Love and be loved.

If you died tomorrow, how would you spend your last moments in life? If your best friend died tomorrow, what were the last words you said to her? Were they memorable? What if your wife and family were to die in a car crash? Were the last moments you spent with them memorable? Did you treat them in the way you want them to remember you? Did you say everything that needed to be said? Again I ask, what if you were to die today? Did you live your fullest, laugh your loudest and love the most?

Lately I've been thinking alot about death and what is important for me to leave my family. How do I want them to remember me? What legacy or memory do I want people to remember me by?

I realized that the most important things in life are not material things. It's not about cars or shoes or big houses. They won't always be there. The most important thing in life is building relationships with the people around you. To be remembered as loving and caring and giving. At my funeral it's not going to be my computer or my car or my phone that comes to my funeral, it will be the people that I love and the people that I built a relationship with. 

We don't know when we're going to live or die. Spend the time you have on earth loving the people around you. Don't isolate yourself. Love others and show them that you love them. They may not be there tomorrow. 

Graduated and it feels so good!

I don't think I expected to feel the way that I did this week. It was a very big week for me and being the person I am, I always try to hold in my emotions, pretending that it was no big deal to me, but it really was. I have been waiting so long to graduate from school but life and bad decisions on my part, kept pulling me away from my goal. I love school. I always have and even when I didn't really try, I would excel in school. It was the one constant in my life. No matter what happened in life, school would always be there. It was something I could melt into when my life around me was too difficult and it was something that I would push away when I wanted to do other things on life. I took advantage of school and wasted so much money. By the time I was old enough to realize how important it was and how much I enjoyed it, there was no money left.

I ended up working full time to try and get back to school and then when I worked up the courage to go back, my dramatic life turned me into a different direction. I got married. Had a baby and school was obviously on hold and not number one on my list of things to do. But it was like an unfinished puzzle. It was a constant poking at my back. I wanted to apply again when Josiah was old enough to go to daycare but by then the money bank was gone and I ended up with another life, literally. After Mateo was born I realized that I would need more than a high school education and a couple unfinished years at a post secondary school to get me a job that would help me support my kids and raise my family. School wasn't about me anymore, it was about my family.

That was it. That was the drive I needed. We had no money in the bank, all I had was determination and my need and desire to graduate for my family. Life wasn't about me anymore. It was about my kids and what would be best for them in the long run. So, I got a part time job and went to school just as Mateo turned 1. I immediately loved it. I loved the atmosphere, I loved the work, and I loved the feeling that I was accomplishing my goal not just for my sake but for my family's sake as well. This time I can't screw up. This time I can't quit no matter how much I want to, because my family is counting on me. My children are counting on me.

Semester after semester went by. I tried my best, I worked my hardest and I loved it. I was doing it! I found myself a routine. I got into the groove of being constantly busy and I found that the times where I wasn't doing anything was just a waste of time. I would work even from home, do my homework, study for tests, pick up the kids from school, make the kids dinner, make Joel dinner, life was busy, I was exhausted, but I loved it.

 And then just as the third semester was ending, right when I complete my exams, everything broke down in my family. Everything just crumbled and I had no idea why. I don't know what happened, I don't know what I did. All I knew was that I was working my butt off and it wasn't good enough. I was neglecting my family. I didn't pay attention to the issues that were happening. I failed to communicate in my marriage, rather we failed to communicate to each other. And everything broke down.
 I realized what was important in life. I realized that my kids and my family need more attention, I wanted to quit. There was no way I could complete my last semester on my own. There was no way I could do this on my own. I thought I was doing it on my own but then I realized how much I needed my family to love and encourage me. Without that then I didn't want to be in school. I don't want to be here because my family broke down and they were the only reason I was in school in the first place. My family was my motivation and with that gone I had nothing. But when Life smacks you in the face, there's always people around you to smack it right back when you can't do it yourself.

I felt God through the people around me. I literally fell into a hole and I could see all the hands trying to pick me up and pull me out of the hole. God really speaks through people and I was truly blessed by the people at church (CTO) and was even more blessed by my sister who almost single handedly pulled me out of that pit. Without my Ate and her husband and my parents and the people at CTO I would not be here today.

