Every day is a mission. Getting up, making food, eating, sleeping, breathing. I feel like I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy to get up in the morning or even eat. I am beyond tired and exhausted to the point of exhaustion. I thought going to school with two kids and a job and being married was tiring. That's easy compared to what I'm going through now. My mind is gone. I am beyond baby brain. I can't even remember my kids' names sometimes. I rarely get any sleep and my mind is always on busy mode. I am constantly thinking about something. Something to do, something I may have forgotten, something I was supposed to do. And if it's not something I forgot, I'm thinking about stuff that I should do or should have done. I think about stuff that I could have done differently. I think about how Mateo and Josiah think I might be neglecting them because I'm so busy with baby Jacob. I think about how I should be doing more, and how I'm not doing enough. And with all this thinking, nothing gets done. I get emotionally drained and emotionally tired. My body aches, my brain aches and in the end I just want to sleep but I can't because I have to feed the baby and because my busy brain just won't let me sleep. I am tired.
In the middle of the busy-ness of life, I always remember, God only puts us into situations that we can handle. So I can handle this. Three kids, marriage, a job and all the other stuff that I'm handling right now. God knows that I can do this, and so I will do this, and I will get through this tired phase and again, things will get better. I also have to remember that I'm not alone in the world and I have to learn how to ask for help and learn how to let things go. I can't worry about what other people think of me. I need to worry about myself and my family.
As tired as I am, I feel very blessed to have 4 wonderful men in my life. I have a beautiful family and I am very happy with my life right now because I know I am loved and I have something to live for. Every day, as hard as it is to get up and do stuff, I do get up and I do cook, and I do eat and breathe and live through the crazyness that each day brings because I love my family and because they need me and because this is what I was meant to do. As a mother and a wife, I was meant to love and care for my family, and it truly is a blessing to be able to do what I do every day. I am forever grateful for what I have, and who I have in my life.
So yes, every day is a mission. Every day is hard. Every day is just painful and exhausting and I just want to cry. But every day is still a blessing. Because I am loved and I live to love. So I thank God for my life and every part of my life.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Eye of the Tiger
Every time I hear Katy Perry's Song "Roar" I feel like crying out of utter joy. This year has been the WORST year of my life. EVERRRRRR. Somehow, I managed to get through everything. I feel like no matter how hard life got, no matter how many times I was pushed down and beaten up and shoved into a corner by life, I still got up again and fought back and I feel like a champion. I really don't like starting off blogs with a whole paragraph about how great I am and how amazing I am because in reality, I wouldn't be here today without my family supporting me, and my friends being there for me. I wouldn't be anywhere without the people surrounding me, and of course, without the strength of God in my heart I wouldn't have gotten through anything.
I know most of what I write is about overcoming obstacles and difficult times in life. I just think that it's important to remember that no matter what happens in life, you can always, ALWAYS get through any difficulties that come your way, because God only gives you what you can handle, and honestly, once you get through the difficult times, you kind of feel like a champion and that you can conquer anything. That's how I feel when I listen to this song. I have been through so much this past year and I got through it and I feel like a champion and I want to just celebrate because I feel like I can breathe now and I am ready for more obstacles to come my way.
I know most of what I write is about overcoming obstacles and difficult times in life. I just think that it's important to remember that no matter what happens in life, you can always, ALWAYS get through any difficulties that come your way, because God only gives you what you can handle, and honestly, once you get through the difficult times, you kind of feel like a champion and that you can conquer anything. That's how I feel when I listen to this song. I have been through so much this past year and I got through it and I feel like a champion and I want to just celebrate because I feel like I can breathe now and I am ready for more obstacles to come my way.
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
You’re gonna hear me roar
Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
You’re gonna hear me roar
Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Today is Going to Be a GOOD day!!!
I woke up this morning with the sun beaming on my face and thought, “Today is going to be a horrible day!”
The sun was beaming on my face, I was all sweaty because our A/C broke, and the kids are looking into my face SCREAMING for cereal. I thought to myself, “Today is going to be a HORRIBLE day!”
I made their cereal, and my oldest decides it would be a GREAT idea to toss his bowl on the floor. I look at the mess and think, “Today is going to be a horrible day.”
I go to the bathroom, only to see that my husband didn’t flush the toilet and he left the toothpaste cap off. I thought to myself, “Ugh, today is going to be a horrible day.”
I get the kids ready for school, which takes HOURS because they’re kids. I get my bagel in the toaster and rush to put on my work clothes, only to realize that the outfit I wanted to wear is in the laundry. And to top it all off, my bagel burnt in the toaster. Yes, today is going to be a horrible day.
