That's ridiculous.

Sometimes things don't work as you planned them.  I planned these holidays to go one hundred percent differently than what actually happened.  It's hard to write a blog without actually revealing what happened but secrecy is a must, for my sanity and for other people's sanity.

Therefore, as a result of secrecy, this will be a very emotional blog.  This past week has been absolute torture for me.  It feels as if someone just ripped my heart out of my body and I can hardly breathe.  Literally, it's hard for me to breathe.  It's hard for me to eat, or wake up every morning, or to go to sleep every night.  What I thought was happiness apparently wasn't.  When I thought things were okay, apparently they weren't.  At times I felt like I would rather be dead than to have to feel the pain of living.  That's how this past week has been for me.  It's hard to bounce back from such an emotional heartbreak, it really is, especially if it came out of nowhere.  I'm still somewhat in shock, hoping that I will wake up and this was all a horrible dream.  But every time I wake up, it's not a dream and my heart is still absent.

This past week I have learned about heartbreak, and now I'm learning about rebuilding.  Rebuilding my life and my heart from the very beginning.  I feel like a newborn baby, not knowing what to do, what to expect, wanting something and crying for it, and sometimes receiving nothing.  Maybe as a "newborn" I don't know what's good for me and I have to trust the Lord to take care of me and renew my strength.  I don't always get what I want.  Sometimes I expect something to happen and it doesn't and I get disappointed.  I need to learn how to trust the Lord to take care of me.  I need to learn how to trust.  I haven't been very good at that, apparently.  I have had to guard my heart for most of my life, and then when I let my guard down and feel like I can finally trust again, my heart has been snatched out of my body, tossed into the garbage, stomped on, spat upon, torn apart, ripped into a million pieces and here I am left lifeless and wandering in the dark.  That's what happens when you put your trust in people.  I need to learn how to put my trust in the Lord.  I need to learn how to love God first.  People say to guard your heart.  My heart is gone and is in the rebuilding phase.  It'll take a long time before I have a heart to guard.

My kids look at me with their innocent eyes and I don't know what to say.  I don't know how to respond to them anymore.  I feed them, I clothe them, I bathe them, I hug them, but my heart is gone and I feel like I don't know how to love them properly.  But my heart is in the rebuilding phase.  One day I'll learn how to live again, one day I'll learn how to love again.  Right now, I'm waiting on God, I'm depending on him to carry me through each day.  To give me strength to breathe in every breath.  To help me to take care of my children.  I'm depending on God to rebuild my heart.  It's just hard that once I actually let my guard down and actually trusted someone, I got hurt.  I'm scared.  I'm scared to love, I'm scared to trust.  I'm scared to be happy.  I'm just scared to live.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.  I don't want to be feeling this pain.  It's hard to live through each day.  Every day gets longer and longer and I dread waking up every morning.  God is helping me, every minute of every day, but it is a long, long process and I have to live one day at a time.  I'm not going to smile or laugh for a long time, right now it's hard to even get up.  But I have to take it one day at a time.

Maybe one day I'll be able to smile again.  Maybe one day I'll be able to laugh.  Maybe one day I'll even be able to love again.  But at this moment, for someone to expect something more of me other than just to be breathing, that's ridiculous.