Life takes its dramatic turns always and it is these turns that builds me up as an individual.  I was able to overcome one of the hardest trials in my life and God was there and never let me go through any of it alone.

Here I am today, with Joel and my parents in the crowd watching me, waiting for me to cross the stage.  Here I am with my gown nicely covering my six month baby bump of a boy.  I find it unbelievable how far I have come in the last couple of years, never believing in myself that I would make it here today.  Obstacles overcome and surrounded by people that I love. And as I walk up that aisle and get my diploma, as I shake the hand of the president at Humber college, I think only of the people who supported me throughout the entire process, especially during the final semester. Without that magic slow cooker and the random acts of kindness that I received those last few months, I would not be here today, a graduate.

I really thank God for everything and for everyone that he has brought into my life. I can't and never know how to express my feelings of gratitude to those people who helped me when I thought I was alone. I spent many nights crying by myself but God kept reminding me at the most perfect moments, that I was not by myself, that I could trudge on and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am ready to face the next Obstacles and the gazillion more to come because I know that God is my rock and he will always be there to carry me through.

So today I hold my diploma but I feel like it is not just mine. I feel like in this piece of paper there is a part of myself, my sister, Jon, my parents, my husband and those at CTO who showed me continuous love and support.

You all carried me through these past few months and I wouldn't have been here without you.

To you all I am forever grateful.

Life isn't easy.  No one ever said it would be.  I've been so busy lately, even with school done, there's a lot of work to be done too.  I have had to focus more on my family lately and just drown myself in the joys of having kids and a husband.  I just love to be loved and it's a nice feeling to be loved.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it takes to be a good mother and a good wife.  My expertise in these two areas have been questionable.  I think at times I have lost focus on my family because I have been submersed in school work, exams, and school.  Now that school is finished, I am able to focus on my family and what is really important in life.  I have completed a huge milestone in my life, graduating, but I think that I maybe lost focus on really enjoying the blessings of being a mother and a wife.

Being a mom takes a lot of sacrifice.  Life isn't about me anymore, I never really get to do things for myself.  Every single decision affects my family and my children.  I need to think about them in every decision that I make because they don't have minds to think for themselves.

Josiah is 4 now, and he's starting school in September.  He's so big and is a great help, when he's in a good mood.  He puts his shoes and jacket away, cleans his table after he eats, picks up his toys and puts them away at night, and even tells us when his little brother pukes or makes a mess.  He's a little tattle tale, but that's okay, because I prefer that sometimes.  He also never lies.  If he does something wrong he says "I did it" even though he knows he might get in trouble.  A lot of the times he says "Teo made a mess" and that's okay too.  He's a very smart boy and I'm so proud of him because he is so kind and friendly and loving and independent.

Mateo is 2 years old.  He is a little bundle of trouble.  He likes to climb, he likes to pour water on the table and play with it.  He likes to cry and pukes a lot.  He eats anything he sees, and likes to just play with everything.  Mateo is a joy.  He also loves to be loved like I do.  He loves to be hugged and he hates getting in trouble.  He has to know that everything is okay even after he makes a big mess.  He needs to know that I still love him no matter what.  He is so precious and is hard to get mad at because he just looks at you with those big eyes and you know that he just wants a big hug.  He is always smiling and brings joy to anyone around him.  It's the saddest thing when he's sad.

Those are my kids.  I love them oh so much and I am so proud to be a mother to them.  It takes a lot of patience, and it takes a lot of love to be a mom.  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and tired that I forget the joys and blessings of being a mom.  My kids are so precious to me and I will always love them.

