In no way did I write "hiatus" to display my pride of what I have done. I wrote the blog because I wanted people to know the true story from me and not from someone else. I am definitely not proud of the mistake that I have made. I am definitely not proud of all the pain and shame that I have caused my family. I am most definitely NOT proud of how much I have disappointed and hurt my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I am very remorseful and VERY shameful for the mistake that I have made (as I said many times in my previous blog) and apologize wholeheartedly to those that I have hurt or disappointed, and mostly apologize to my family whose opinions matter most to me. I wrote the blog because I wanted those who knew me and loved me to understand how I felt, to understand the shame and guilt that I was feeling. I wanted people to know what was going on with me and I wanted people to understand that I am utterly sorry for what has happened.
I believe that every single child, every single baby is a gift from God and that for the rest of this situation I will trust wholly in God and feel blessed and thankful that I have family and most importantly God, to help me through every step of the way.
This is why I wrote the blog, so that people will understand my remorse, and guilt and shame. I wanted people to understand how this has drastically changed my life, but in every situation I always like to think of the positive, which is why in the beginning I said that this situation is for the better, because it is far more easy to see the negative, but with God, He helps me to see the positive side, and helps me to not dwell on the negative.
The only reason why I am the way I am now, the only reason why we (me and Joel) are handling this situation the way we are now is because God gives us strength every day of our lives to wake up and see the positive and good side of all situations. God helps us to see the blessings that He has given to us. If we did not have God, we would not see things in this situation. If we did not have God, we would be absolutely miserable. With God there is always hope and love, so why would we dwell on the negative when we have the Lord with us to help us see the positive.
I know with all my heart that God loves me and that God has forgiven me for the mistakes I have made, and I trust him with all that I am to take care of me, I trust Him to love me and I trust Him to be there for me through all situations. Above all, God Loves.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Hiatus
I know, I've been on hiatus for like 2 months but life sort of took a turn. Some people would say for the worst but I'd say for the better. God has a plan for everything and I trust Him wholeheartedly.
On February 27 I will be having my own baby girl. Well, I think it's a girl, my boyfriend says boy, but like people say, momma knows best. At the prime age of 21, this new event in life has brought on many struggles, fears, and doubts, but without all of these emotions I wouldn't have turned to God for comfort.
In the beginning I was overcome with fear and stress. With my boyfriend and I both being youth leaders, a lot of pressure was put on us to make the proper decisions in how to approach things. For support and guidance we told those closest to us, we were neither condemned nor discouraged but comforted with love. We then told the youth leaders and we approached the pastor, leaving both meetings filled with guilt and shame. We were told to throw in our titles as leaders, something that we did with fear, guilt and doubt. Fear for the future of our youth, whom we both thought of as our own children. Guilt, for we were abandoning them during the prime, when they needed us most, and doubt on whether we should have left the way we did. My heart and soul was filled with a desire to serve the Lord through helping our youth, especially the girls whom I loved more than myself. It was, and still is very hard for me to let them go. By far, the hardest thing during this whole baby drama.
Our next step was to tell our parents, the last of my stresses. To my relief, it didn't go as bad as I thought it would go. I have grown to love my parents with a new found respect. I now know that my parents love me unconditionally, no matter how many mistakes I make. And, it is truly sad how I realize that now, after 21 years of their love and care that I have continuously failed to see or acknowledge. Had I known, or if I only opened my eyes too see all that they have done for me in the past, I would have went out of my way to embrace them, tell them I love them, and go out of my way to spend time with them. I would have been able to build a relationship with them, instead of this one word fiasco that I had going on for the past year.
After telling our parents, my boyfriend and I had to plan for the future. Something we are still in the process of. We have to make big people decisions because we are no longer little people. I am going to have a little person of my own shooting out of me in 5 months (and I pray that she is little because oh the pain).
I believe the hardest part in all this is disappointing people. The shame I feel when I see my family, especially my older cousins, all of whom expected better of me. The shame I feel knowing that I made my family cry, especially knowing that they're crying for me. The shame I feel in knowing that I have abandoned my girls (my small group) whom I have grown to love with all my heart. The disappointing looks, all the sad faces, the shame that I have brought to my family, has made me cry with more sadness than I have ever felt in my heart. Making this mistake when I believed no one expected anything of me is one thing, but making this mistake now knowing that people saw me, had faith in me and expected so much more of me puts a guilt in my heart that no one can ever understand. I hate saying sorry because in this case, sorry isn't enough. I feel so ashamed and one day I hope to be able to earn that trust, and faith again.
On the upside, for the first time in these 4 months, I realized that I'm actually having a baby. An ultrasound is just a picture, but when you hear the baby's heartbeat, you know that it's truly there. I only hope and pray that I will be able to love this baby at least half as much as I am loved now. And I hope my baby realizes how much she is loved earlier than I did.
*Mari
On February 27 I will be having my own baby girl. Well, I think it's a girl, my boyfriend says boy, but like people say, momma knows best. At the prime age of 21, this new event in life has brought on many struggles, fears, and doubts, but without all of these emotions I wouldn't have turned to God for comfort.
In the beginning I was overcome with fear and stress. With my boyfriend and I both being youth leaders, a lot of pressure was put on us to make the proper decisions in how to approach things. For support and guidance we told those closest to us, we were neither condemned nor discouraged but comforted with love. We then told the youth leaders and we approached the pastor, leaving both meetings filled with guilt and shame. We were told to throw in our titles as leaders, something that we did with fear, guilt and doubt. Fear for the future of our youth, whom we both thought of as our own children. Guilt, for we were abandoning them during the prime, when they needed us most, and doubt on whether we should have left the way we did. My heart and soul was filled with a desire to serve the Lord through helping our youth, especially the girls whom I loved more than myself. It was, and still is very hard for me to let them go. By far, the hardest thing during this whole baby drama.