I get in my car, drop the kids at school and go to work. They raised the parking price by 10 dollars. Amazing. Today is going to be a horrible day.
I walk in to work only to realize that once again, the building put the AC on full blast, and I forgot my sweater at home. I didn’t think I had to bring one seeing as how it was the hottest day of the year. I shiver as I turn on my computer. Today is going to be a horrible day.
Staring at my computer screen for 5 hours, freezing in my chair I decide to go for a walk outside to warm up. It’s nice and hot out, I realize then, that I forgot to call the repair man to fix the AC. My house is going to be boiling when I get home. Today is going to be a horrible day!!
I walk around the block and drink about 3 gallons of water to keep myself cool. Whew, it’s a really hot day today. A nice policeman tells me that I should stay inside. There’s a heat alert warning. I walk past a couple of people on the streets thinking, they should get inside, they look thirsty. And I walk back to the office and toss the extra water bottle I was carrying into the garbage.
I finish off the freezing day at work and drive home. I was stuck in traffic for about an hour but I finally made it. I picked up the kids and turned on the car radio. The announcer said that 7 homeless people died today due to the heat. I thought, it wasn’t THAT hot, they probably died of overdose or something.
I went home, and realized that my husband fixed the AC and the house wasn’t even that hot. My husband ended up coming home early and cooking dinner for me and the kids. The kids had an exhausting day at school and wanted to sleep early and my husband and I were able to squeeze in a movie before we went to bed. I thought to myself, I guess today wasn’t that bad of a day.
………………………………………………………………………………………
I woke up this morning with the sun beaming on my face and thought, “Today is going to be a good day!”
I reached over to pick up my satchel carrying my life’s possessions, a toothbrush, an extra change of clothes, a couple of hair ties, and two pairs of socks. I wanted to start the day feeling fresh, only to realize that my satchel was gone. Someone had stolen it. “Oh well,” I thought to myself. “Today is going to be a good day!”
I walked over to the fountain and washed my face, two little kids were laughing at me and throwing pieces of their left over hot dog buns at me. I picked a piece up, looked at them and smiled, thinking, “Breakfast! Today really is going to be a good day!”
I gathered the rest of my “breakfast” and put it in my pocket. I walked over to Shelley’s hut to see if she would want some breakfast too. She wouldn’t wake up. I thought to myself, “She’s with the Lord now, in a much happier place, probably eating a nice meal with Jesus. Today is going to be a good day.” I wiped the tear from my eye and continued walking.
Off to work I go. Grabbing my usual high traffic spot at the corner of Main and 23rd, I saw all the people walking on their way to work, busy with their cell phones and business conversations. I found a penny on the floor, smiled to myself and thought “I may be able to afford a new toothbrush, today is going to be a good day!”
I settled into my spot when a cranky policeman that had missed his morning coffee gave me a bright yellow piece of paper, he said I had to pay it within the next two weeks, and then he made me move from my spot. I thought to myself “How nice that this man thinks that I can afford to pay a fine, when I don’t even have shoes on my feet. Today is going to be a good day.”
I walked back around to find the nearest shelter. I was hot and needed some water, the shelter is usually helpful with things like that. Turns out, it’s one of the hottest days of the year, and the shelter is already filled with people that need water and a place to stay cool. I thought to myself “How nice that they were able to help out that many people! Today really IS a good day!”
I tried to find some cool air in one of the nearest buildings. The security guard turned me away. I tried 10 more buildings, and was turned away ten more times. I sat on the floor and stared up at the sun. I thought to myself, “Today is going to be a good day!” I fell asleep out of exhaustion and heat. I’m actually not sure if I passed out or fell asleep, but I like to think I have the privilege of resting in the beautiful sun, unlike all the business people who are stuck inside all day, slaving away in front of those computers of theirs.
My heart starts beating faster and faster as the sun reaches its highest point. I stare up at it thinking, “What a beautiful view, not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes….” And start humming a tune. I start feeling dizzy again. I don’t feel so well. I want to vomit, but the piece of bread I had for breakfast is already digested and there’s nothing left to vomit. I try to tell myself one more time, “Today is going to be a good day!”
Thank you Jesus, for making today a good day!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Love and be loved.
If you died tomorrow, how would you spend your last moments in life? If your best friend died tomorrow, what were the last words you said to her? Were they memorable? What if your wife and family were to die in a car crash? Were the last moments you spent with them memorable? Did you treat them in the way you want them to remember you? Did you say everything that needed to be said? Again I ask, what if you were to die today? Did you live your fullest, laugh your loudest and love the most?