Being a wife is even harder.  As a wife you have to have a lot of patience too.  And even more love.  I love my husband more than I love a lot of people.  Most people.  I didn't know how much I loved or how much I could love until I met my husband.  Every day I'm reminded of how perfect we are together.  We are opposites on most interests and sometimes that scares me, but I also find that life is more interesting when the person you are with knows a lot of different things than you do.  Joel can talk about cars all the days of his life.  He knows the ins and outs of cars.  He works with them everyday, even on his days off he's at his work, working on cars.  It's beyond a hobby to him, it's his lifestyle.  At first I found this a bit boring and a bit annoying, but now I admire him for having that ability to know so much about a box on wheels.  To me a car is a car, but to him a car isn't just a car, it's a lot more than that.  I have learned to love cars because he loves cars.  I love what he loves, and even though I have no idea what he's saying sometimes, I can see the excitement in his eyes when he talks about cars and that makes me happy to know that he's happy.

I don't have very many hobbies.  Harry Potter, Vampire Diaries, Hunger Games, The Food Network, Joel probably isn't as interested in those things as I am but he has managed to display some sort of interest in all those things.  He's watched Harry Potter and The Hunger Games with me, we watch the Food Network together.  It's nice to know that he cares enough about me to struggle through watching the Vampire Diaries too.

Marriage isn't always easy, but it takes a lot of sacrifice on both ends to just make each other happy.  Sometimes we forget that.  Life isn't about us, it was never meant to be like that.  What I've learned so far this year is that life isn't about me.  It's not about you or anyone else.  Life is about serving others, serving God and just doing the best we can to make other people happy.  That's where I find my happiness.  Knowing that the way I am, who I am, what I do, makes other people happy.  So even though at times I feel like I've lost my identity, and I can't do anything for myself anymore, I remind myself that my life isn't about me, I'm made to serve God, I'm made to love God and love others.  Love is selfless.

When I forget who I'm supposed to be as a wife and mother, I'm reminded of these verses:

Proverbs 31:10-31

New Living Translation (NLT)

A Wife of Noble Character

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?

    She is more precious than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband can trust her,
    and she will greatly enrich his life.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

¹³ She finds wool and flax
    and busily spins it.
¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
    and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

¹⁶ She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
    with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She is energetic and strong,
    a hard worker.
¹⁸ She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
    her lamp burns late into the night.

¹⁹ Her hands are busy spinning thread,
    her fingers twisting fiber.
²⁰ She extends a helping hand to the poor
    and opens her arms to the needy.
²¹ She has no fear of winter for her household,
    for everyone has warm^[b] clothes.

²² She makes her own bedspreads.
    She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
²³ Her husband is well known at the city gates,
    where he sits with the other civic leaders.
²⁴ She makes belted linen garments
    and sashes to sell to the merchants.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.
²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
    and she gives instructions with kindness.
²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household
    and suffers nothing from laziness.

²⁸ Her children stand and bless her.
    Her husband praises her:
²⁹ “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
    but you surpass them all!”

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
    but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
³¹ Reward her for all she has done.
    Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Lesson learned of the day?  Work hard, serve others, show love to others so that they can see the love of Christ through you.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Easter.  It means a lot to me.  This holiday and Christmas are two of my favourite holidays.  Yes, partly because all the chocolate is on sale and I can buy the huge blocks of Easter bunnies for $3.99 and keep it in my freezer for two months.  Also, it is because these two holidays mark very crucial times in a Christian's life.  Christmas, when our Saviour was born, and Easter is when our Saviour became.......our Saviour.

This year began as one of the worst and hardest years of my life.  I was hurt and even though I had family and friends supporting me, I felt the most alone.  It was also a time when I realized that God never leaves me because when I did feel most alone, I still felt God hugging me and holding me in the palm of His hand.  I knew He was there helping me through these hard times.  But I was brutally hurt and in pain emotionally.

This year I learned that people make mistakes.  Sometimes people will fail you and it is up to you on how you handle those failures.  Do you hold it against them, let the anger burn in your heart until it grows into becoming an angry grudge and then you end up holding that angry ball in your heart.............or do you forgive, hold no anger, hold no resentment, and give it all to God?  How do you handle it when people seriously wrong you?  Do you punish them yourselves?  Stop talking to them?  Yell at them?  Hit them?  Do to them what they did to you?  How do you handle things when people wrong you?  What if someone took your PlayStation and deleted all your trophies?  What if someone ate your favourite shoe?  What if someone crashed your car?  What if someone cheated on you?  What if someone cut your arm off and served it in their restaurant?  What if someone just left?  How would you handle it?