Our next step was to tell our parents, the last of my stresses. To my relief, it didn't go as bad as I thought it would go. I have grown to love my parents with a new found respect. I now know that my parents love me unconditionally, no matter how many mistakes I make. And, it is truly sad how I realize that now, after 21 years of their love and care that I have continuously failed to see or acknowledge. Had I known, or if I only opened my eyes too see all that they have done for me in the past, I would have went out of my way to embrace them, tell them I love them, and go out of my way to spend time with them. I would have been able to build a relationship with them, instead of this one word fiasco that I had going on for the past year.
After telling our parents, my boyfriend and I had to plan for the future. Something we are still in the process of. We have to make big people decisions because we are no longer little people. I am going to have a little person of my own shooting out of me in 5 months (and I pray that she is little because oh the pain).
I believe the hardest part in all this is disappointing people. The shame I feel when I see my family, especially my older cousins, all of whom expected better of me. The shame I feel knowing that I made my family cry, especially knowing that they're crying for me. The shame I feel in knowing that I have abandoned my girls (my small group) whom I have grown to love with all my heart. The disappointing looks, all the sad faces, the shame that I have brought to my family, has made me cry with more sadness than I have ever felt in my heart. Making this mistake when I believed no one expected anything of me is one thing, but making this mistake now knowing that people saw me, had faith in me and expected so much more of me puts a guilt in my heart that no one can ever understand. I hate saying sorry because in this case, sorry isn't enough. I feel so ashamed and one day I hope to be able to earn that trust, and faith again.
On the upside, for the first time in these 4 months, I realized that I'm actually having a baby. An ultrasound is just a picture, but when you hear the baby's heartbeat, you know that it's truly there. I only hope and pray that I will be able to love this baby at least half as much as I am loved now. And I hope my baby realizes how much she is loved earlier than I did.
*Mari
Sunday, June 1, 2008
When bad things happen........
Honestly, how hard is life? It can be one hundred percent amazing and then one by one life comes crashing down. Things that you depend on to be there, leave you. Things that you look forward to, get canceled. How hard is it to be happy? Very hard, unless you're a Christian.
Being a Christian means seeing things from a different perspective. When something bad happens, say your car crashes and insurance decides not to cover it, a non-Christian may view this situation as extremely bad. They are losing $11,000 and their insurance rate will be $500 more every month. A non-Christian would see the worst of things and whine and complain. A Christian's point of view would be totally different. Instead of seeing the worst of things, they see how these events can help change them for the better. Yes, they are losing a lot of money, but at least they are safe, at least no one was hurt. Money isn't everything.
A Christian would also try and see why God would put them in this situation and how they can learn from it. Maybe the person behind the wheel was not supposed to be driving. Mistakes happen, and God was trying to teach a lesson. Maybe God is trying to teach this person patience, they were not allowed to be driving, so they crashed.
In every bad situation, there is always a reason or a lesson behind it. Life sucks, it ultimately sucks, but when you know that God is always there to help you through everything then it doesn't suck as bad. Knowing that God will take care of you through every bad situation, every mistake, every hurt and pain and sorrow. Just knowing that He loves you and will always watch over you is comfort enough to live through this crappy life.
The book of Job in the Bible talks about a man who was one hundred percent loyal to God. Satan said to God that if everything was taken away from Job then Job would no longer be faithful and love God. God then gave Satan the ability to take everything away from Job, but made sure that Job was not hurt. After having all of his treasures burnt, blown up, after his children were murdered, Job stayed faithful to God.
God is in control of everything, and there is always a reason for every bad thing that happens. Instead of whining and crying about it, learn from it. Ask God to show you why the bad things are happening and ask Him for the strength to be able to endure any type of suffering that happens in life.
Life ultimately sucks, but when you turn to God, He will help you through it.
Being a Christian means seeing things from a different perspective. When something bad happens, say your car crashes and insurance decides not to cover it, a non-Christian may view this situation as extremely bad. They are losing $11,000 and their insurance rate will be $500 more every month. A non-Christian would see the worst of things and whine and complain. A Christian's point of view would be totally different. Instead of seeing the worst of things, they see how these events can help change them for the better. Yes, they are losing a lot of money, but at least they are safe, at least no one was hurt. Money isn't everything.
A Christian would also try and see why God would put them in this situation and how they can learn from it. Maybe the person behind the wheel was not supposed to be driving. Mistakes happen, and God was trying to teach a lesson. Maybe God is trying to teach this person patience, they were not allowed to be driving, so they crashed.
In every bad situation, there is always a reason or a lesson behind it. Life sucks, it ultimately sucks, but when you know that God is always there to help you through everything then it doesn't suck as bad. Knowing that God will take care of you through every bad situation, every mistake, every hurt and pain and sorrow. Just knowing that He loves you and will always watch over you is comfort enough to live through this crappy life.
The book of Job in the Bible talks about a man who was one hundred percent loyal to God. Satan said to God that if everything was taken away from Job then Job would no longer be faithful and love God. God then gave Satan the ability to take everything away from Job, but made sure that Job was not hurt. After having all of his treasures burnt, blown up, after his children were murdered, Job stayed faithful to God.
God is in control of everything, and there is always a reason for every bad thing that happens. Instead of whining and crying about it, learn from it. Ask God to show you why the bad things are happening and ask Him for the strength to be able to endure any type of suffering that happens in life.
Life ultimately sucks, but when you turn to God, He will help you through it.
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