Lately I've been thinking alot about death and what is important for me to leave my family. How do I want them to remember me? What legacy or memory do I want people to remember me by?
I realized that the most important things in life are not material things. It's not about cars or shoes or big houses. They won't always be there. The most important thing in life is building relationships with the people around you. To be remembered as loving and caring and giving. At my funeral it's not going to be my computer or my car or my phone that comes to my funeral, it will be the people that I love and the people that I built a relationship with.
We don't know when we're going to live or die. Spend the time you have on earth loving the people around you. Don't isolate yourself. Love others and show them that you love them. They may not be there tomorrow.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Graduated and it feels so good!
I don't think I expected to feel the way that I did this week. It was a very big week for me and being the person I am, I always try to hold in my emotions, pretending that it was no big deal to me, but it really was. I have been waiting so long to graduate from school but life and bad decisions on my part, kept pulling me away from my goal. I love school. I always have and even when I didn't really try, I would excel in school. It was the one constant in my life. No matter what happened in life, school would always be there. It was something I could melt into when my life around me was too difficult and it was something that I would push away when I wanted to do other things on life. I took advantage of school and wasted so much money. By the time I was old enough to realize how important it was and how much I enjoyed it, there was no money left.
I ended up working full time to try and get back to school and then when I worked up the courage to go back, my dramatic life turned me into a different direction. I got married. Had a baby and school was obviously on hold and not number one on my list of things to do. But it was like an unfinished puzzle. It was a constant poking at my back. I wanted to apply again when Josiah was old enough to go to daycare but by then the money bank was gone and I ended up with another life, literally. After Mateo was born I realized that I would need more than a high school education and a couple unfinished years at a post secondary school to get me a job that would help me support my kids and raise my family. School wasn't about me anymore, it was about my family.
That was it. That was the drive I needed. We had no money in the bank, all I had was determination and my need and desire to graduate for my family. Life wasn't about me anymore. It was about my kids and what would be best for them in the long run. So, I got a part time job and went to school just as Mateo turned 1. I immediately loved it. I loved the atmosphere, I loved the work, and I loved the feeling that I was accomplishing my goal not just for my sake but for my family's sake as well. This time I can't screw up. This time I can't quit no matter how much I want to, because my family is counting on me. My children are counting on me.
Semester after semester went by. I tried my best, I worked my hardest and I loved it. I was doing it! I found myself a routine. I got into the groove of being constantly busy and I found that the times where I wasn't doing anything was just a waste of time. I would work even from home, do my homework, study for tests, pick up the kids from school, make the kids dinner, make Joel dinner, life was busy, I was exhausted, but I loved it.
And then just as the third semester was ending, right when I complete my exams, everything broke down in my family. Everything just crumbled and I had no idea why. I don't know what happened, I don't know what I did. All I knew was that I was working my butt off and it wasn't good enough. I was neglecting my family. I didn't pay attention to the issues that were happening. I failed to communicate in my marriage, rather we failed to communicate to each other. And everything broke down.
I realized what was important in life. I realized that my kids and my family need more attention, I wanted to quit. There was no way I could complete my last semester on my own. There was no way I could do this on my own. I thought I was doing it on my own but then I realized how much I needed my family to love and encourage me. Without that then I didn't want to be in school. I don't want to be here because my family broke down and they were the only reason I was in school in the first place. My family was my motivation and with that gone I had nothing. But when Life smacks you in the face, there's always people around you to smack it right back when you can't do it yourself.
I felt God through the people around me. I literally fell into a hole and I could see all the hands trying to pick me up and pull me out of the hole. God really speaks through people and I was truly blessed by the people at church (CTO) and was even more blessed by my sister who almost single handedly pulled me out of that pit. Without my Ate and her husband and my parents and the people at CTO I would not be here today.
Life takes its dramatic turns always and it is these turns that builds me up as an individual. I was able to overcome one of the hardest trials in my life and God was there and never let me go through any of it alone.
Here I am today, with Joel and my parents in the crowd watching me, waiting for me to cross the stage. Here I am with my gown nicely covering my six month baby bump of a boy. I find it unbelievable how far I have come in the last couple of years, never believing in myself that I would make it here today. Obstacles overcome and surrounded by people that I love. And as I walk up that aisle and get my diploma, as I shake the hand of the president at Humber college, I think only of the people who supported me throughout the entire process, especially during the final semester. Without that magic slow cooker and the random acts of kindness that I received those last few months, I would not be here today, a graduate.