What if you wronged someone else?  What if you were the one that ate the shoe because it looked like a chocolate bunny?  What if you crashed your friends car?  What if you cheated on someone, or left someone?  What if you cut someone's arm off and served it in your restaurant?  How would you want that someone to treat you?  You would beg and plead for forgiveness and not really expect it, right?  I know if someone ate my arm I'd be pretty pissed.  I couldn't high five my kids anymore.

Now ask yourself for real.  How many times have you wronged God?  How many times have you made a mistake in your life?  How many times have you made the wrong decision and not only hurt another person, but hurt God?  People will fail you, people will make mistakes.  God never makes mistakes and God never fails us, but in our lives we constantly fail Him.  What does God do in response to our failures and our mistakes?

He loves.  God is love.  We sin, we make mistakes, we make bad decisions, we are selfish and make decisions based on what we want in our lives and God says, "Here is my son, He loves you and He will die for you so that you don't have to atone for your sins."  God sent His son Jesus to die for us.  I think that is said and heard so much between Christians that for some people it becomes a regular statement with no meaning.  People hear this statement every day, and sometimes people don't really care.  So imagine this, if you are a father or a mother you know how you spend your entire life protecting your children.  Imagine having to sacrifice your own child for a whole bunch of people that have hated you and wronged you and are just purely evil against you.  Imagine watching your son die like Jesus did for people that don't care.  That's how much God loves us.  That's what love is.

Now when someone fails you, when someone wrongs you, when someone just causes you so much pain and hurt what are you going to do?  For me, I know that I will at least try to do what God did for me.  I'm going to just try and love.  Because who am I to place judgment upon other people?  Who am I to say this person doesn't deserve forgiveness even though they show true remorse and are showing that they are trying to fix everything wronged?  I am not God.  I am not perfect.  I have made many mistakes and errors in my life and I have hurt many other people.  I don't expect them to forgive me, but for me, if someone wrongs me, no matter how bad, I will try to love and forgive.

Everybody has their sins, everybody has their faults, and God still loves us no matter what.  Shouldn't we as Christians at least try and display that same kind of love and forgiveness that God gives us?  Sometimes people are more judgmental.  They think that because they didn't murder, or they didn't steal, or they don't swear or they don't do anything wrong then they are better than others.  Sometimes people think, this person wronged me so much, I'm better than them and they need to prove to me that they deserve my forgiveness.  They need to prove to me that they're good enough for me.  Some people think that when they're wronged it is their job to punish that person for doing the wrong.  I don't think that it's our place to judge, or hate on people.  I don't think that it's our place to say "This person did something so horrible that I don't want to talk to them anymore, I don't want to forgive them until they prove they are worthy of me."  I think that when someone wrongs us, we need to try, at least try and humble ourselves and forgive these people.  I'm not saying that people need to walk all over us and if someone hurts you just let them keep hurting you, that's not what I'm saying.  I'm saying that if someone that has wronged you asks for your forgiveness, try to forgive them in your heart.  Don't hold any grudges or anger, or ball up resentment, for your own good, forgive.

Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."  It is not my job to stone a prostitute or an adulterer to death.  I have many sins of my own that I should be stoning myself for.  It's not our job to judge other people.  It's not our job to hate other people for their sins and mistakes.  It is our job to love, to show love for those who have wronged us.  Let go of all the hate and anger in your life that you hold towards people or situations that have occurred.  Let go of all the burdens in your heart and let God take care of you.  Really let God take care of you.  At least for today, on Easter Sunday, on Resurrection Day, try.  Try to forgive, try to love.  Let God do His job on Easter Sunday.  Let go of your anger, your sins, your regret, your burdens and give it to God because God sent His Son to die for you.  He really did.  Don't ignore it.  Today let everything go and let God take control of your life.  Really.  Just do it.

