Graduated and it feels so good!

I don't think I expected to feel the way that I did this week. It was a very big week for me and being the person I am, I always try to hold in my emotions, pretending that it was no big deal to me, but it really was. I have been waiting so long to graduate from school but life and bad decisions on my part, kept pulling me away from my goal. I love school. I always have and even when I didn't really try, I would excel in school. It was the one constant in my life. No matter what happened in life, school would always be there. It was something I could melt into when my life around me was too difficult and it was something that I would push away when I wanted to do other things on life. I took advantage of school and wasted so much money. By the time I was old enough to realize how important it was and how much I enjoyed it, there was no money left.

I ended up working full time to try and get back to school and then when I worked up the courage to go back, my dramatic life turned me into a different direction. I got married. Had a baby and school was obviously on hold and not number one on my list of things to do. But it was like an unfinished puzzle. It was a constant poking at my back. I wanted to apply again when Josiah was old enough to go to daycare but by then the money bank was gone and I ended up with another life, literally. After Mateo was born I realized that I would need more than a high school education and a couple unfinished years at a post secondary school to get me a job that would help me support my kids and raise my family. School wasn't about me anymore, it was about my family.

That was it. That was the drive I needed. We had no money in the bank, all I had was determination and my need and desire to graduate for my family. Life wasn't about me anymore. It was about my kids and what would be best for them in the long run. So, I got a part time job and went to school just as Mateo turned 1. I immediately loved it. I loved the atmosphere, I loved the work, and I loved the feeling that I was accomplishing my goal not just for my sake but for my family's sake as well. This time I can't screw up. This time I can't quit no matter how much I want to, because my family is counting on me. My children are counting on me.

Semester after semester went by. I tried my best, I worked my hardest and I loved it. I was doing it! I found myself a routine. I got into the groove of being constantly busy and I found that the times where I wasn't doing anything was just a waste of time. I would work even from home, do my homework, study for tests, pick up the kids from school, make the kids dinner, make Joel dinner, life was busy, I was exhausted, but I loved it.

 And then just as the third semester was ending, right when I complete my exams, everything broke down in my family. Everything just crumbled and I had no idea why. I don't know what happened, I don't know what I did. All I knew was that I was working my butt off and it wasn't good enough. I was neglecting my family. I didn't pay attention to the issues that were happening. I failed to communicate in my marriage, rather we failed to communicate to each other. And everything broke down.
 I realized what was important in life. I realized that my kids and my family need more attention, I wanted to quit. There was no way I could complete my last semester on my own. There was no way I could do this on my own. I thought I was doing it on my own but then I realized how much I needed my family to love and encourage me. Without that then I didn't want to be in school. I don't want to be here because my family broke down and they were the only reason I was in school in the first place. My family was my motivation and with that gone I had nothing. But when Life smacks you in the face, there's always people around you to smack it right back when you can't do it yourself.

I felt God through the people around me. I literally fell into a hole and I could see all the hands trying to pick me up and pull me out of the hole. God really speaks through people and I was truly blessed by the people at church (CTO) and was even more blessed by my sister who almost single handedly pulled me out of that pit. Without my Ate and her husband and my parents and the people at CTO I would not be here today.

Life takes its dramatic turns always and it is these turns that builds me up as an individual.  I was able to overcome one of the hardest trials in my life and God was there and never let me go through any of it alone.

Here I am today, with Joel and my parents in the crowd watching me, waiting for me to cross the stage.  Here I am with my gown nicely covering my six month baby bump of a boy.  I find it unbelievable how far I have come in the last couple of years, never believing in myself that I would make it here today.  Obstacles overcome and surrounded by people that I love. And as I walk up that aisle and get my diploma, as I shake the hand of the president at Humber college, I think only of the people who supported me throughout the entire process, especially during the final semester. Without that magic slow cooker and the random acts of kindness that I received those last few months, I would not be here today, a graduate.

I really thank God for everything and for everyone that he has brought into my life. I can't and never know how to express my feelings of gratitude to those people who helped me when I thought I was alone. I spent many nights crying by myself but God kept reminding me at the most perfect moments, that I was not by myself, that I could trudge on and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am ready to face the next Obstacles and the gazillion more to come because I know that God is my rock and he will always be there to carry me through.

So today I hold my diploma but I feel like it is not just mine. I feel like in this piece of paper there is a part of myself, my sister, Jon, my parents, my husband and those at CTO who showed me continuous love and support.

You all carried me through these past few months and I wouldn't have been here without you.

To you all I am forever grateful.