Hiatus

I know, I've been on hiatus for like 2 months but life sort of took a turn. Some people would say for the worst but I'd say for the better. God has a plan for everything and I trust Him wholeheartedly.

On February 27 I will be having my own baby girl. Well, I think it's a girl, my boyfriend says boy, but like people say, momma knows best. At the prime age of 21, this new event in life has brought on many struggles, fears, and doubts, but without all of these emotions I wouldn't have turned to God for comfort.

In the beginning I was overcome with fear and stress. With my boyfriend and I both being youth leaders, a lot of pressure was put on us to make the proper decisions in how to approach things. For support and guidance we told those closest to us, we were neither condemned nor discouraged but comforted with love. We then told the youth leaders and we approached the pastor, leaving both meetings filled with guilt and shame. We were told to throw in our titles as leaders, something that we did with fear, guilt and doubt. Fear for the future of our youth, whom we both thought of as our own children. Guilt, for we were abandoning them during the prime, when they needed us most, and doubt on whether we should have left the way we did. My heart and soul was filled with a desire to serve the Lord through helping our youth, especially the girls whom I loved more than myself. It was, and still is very hard for me to let them go. By far, the hardest thing during this whole baby drama.

Our next step was to tell our parents, the last of my stresses. To my relief, it didn't go as bad as I thought it would go. I have grown to love my parents with a new found respect. I now know that my parents love me unconditionally, no matter how many mistakes I make. And, it is truly sad how I realize that now, after 21 years of their love and care that I have continuously failed to see or acknowledge. Had I known, or if I only opened my eyes too see all that they have done for me in the past, I would have went out of my way to embrace them, tell them I love them, and go out of my way to spend time with them. I would have been able to build a relationship with them, instead of this one word fiasco that I had going on for the past year.

After telling our parents, my boyfriend and I had to plan for the future. Something we are still in the process of. We have to make big people decisions because we are no longer little people. I am going to have a little person of my own shooting out of me in 5 months (and I pray that she is little because oh the pain).

I believe the hardest part in all this is disappointing people. The shame I feel when I see my family, especially my older cousins, all of whom expected better of me. The shame I feel knowing that I made my family cry, especially knowing that they're crying for me. The shame I feel in knowing that I have abandoned my girls (my small group) whom I have grown to love with all my heart. The disappointing looks, all the sad faces, the shame that I have brought to my family, has made me cry with more sadness than I have ever felt in my heart. Making this mistake when I believed no one expected anything of me is one thing, but making this mistake now knowing that people saw me, had faith in me and expected so much more of me puts a guilt in my heart that no one can ever understand. I hate saying sorry because in this case, sorry isn't enough. I feel so ashamed and one day I hope to be able to earn that trust, and faith again.

On the upside, for the first time in these 4 months, I realized that I'm actually having a baby. An ultrasound is just a picture, but when you hear the baby's heartbeat, you know that it's truly there. I only hope and pray that I will be able to love this baby at least half as much as I am loved now. And I hope my baby realizes how much she is loved earlier than I did.

*Mari