks Ate Al!!!" but I had NOOOOOO idea what compassion was.  Had we had something faster than MS DOS, I probably would have looked it up on the internet........Did MS DOS have internet?

Anyways, years later, I realized what she meant.  I can literally feel other people's pain.  It's like I'm connected to them.  When I used to go to school downtown I would always see homeless people asking for money, and I used to feel so guilty for not giving them any.  But I do remember hearing from somewhere that if I give them money they're just going to buy booze or cigarettes.  I settled for vowing to buy them a sandwich or coffee once every day.  Then I realized I was too shy and ended up just feeling bad every day I went to school because I didn't give the homeless guy something.  Maybe that's why I didn't finish..................

Well, here I am now, going through my own problems and issues, and yet, I still seem to feel huge amounts of love and compassion and grace for those who have hurt me the most.  I don't feel anger or hatred, I just feel love, compassion and grace.  I don't understand why.  My sister told me it was because I know how to love because I know God's love.  She's usually right (not when it comes to driving or directions) but in these aspects she's usually right.

When going through these hard and difficult times, I think that if I didn't have people to talk to, if I didn't have people to confide in, then I wouldn't be so loving and compassionate and gracious as I am now.  But I keep thinking to myself, if I had confided in someone that was giving me bad advice, would my vulnerability realize that it was wrong advice?  What if someone told me in my vulnerability that I the correct thing to do would be to empty out my bank account and give all the money to charity.  It seems like the proper thing to do, donating to charity is a good thing, and if I had to waste all my money, it better be at a charity, right?  But where's the logic in that?  What about my kids? and rent? and groceries?  In my vulnerability during these hard times, would I still be able to discern from logic and stupidity?

I feel that it is important during these vulnerable times to hold on to the truths in your heart.  And if you lose all those truths in the process of pain and anger, hold on to one because this one truth is constant: God.  God loves you, God cares for you, God is there for you and God will take care of you.  Hold on to those truths.  If you hold on to those truths, whatever people tell you, you will be able to know whether it is Godly advice, or not so Godly advice.

In addition to holding on to these truths, confide in people that believe in these truths.  You know that they will help guide you in the right direction.  Confiding in people who don't know God, and who don't know these truths or fully understand them, will lead you in the wrong direction and you will be lost and angry and in pain longer than you should have been.  Confiding in the people who believe in these truths will help you to move on from your problems.  They will help you realize what is going wrong in your life, and they will help lead you to God.  They know compassion, they know pain, they know what you're going through.  They've been through it.  If you think you are all alone in this world and no one understands you, it's because you haven't talked to people that have held on to the proper truths in life.  You haven't spoken to people that know and love God.  How do you deal with your problems?  Talk to a godly friend, don't bottle up your anger and emotions.  You're not going to heal.  Ignoring the problem doesn't fix it.  It pushes it further down until you explode and this will happen over and over and over again until you learn how to confide in a person or people who know the truth of God's love.

When I cry, you cry, we cry together.  It was a song from my teeny days that I loved because it was so true of me to feel other people's pain when they told them to me.  If you're going to cry, cry with someone.  But make sure that someone has the ability to point you in the right direction, the direction that will help pick you up from the reason you were crying and the direction that will help you learn from mistakes.  That direction is God.  Cry with someone who will cry with you and point you towards God.

Beliefs

"I was out of balance as a kid with no guidance from adults helping me build accurate beliefs that would enable me to see life from God's viewpoint.  My early experiences led me to continuously seek pleasure, thrills, excitement, and fun.  These experiences dominated my mind, and I had no idea that the things I thought about all day and night would wind up settling into my heart as major, powerful beliefs.  Do you know what the world calls this pleasure-craving, thrill-seeking belief? Hedonism.  And I'm convinced that hedonism is the dominant belief that permeates our society.  I will explain in chapter 5 how I changed this belief, but suffice it to say for now that early experiences are one source of the beliefs we hold, often for the rest of our lives."  Gary Smalley - Change Your Heart, Change Your Life

I'm reading this book that the above excerpt was taken from.  It is an amazing book about how to change the way you think so that you can change your life.  I am only on the second chapter and I feel like this blog is essential.  This book is speaking to me in so many ways, and helping me grow in Christ.