I really thank God for everything and for everyone that he has brought into my life. I can't and never know how to express my feelings of gratitude to those people who helped me when I thought I was alone. I spent many nights crying by myself but God kept reminding me at the most perfect moments, that I was not by myself, that I could trudge on and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am ready to face the next Obstacles and the gazillion more to come because I know that God is my rock and he will always be there to carry me through.
So today I hold my diploma but I feel like it is not just mine. I feel like in this piece of paper there is a part of myself, my sister, Jon, my parents, my husband and those at CTO who showed me continuous love and support.
You all carried me through these past few months and I wouldn't have been here without you.
To you all I am forever grateful.
I ended up working full time to try and get back to school and then when I worked up the courage to go back, my dramatic life turned me into a different direction. I got married. Had a baby and school was obviously on hold and not number one on my list of things to do. But it was like an unfinished puzzle. It was a constant poking at my back. I wanted to apply again when Josiah was old enough to go to daycare but by then the money bank was gone and I ended up with another life, literally. After Mateo was born I realized that I would need more than a high school education and a couple unfinished years at a post secondary school to get me a job that would help me support my kids and raise my family. School wasn't about me anymore, it was about my family.
That was it. That was the drive I needed. We had no money in the bank, all I had was determination and my need and desire to graduate for my family. Life wasn't about me anymore. It was about my kids and what would be best for them in the long run. So, I got a part time job and went to school just as Mateo turned 1. I immediately loved it. I loved the atmosphere, I loved the work, and I loved the feeling that I was accomplishing my goal not just for my sake but for my family's sake as well. This time I can't screw up. This time I can't quit no matter how much I want to, because my family is counting on me. My children are counting on me.
Semester after semester went by. I tried my best, I worked my hardest and I loved it. I was doing it! I found myself a routine. I got into the groove of being constantly busy and I found that the times where I wasn't doing anything was just a waste of time. I would work even from home, do my homework, study for tests, pick up the kids from school, make the kids dinner, make Joel dinner, life was busy, I was exhausted, but I loved it.
And then just as the third semester was ending, right when I complete my exams, everything broke down in my family. Everything just crumbled and I had no idea why. I don't know what happened, I don't know what I did. All I knew was that I was working my butt off and it wasn't good enough. I was neglecting my family. I didn't pay attention to the issues that were happening. I failed to communicate in my marriage, rather we failed to communicate to each other. And everything broke down.
I realized what was important in life. I realized that my kids and my family need more attention, I wanted to quit. There was no way I could complete my last semester on my own. There was no way I could do this on my own. I thought I was doing it on my own but then I realized how much I needed my family to love and encourage me. Without that then I didn't want to be in school. I don't want to be here because my family broke down and they were the only reason I was in school in the first place. My family was my motivation and with that gone I had nothing. But when Life smacks you in the face, there's always people around you to smack it right back when you can't do it yourself.
I felt God through the people around me. I literally fell into a hole and I could see all the hands trying to pick me up and pull me out of the hole. God really speaks through people and I was truly blessed by the people at church (CTO) and was even more blessed by my sister who almost single handedly pulled me out of that pit. Without my Ate and her husband and my parents and the people at CTO I would not be here today.
Life takes its dramatic turns always and it is these turns that builds me up as an individual. I was able to overcome one of the hardest trials in my life and God was there and never let me go through any of it alone.
Here I am today, with Joel and my parents in the crowd watching me, waiting for me to cross the stage. Here I am with my gown nicely covering my six month baby bump of a boy. I find it unbelievable how far I have come in the last couple of years, never believing in myself that I would make it here today. Obstacles overcome and surrounded by people that I love. And as I walk up that aisle and get my diploma, as I shake the hand of the president at Humber college, I think only of the people who supported me throughout the entire process, especially during the final semester. Without that magic slow cooker and the random acts of kindness that I received those last few months, I would not be here today, a graduate.
I really thank God for everything and for everyone that he has brought into my life. I can't and never know how to express my feelings of gratitude to those people who helped me when I thought I was alone. I spent many nights crying by myself but God kept reminding me at the most perfect moments, that I was not by myself, that I could trudge on and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am ready to face the next Obstacles and the gazillion more to come because I know that God is my rock and he will always be there to carry me through.
So today I hold my diploma but I feel like it is not just mine. I feel like in this piece of paper there is a part of myself, my sister, Jon, my parents, my husband and those at CTO who showed me continuous love and support.
You all carried me through these past few months and I wouldn't have been here without you.