This specific chapter was about our beliefs.  Where they came from.  Ask yourself really, what do you believe?  How do you react to situations?  What happens when life gets hard, what do you do?  Every single action you make is a reaction to what you believe.  The way we act is based on what we believe.  In the book, Gary Smalley gave an example of how his father when he was growing up had a really bad temper.  Gary hated the way his father treated them because he was always mad and yelling.  When Gary had his own children he vowed he would never become like his father, he told them "If I ever get out of control angry like my father did, let me know."  Long story short, when their family went on vacation Gary went all angry and out of control and his kids called him out on it and told him that he was acting like his father.  What's the point in me telling you this?  We are shaped by the way we grew up.  We can inherit bad beliefs, like Gary's anger and bad beliefs can come from our culture (like many women who get beaten by their husbands in Africa become accustomed to this treatment).

He then goes on to state that wrong beliefs are the source of all evils.  "What is the source of all this evil?  Did not Jesus tell us that evil actions come from the beliefs stored in a person's heart? (Matthew 15: 18-20)? It's true.  Everything anyone does is a reflection of what is in his or her heart.  These actions come from beliefs picked up early in life form experience, family or the culture and those beliefs produce the selfishness, violence, and greed we see rampant around us."

Our beliefs are real.  It is important to have the right beliefs stored in your heart.  And if right now you have the wrong beliefs, this book will help you change your heart and change your life.  I'm only on chapter 2.  I don't know how to change these beliefs, but Gary Smalley says that he's done it, that he's helped many people change their lives because of the steps he has taken to change the beliefs that they inherited.

Sometimes I think I'm worthless.  Sometimes I think that I'm not good enough to be a good mom to my children or that I have been a horrible wife.  I need to change my heart and change my life.  My value is in Heaven, that much I know.  And I know that God loves me and is carrying me through all of these difficult times.

If you feel like your life is going in the wrong direction, if you feel helpless and bound by your past, if you feel like you can't do anything to change your life, then read this book.  But you MUST be willing to actually WANT to change your life.  You can't change your life if you don't want to.

Peep and the big wide world

There's this show on TVO kids called peep and the big wide world (or something along those lines) about a baby bird who learns stuff about the world and gets lost and such. But peeps world is a little section in the forest and yet he still gets lost and gets into trouble.

For a while I think I've been stuck in my "big wide world."  I've been living in my own world getting lost in my own problems, worrying about me. Today I realized that my big wide world isnt as big as I thought it was.  I realized that however big I may think my problems are, other people have worse problems and I shouldn't be so self absorbed in my own world.

Whenever you think you are having a bad day, week or month, try and remember that the person sitting next to you in class may have just lost her mother. The customer you are serving may have just been diagnosed with terminal cancer or the person walking in front of you may have attempted suicide the night before. If you feel like you are suffering from the biggest problem that you have ever faced then pray. But don't pray for yourself, pray for those who may be suffering from a bigger issue than yours. Pray for those who don't have family or friends. Pray for someone other than yourself and you will be put into perspective.

This is a big world. Try and remember that you are not the only one living in it. Everyone has their issues and messed up lives. It's not just you. Talk to people. Make friends and be loving to those who may not feel loved. In your mind it may be your world but there are still millions of people living in it. Put yourself into perspective.

Love when you can love. Help where you can help. If you feel like you're drowning in your own problems, then serve where you can serve.

It is a big wide world with lots of people in it that need you. Be selfless. Your issue becomes smaller when you realize that other people have bigger issues than you.

Love never fails

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

How many of us say "I love you" and not really understand what real love is. Love is exactly what if is in the bible. Love is a sacrifice. It is being able to give up your life for someone else eve though they may not deserve it. Love is being able to put others first. To serve others despite what they do to you or what they think of you. If you love someone, you would do anything for their happiness. 

What am I basing this on? On Jesus' love for me. For us. We are to live like he lived. Love like he loved. Jesus set the example. He loves us even though we ridiculed and mocked him and turned our faces against him. He loves us even though we persecute him and hide ourselves from him. He loves us even though we ignore the ultimate sacrifice he made for us. He loves us even though we live for ourselves everyday. He died so that we can have eternal life. That's real love. That's what true love is. 

When you tell someone you love them, do you mean that you are willing to give your life for them, do anything for them so that they can live? So that they can be happy? Do you love with a sacrificial love? 

I can say I love you because now, only now do I understand what love is. Only now do I realize how much love I have in my heart. 

I love you. You are my forever. Love never fails. 

Love. Ain't it kinda funny

Love changes. It goes through cycles. For those of us who are married understand what I'm talking about. There's the love we feel when we first meet someone. It's the initial attraction, the whole wooing process. That's the lovey dovey cheese balls kind of love.

Then, post wooing there's the dating love. Where you learn about each others likes and dislikes and realize that you either have almost nothing in common or everything in common. This is where the real love starts to grow because you learn more about a person.

Then post dating love, there's that point in the relationship where you get comfortable. You slowly learn that you can't stop thinking about this person. You can't breathe without them. You just want to be near them all the time.

Then, you spend too much time together and you begin to get annoyed with all the little things he does and you start to wonder is he the right guy?  Then you start to compare yourself to other couples who are still in the wooing phase and you're wondering why he doesn't do that anymore. You realize you want more. This is where the relationship starts to get all rocky. You start fighting without telling him the real reason why you're mad. You start bickering about little things without arguing about te actual problem. This is what I like to call te fighting phase. You start to learn more about your partner in this phase. You learn how strong your love is for this person. You start to learn how to fight, how to endure the pain. You learn how much you really love each other because you get through this phase. Some couples don't. Some fail to see the bigger picture. Some don't learn what the real issues are. And some couples don't bother to communicate properly. This is a test of your love for each other. If you surpass this phase then good job. Your love for him will change.

Post fighting phase comes the awesome settling phase. You know each other. You know how to fight, you know that you love each other. You know now that this is the guy for you because he stayed with you throughout the whole emotional trauma and emo diva days. You know you want to be with him for the rest of your life. Finally, after a gazillion years of dating, he proposes. You say I do.  You plan the wedding with a lot of fights about money and how to spend it and what to waste it on. But these fights are loving fights because you are planning your future together.

Then, post wedding. The cycle begins all over again. Believe it or not. You experience first year marriage bliss. Like the wooing then there's the dating then the obsession where you want to be with him all the time. Then the fighting and then the calm after the storm. This cycle happens over and over again. The problem is, how much do you love this person? Do you love them enough to appreciate the cycles and stay and learn about each other and grow with each other? Or do you not even love them enough to stay.

Love. It's a funny word. Everybody can say it. But who actually means it?

My Teo

I was cranky.  I was fat.  My stomach was super heavy and I was frustrated with my waddling walk.  I wanted to not be pregnant anymore.........or ever.  I hated not knowing when he was coming.  Yes, there was a due date, but those are not so accurate nowadays.  How many people have actually delivered on their due date?! I know I haven't.  I'm a business person.  I need to plan.  I need to know what is going to happen and when.  The anticipation was eating me alive.

On the morning of January 18th I told Joel I had had enough.  I was feeling some sort of funky movings on in my stomach and I told him, 'Let's just go to the hospital.'  I had to be there at least 2 hours before I went into labour apparently because I had to complete an anti-biotic treatment.  This made things even worse.  I wasn't really allowed to go too far into labour without this treatment.  So, we went.  The nurse said that I was like, 2 cm dilated or something like that.  She wouldn't do the treatment, so she gave me the option of going home and coming back.  I told myself, 'I am having this baby today, no more waiting!'  So I told her we're staying.  Of course this is after some consultation with Joel, who's answer was always, 'It's up to you.' Which, when speaking to a cranky pregnant woman, is ALWAYS the right answer.

So we stayed.  I walked around to try and get this baby out.  After a couple of hours she said I was 4cm.  I was like, OK I want to go home, but I think Joel said we may as well stay.  I'm not sure how this exact story went.  It's been 2 years and I still have baby brain.  But it is along these lines.  Anyways, we stayed at the hospital, I kept walking, and then eventually I got my antibiotics, and after that they decided to induce me, I think.  I may be confusing this story with Josiah's.  Whatever.  Anyways, we basically got to the hospital kind of early, maybe 10:30am?  That's when this whole fiasco started.  By now, it's probably around 6 or 7pm.  So I started inducement........treatments?  I don't know proper lingo, I'm not a nurse.  So they induced me.  All this time Joel is being very patient.  He stayed with me throughout the whole process.  Amazing.