To you all I am forever grateful.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Life isn't easy. No one ever said it would be. I've been so busy lately, even with school done, there's a lot of work to be done too. I have had to focus more on my family lately and just drown myself in the joys of having kids and a husband. I just love to be loved and it's a nice feeling to be loved.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it takes to be a good mother and a good wife. My expertise in these two areas have been questionable. I think at times I have lost focus on my family because I have been submersed in school work, exams, and school. Now that school is finished, I am able to focus on my family and what is really important in life. I have completed a huge milestone in my life, graduating, but I think that I maybe lost focus on really enjoying the blessings of being a mother and a wife.
Being a mom takes a lot of sacrifice. Life isn't about me anymore, I never really get to do things for myself. Every single decision affects my family and my children. I need to think about them in every decision that I make because they don't have minds to think for themselves.
Josiah is 4 now, and he's starting school in September. He's so big and is a great help, when he's in a good mood. He puts his shoes and jacket away, cleans his table after he eats, picks up his toys and puts them away at night, and even tells us when his little brother pukes or makes a mess. He's a little tattle tale, but that's okay, because I prefer that sometimes. He also never lies. If he does something wrong he says "I did it" even though he knows he might get in trouble. A lot of the times he says "Teo made a mess" and that's okay too. He's a very smart boy and I'm so proud of him because he is so kind and friendly and loving and independent.
Mateo is 2 years old. He is a little bundle of trouble. He likes to climb, he likes to pour water on the table and play with it. He likes to cry and pukes a lot. He eats anything he sees, and likes to just play with everything. Mateo is a joy. He also loves to be loved like I do. He loves to be hugged and he hates getting in trouble. He has to know that everything is okay even after he makes a big mess. He needs to know that I still love him no matter what. He is so precious and is hard to get mad at because he just looks at you with those big eyes and you know that he just wants a big hug. He is always smiling and brings joy to anyone around him. It's the saddest thing when he's sad.
Those are my kids. I love them oh so much and I am so proud to be a mother to them. It takes a lot of patience, and it takes a lot of love to be a mom. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and tired that I forget the joys and blessings of being a mom. My kids are so precious to me and I will always love them.
Being a wife is even harder. As a wife you have to have a lot of patience too. And even more love. I love my husband more than I love a lot of people. Most people. I didn't know how much I loved or how much I could love until I met my husband. Every day I'm reminded of how perfect we are together. We are opposites on most interests and sometimes that scares me, but I also find that life is more interesting when the person you are with knows a lot of different things than you do. Joel can talk about cars all the days of his life. He knows the ins and outs of cars. He works with them everyday, even on his days off he's at his work, working on cars. It's beyond a hobby to him, it's his lifestyle. At first I found this a bit boring and a bit annoying, but now I admire him for having that ability to know so much about a box on wheels. To me a car is a car, but to him a car isn't just a car, it's a lot more than that. I have learned to love cars because he loves cars. I love what he loves, and even though I have no idea what he's saying sometimes, I can see the excitement in his eyes when he talks about cars and that makes me happy to know that he's happy.
I don't have very many hobbies. Harry Potter, Vampire Diaries, Hunger Games, The Food Network, Joel probably isn't as interested in those things as I am but he has managed to display some sort of interest in all those things. He's watched Harry Potter and The Hunger Games with me, we watch the Food Network together. It's nice to know that he cares enough about me to struggle through watching the Vampire Diaries too.
Marriage isn't always easy, but it takes a lot of sacrifice on both ends to just make each other happy. Sometimes we forget that. Life isn't about us, it was never meant to be like that. What I've learned so far this year is that life isn't about me. It's not about you or anyone else. Life is about serving others, serving God and just doing the best we can to make other people happy. That's where I find my happiness. Knowing that the way I am, who I am, what I do, makes other people happy. So even though at times I feel like I've lost my identity, and I can't do anything for myself anymore, I remind myself that my life isn't about me, I'm made to serve God, I'm made to love God and love others. Love is selfless.
When I forget who I'm supposed to be as a wife and mother, I'm reminded of these verses:
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it takes to be a good mother and a good wife. My expertise in these two areas have been questionable. I think at times I have lost focus on my family because I have been submersed in school work, exams, and school. Now that school is finished, I am able to focus on my family and what is really important in life. I have completed a huge milestone in my life, graduating, but I think that I maybe lost focus on really enjoying the blessings of being a mother and a wife.
Being a mom takes a lot of sacrifice. Life isn't about me anymore, I never really get to do things for myself. Every single decision affects my family and my children. I need to think about them in every decision that I make because they don't have minds to think for themselves.
Josiah is 4 now, and he's starting school in September. He's so big and is a great help, when he's in a good mood. He puts his shoes and jacket away, cleans his table after he eats, picks up his toys and puts them away at night, and even tells us when his little brother pukes or makes a mess. He's a little tattle tale, but that's okay, because I prefer that sometimes. He also never lies. If he does something wrong he says "I did it" even though he knows he might get in trouble. A lot of the times he says "Teo made a mess" and that's okay too. He's a very smart boy and I'm so proud of him because he is so kind and friendly and loving and independent.
Mateo is 2 years old. He is a little bundle of trouble. He likes to climb, he likes to pour water on the table and play with it. He likes to cry and pukes a lot. He eats anything he sees, and likes to just play with everything. Mateo is a joy. He also loves to be loved like I do. He loves to be hugged and he hates getting in trouble. He has to know that everything is okay even after he makes a big mess. He needs to know that I still love him no matter what. He is so precious and is hard to get mad at because he just looks at you with those big eyes and you know that he just wants a big hug. He is always smiling and brings joy to anyone around him. It's the saddest thing when he's sad.
Those are my kids. I love them oh so much and I am so proud to be a mother to them. It takes a lot of patience, and it takes a lot of love to be a mom. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and tired that I forget the joys and blessings of being a mom. My kids are so precious to me and I will always love them.
Being a wife is even harder. As a wife you have to have a lot of patience too. And even more love. I love my husband more than I love a lot of people. Most people. I didn't know how much I loved or how much I could love until I met my husband. Every day I'm reminded of how perfect we are together. We are opposites on most interests and sometimes that scares me, but I also find that life is more interesting when the person you are with knows a lot of different things than you do. Joel can talk about cars all the days of his life. He knows the ins and outs of cars. He works with them everyday, even on his days off he's at his work, working on cars. It's beyond a hobby to him, it's his lifestyle. At first I found this a bit boring and a bit annoying, but now I admire him for having that ability to know so much about a box on wheels. To me a car is a car, but to him a car isn't just a car, it's a lot more than that. I have learned to love cars because he loves cars. I love what he loves, and even though I have no idea what he's saying sometimes, I can see the excitement in his eyes when he talks about cars and that makes me happy to know that he's happy.
I don't have very many hobbies. Harry Potter, Vampire Diaries, Hunger Games, The Food Network, Joel probably isn't as interested in those things as I am but he has managed to display some sort of interest in all those things. He's watched Harry Potter and The Hunger Games with me, we watch the Food Network together. It's nice to know that he cares enough about me to struggle through watching the Vampire Diaries too.
Marriage isn't always easy, but it takes a lot of sacrifice on both ends to just make each other happy. Sometimes we forget that. Life isn't about us, it was never meant to be like that. What I've learned so far this year is that life isn't about me. It's not about you or anyone else. Life is about serving others, serving God and just doing the best we can to make other people happy. That's where I find my happiness. Knowing that the way I am, who I am, what I do, makes other people happy. So even though at times I feel like I've lost my identity, and I can't do anything for myself anymore, I remind myself that my life isn't about me, I'm made to serve God, I'm made to love God and love others. Love is selfless.
When I forget who I'm supposed to be as a wife and mother, I'm reminded of these verses:
Proverbs 31:10-31
New Living Translation (NLT)
A Wife of Noble Character
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.
11 Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
11 Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.
14 She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.
and busily spins it.
14 She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.
16 She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.
18 She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.
18 She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.
19 Her hands are busy spinning thread,
her fingers twisting fiber.
20 She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.
21 She has no fear of winter for her household,
for everyone has warm[b] clothes.
her fingers twisting fiber.
20 She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.
21 She has no fear of winter for her household,
for everyone has warm[b] clothes.
22 She makes her own bedspreads.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
23 Her husband is well known at the city gates,
where he sits with the other civic leaders.
24 She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
23 Her husband is well known at the city gates,
where he sits with the other civic leaders.
24 She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.
and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.
28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
31 Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.
Lesson learned of the day? Work hard, serve others, show love to others so that they can see the love of Christ through you.
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
31 Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Easter. It means a lot to me. This holiday and Christmas are two of my favourite holidays. Yes, partly because all the chocolate is on sale and I can buy the huge blocks of Easter bunnies for $3.99 and keep it in my freezer for two months. Also, it is because these two holidays mark very crucial times in a Christian's life. Christmas, when our Saviour was born, and Easter is when our Saviour became.......our Saviour.