Long story short, post epidural, 20 minutes of pushing, Mateo was out.  It was 11:58am.  I was exhausted.  I was at the hospital for over 12 hours.  I was cranky, I was stressed, and the nurse asks, 'Would you like to hold him?'  I said no. I was tired and exhausted and they put the epidural too high, and I was mad at the doctor for coming too late, and I was frustrated for being in the hospital too long.  I didn't want to hold my baby.  She gave him to Joel.  I saw Joel holding him with tears in his eyes.  After I saw the joy in his face I knew that I wanted to share that joy with him.  In other words, give me my baby!  When I held Mateo for the first time, and Joel had his arms around me, we were happily staring at our second baby boy.

The next day, my parents brought Josiah to the hospital room.  Josiah didn't want to see Mateo either.  He didn't want to go near us.  I got a little sad, but I had to be understanding.  Josiah was still one, turning 2 the next month.  He was scared of the hospital and did not understand the situation.  But I had my 2 boys and my husband by my side.  That was one of the happiest moments of my life.  Realizing that I had an amazing family and I had accomplished so much at such a young age.

I am proud of who I am.  I am proud of who God made me to be.  I am proud of my sons, and I am proud of Joel.  We have gone through a lot in life, but God has been carrying us through all the trials.  We have two happy children and our own apartment and jobs that pay us enough to get by.

Mateo is a joy to our family.  He is officially 2 today.  Because he was born so close to January 19, sometimes I get confused of when his birthday actually is.  I'm pretty sure it's today.  Mateo is a happy boy, he is very energetic, very loving, almost always smiling, and has random spurts of crying which end up in smiling after 2 seconds.  He is very determined.  If he wants something, he will get it.  He is very curious and very daring.  He has guts.  He is exactly like his father.  He always makes people smile and laugh.  He is a joy in my life.

I love Mateo.  I thought it would be hard to find enough love to love my second child after I had Josiah.  I could not understand how I could have two children and love them both.  But I do.  It is possible!!

I thank God for Mateo and I wish him the happiest of lives.  I also pray that his allergies to ALL dairy foods, nuts and just everything in general will go away.

Free Will

Freewill.  It's a funny word.  God gave us free will.  He gave us the choice to choose Him or to not choose Him.  What happens when we don't?  Have you ever read the story of the prodigal son?  The story goes like this, or at least the version in my head goes like this.  

There's this guy, he has the most amazing and loving father.  He has everything, the father loves him and provides for him.  Then this guy says to his dad, hey dad, can you give me my share of my inheritance after you die?  I want it now.  So the dad says, okay fine, and gives his son that he loves oh so much all the money that he is entitled.  The son then leaves his amazing and good life and squanders all his money on "living it up."  He thinks he's having a good time, he makes his own choices, is by himself, and thinks that he's having the time of his life.  Then he runs out of money, has to work for more, and ends up eating in a pig sty with the pigs.  The guy realizes that he had it all when he was with his father.  He realizes his father loved him so much and he feels bad for treating his father so bad.  So the son walks the walk of shame and humbles himself and comes home to his father who, instead of being all mad, welcomes him with loving arms.  

That's the jist of the story.  I left out a lot about how the guy has a brother who stays with the father and stuff.  But you read it yourself. The Prodigal Son (NLT)

In case no one understood this story, you are the prodigal son, and the loving father is God.  Sometimes we make mistakes.  Sometimes we choose to stray from God and His will and what he wants in our life.  We have to be able to humble ourselves before the Lord, admit our mistakes and submit to His will for our lives. God gave us free will.  We can either choose God, or choose ourselves.  Choosing ourselves will lead to eating with the pigs, choosing God leads to eternal life.

If Jesus comes back to take all his followers to Heaven, ask yourself today, right now, are you playing the prodigal son?  Are you submitting to God's will or are you following your own selfish wants or needs.  How are you going to explain to God what your actions are and why you chose yourself over him?  How?

Every morning pray that you will do God's will in the following day.  Every morning ask for God's strength and reminders of God's love.  If you choose God, the rest of your life will fall into place.  If you choose yourself, the rest of your life will crumble.  Like my sister says, it all begins and ends with God.  Choose God.  And don't think you have all the time in the world to do so, because you don't.