This year began as one of the worst and hardest years of my life. I was hurt and even though I had family and friends supporting me, I felt the most alone. It was also a time when I realized that God never leaves me because when I did feel most alone, I still felt God hugging me and holding me in the palm of His hand. I knew He was there helping me through these hard times. But I was brutally hurt and in pain emotionally.
This year I learned that people make mistakes. Sometimes people will fail you and it is up to you on how you handle those failures. Do you hold it against them, let the anger burn in your heart until it grows into becoming an angry grudge and then you end up holding that angry ball in your heart.............or do you forgive, hold no anger, hold no resentment, and give it all to God? How do you handle it when people seriously wrong you? Do you punish them yourselves? Stop talking to them? Yell at them? Hit them? Do to them what they did to you? How do you handle things when people wrong you? What if someone took your PlayStation and deleted all your trophies? What if someone ate your favourite shoe? What if someone crashed your car? What if someone cheated on you? What if someone cut your arm off and served it in their restaurant? What if someone just left? How would you handle it?
What if you wronged someone else? What if you were the one that ate the shoe because it looked like a chocolate bunny? What if you crashed your friends car? What if you cheated on someone, or left someone? What if you cut someone's arm off and served it in your restaurant? How would you want that someone to treat you? You would beg and plead for forgiveness and not really expect it, right? I know if someone ate my arm I'd be pretty pissed. I couldn't high five my kids anymore.
Now ask yourself for real. How many times have you wronged God? How many times have you made a mistake in your life? How many times have you made the wrong decision and not only hurt another person, but hurt God? People will fail you, people will make mistakes. God never makes mistakes and God never fails us, but in our lives we constantly fail Him. What does God do in response to our failures and our mistakes?
He loves. God is love. We sin, we make mistakes, we make bad decisions, we are selfish and make decisions based on what we want in our lives and God says, "Here is my son, He loves you and He will die for you so that you don't have to atone for your sins." God sent His son Jesus to die for us. I think that is said and heard so much between Christians that for some people it becomes a regular statement with no meaning. People hear this statement every day, and sometimes people don't really care. So imagine this, if you are a father or a mother you know how you spend your entire life protecting your children. Imagine having to sacrifice your own child for a whole bunch of people that have hated you and wronged you and are just purely evil against you. Imagine watching your son die like Jesus did for people that don't care. That's how much God loves us. That's what love is.
Now when someone fails you, when someone wrongs you, when someone just causes you so much pain and hurt what are you going to do? For me, I know that I will at least try to do what God did for me. I'm going to just try and love. Because who am I to place judgment upon other people? Who am I to say this person doesn't deserve forgiveness even though they show true remorse and are showing that they are trying to fix everything wronged? I am not God. I am not perfect. I have made many mistakes and errors in my life and I have hurt many other people. I don't expect them to forgive me, but for me, if someone wrongs me, no matter how bad, I will try to love and forgive.
Everybody has their sins, everybody has their faults, and God still loves us no matter what. Shouldn't we as Christians at least try and display that same kind of love and forgiveness that God gives us? Sometimes people are more judgmental. They think that because they didn't murder, or they didn't steal, or they don't swear or they don't do anything wrong then they are better than others. Sometimes people think, this person wronged me so much, I'm better than them and they need to prove to me that they deserve my forgiveness. They need to prove to me that they're good enough for me. Some people think that when they're wronged it is their job to punish that person for doing the wrong. I don't think that it's our place to judge, or hate on people. I don't think that it's our place to say "This person did something so horrible that I don't want to talk to them anymore, I don't want to forgive them until they prove they are worthy of me." I think that when someone wrongs us, we need to try, at least try and humble ourselves and forgive these people. I'm not saying that people need to walk all over us and if someone hurts you just let them keep hurting you, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that if someone that has wronged you asks for your forgiveness, try to forgive them in your heart. Don't hold any grudges or anger, or ball up resentment, for your own good, forgive.
Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." It is not my job to stone a prostitute or an adulterer to death. I have many sins of my own that I should be stoning myself for. It's not our job to judge other people. It's not our job to hate other people for their sins and mistakes. It is our job to love, to show love for those who have wronged us. Let go of all the hate and anger in your life that you hold towards people or situations that have occurred. Let go of all the burdens in your heart and let God take care of you. Really let God take care of you. At least for today, on Easter Sunday, on Resurrection Day, try. Try to forgive, try to love. Let God do His job on Easter Sunday. Let go of your anger, your sins, your regret, your burdens and give it to God because God sent His Son to die for you. He really did. Don't ignore it. Today let everything go and let God take control of your life. Really. Just do it.
This year began as one of the worst and hardest years of my life. I was hurt and even though I had family and friends supporting me, I felt the most alone. It was also a time when I realized that God never leaves me because when I did feel most alone, I still felt God hugging me and holding me in the palm of His hand. I knew He was there helping me through these hard times. But I was brutally hurt and in pain emotionally.
This year I learned that people make mistakes. Sometimes people will fail you and it is up to you on how you handle those failures. Do you hold it against them, let the anger burn in your heart until it grows into becoming an angry grudge and then you end up holding that angry ball in your heart.............or do you forgive, hold no anger, hold no resentment, and give it all to God? How do you handle it when people seriously wrong you? Do you punish them yourselves? Stop talking to them? Yell at them? Hit them? Do to them what they did to you? How do you handle things when people wrong you? What if someone took your PlayStation and deleted all your trophies? What if someone ate your favourite shoe? What if someone crashed your car? What if someone cheated on you? What if someone cut your arm off and served it in their restaurant? What if someone just left? How would you handle it?
What if you wronged someone else? What if you were the one that ate the shoe because it looked like a chocolate bunny? What if you crashed your friends car? What if you cheated on someone, or left someone? What if you cut someone's arm off and served it in your restaurant? How would you want that someone to treat you? You would beg and plead for forgiveness and not really expect it, right? I know if someone ate my arm I'd be pretty pissed. I couldn't high five my kids anymore.
Now ask yourself for real. How many times have you wronged God? How many times have you made a mistake in your life? How many times have you made the wrong decision and not only hurt another person, but hurt God? People will fail you, people will make mistakes. God never makes mistakes and God never fails us, but in our lives we constantly fail Him. What does God do in response to our failures and our mistakes?
He loves. God is love. We sin, we make mistakes, we make bad decisions, we are selfish and make decisions based on what we want in our lives and God says, "Here is my son, He loves you and He will die for you so that you don't have to atone for your sins." God sent His son Jesus to die for us. I think that is said and heard so much between Christians that for some people it becomes a regular statement with no meaning. People hear this statement every day, and sometimes people don't really care. So imagine this, if you are a father or a mother you know how you spend your entire life protecting your children. Imagine having to sacrifice your own child for a whole bunch of people that have hated you and wronged you and are just purely evil against you. Imagine watching your son die like Jesus did for people that don't care. That's how much God loves us. That's what love is.
Now when someone fails you, when someone wrongs you, when someone just causes you so much pain and hurt what are you going to do? For me, I know that I will at least try to do what God did for me. I'm going to just try and love. Because who am I to place judgment upon other people? Who am I to say this person doesn't deserve forgiveness even though they show true remorse and are showing that they are trying to fix everything wronged? I am not God. I am not perfect. I have made many mistakes and errors in my life and I have hurt many other people. I don't expect them to forgive me, but for me, if someone wrongs me, no matter how bad, I will try to love and forgive.
Everybody has their sins, everybody has their faults, and God still loves us no matter what. Shouldn't we as Christians at least try and display that same kind of love and forgiveness that God gives us? Sometimes people are more judgmental. They think that because they didn't murder, or they didn't steal, or they don't swear or they don't do anything wrong then they are better than others. Sometimes people think, this person wronged me so much, I'm better than them and they need to prove to me that they deserve my forgiveness. They need to prove to me that they're good enough for me. Some people think that when they're wronged it is their job to punish that person for doing the wrong. I don't think that it's our place to judge, or hate on people. I don't think that it's our place to say "This person did something so horrible that I don't want to talk to them anymore, I don't want to forgive them until they prove they are worthy of me." I think that when someone wrongs us, we need to try, at least try and humble ourselves and forgive these people. I'm not saying that people need to walk all over us and if someone hurts you just let them keep hurting you, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that if someone that has wronged you asks for your forgiveness, try to forgive them in your heart. Don't hold any grudges or anger, or ball up resentment, for your own good, forgive.
Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." It is not my job to stone a prostitute or an adulterer to death. I have many sins of my own that I should be stoning myself for. It's not our job to judge other people. It's not our job to hate other people for their sins and mistakes. It is our job to love, to show love for those who have wronged us. Let go of all the hate and anger in your life that you hold towards people or situations that have occurred. Let go of all the burdens in your heart and let God take care of you. Really let God take care of you. At least for today, on Easter Sunday, on Resurrection Day, try. Try to forgive, try to love. Let God do His job on Easter Sunday. Let go of your anger, your sins, your regret, your burdens and give it to God because God sent His Son to die for you. He really did. Don't ignore it. Today let everything go and let God take control of your life. Really. Just do it.
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