Lose Control

Life isn't easy.  It was never meant to be.  The past few months I had to keep telling myself "God only puts us into situations that we can handle" and then I found myself asking God, "How much do you think I can handle?"  I always thought life was controllable.  I had a plan.  I planned how I wanted my future to be, what I wanted to do, and I counted on all of that and depended on those plans to follow through.  All throughout my life my plans were trumped.  Things happened and I had to alter my plan and change it.  Time and time again my plans kept on getting trumped and altered.  God was trying to tell me that I'm not in control, he is.  I can't plan for my life, because God is planning for my life.

My sister and her husband are missionaries and they are constantly called by God to go and follow his calls.  They walk in blind faith, knowing that God is leading them toward what He wants them to do.  I need to learn that, that is the lesson that God keeps trying to teach me.  I have to learn how to trust God and love him and know that He is in control of my life and that I do not need to fear.  God feeds all of the animals and all the little birds, they depend on Him for life, and He cares for them.  If God will care for His animals and creatures, I have to trust that He will care for me even more.

So even though I'm not in control of my life, I know that I will be okay.  I know that I am loved and I know that He will take care of me.  You can't plan for every moment of your life.  You need to trust God.

I trust God with my life.  I really do.  Now, after everything that has happened in my life, I know that God is taking care of me, because no matter how bad I think my life gets, I still feel His love, and His guidance.  I feel this through my family.  I feel this love through my friends who are there for me.  God takes care of me and I know it.  I'm not scared of what will happen in my future.  I know that God is holding me in the palm of His hands.  I can feel that He loves me.  It is an exhilarating feeling, knowing that I don't need to stress over my future because God is taking care of me.

Overwhelmed.

The last few months have been very overwhelming for me.  With a lot of uncontrollable factors happening in my life, I was left to depend not on myself, but for God to take control of my life.  I have learned a lot of lessons during these past few months.  One of them was patience.  I had to be patient.  Live life based on God's timing and not on mine.  I can't rush life, I can't rush the things that I want, but I have to be dependent on God and know that God is taking care of me.

I also learned about grace.  I learned that the only way to live life when people have wronged you is to be gracious to them.  Vengeance is the Lord's and I had to learn how to give everything to God and not be mad, but to be gracious to those who have wronged me.

I learned about unconditional love.  I learned how I shouldn't take my family for granted because in the most difficult of times, it is my family who is there for me.  To take care of me, to support me, and to be that stronghold that I need when I feel like I can't do anything anymore.  Without my family, I would not have gotten through these hard times.  I need my family, I love my family and I will love them forever because they will love me forever.  My family was given to me by God and we are there to help love and support each other.  I am forever grateful for my family.  Even these words do not describe how much I love my family.  I can't think of any words to describe the emotion that I feel for them.  They are incredible, unbelievable, and amazing.  I LOVE the family that God has given to me and they make me the person that I am today.

I learned that I am stronger than I think I am, but only when I am properly dependent on God.  If I am by myself, depending only on myself, I am weak, but God gives me strength when I rely on him to take care of me.

Today, specifically today, I learned that I am exhausted!  Both my boys are super sick and I am so tired from all of the stress of work and school and all the emotional stress that I have been through lately, and all the stress that it takes to care for two boys who are terribly sick with some sort of crazy pants flu they caught from the daycare.  I am tired.  I stayed at home the past 2 days and I am still so tired and exhausted.  But I do know that I get my strength from the Lord, and my family did stop by to drop off food.  

All the blessings that I used to overlook when I was a child during my "stressful" times as a teen, I have learned to embrace and love as an adult.  That's the first time I've called myself an adult, but I guess turning the ripe old age of 26 with two children, I am an adult *sigh*.  I have learned so many things in the last 25 years.  Josiah just turned 4, Mateo turned 2.  I live in a busy house, with a busy life and I am bound to encounter many issues and dramatic problems.  I think that I have finally learned how to deal with my problems.  Maybe.  Instead of trying to fix everything by myself, it is okay to ask for help.  It is okay to talk to my family and ask for advice.  It is okay to talk to God and ask for grace and love and forgiveness.  Everyone has their issues and their problems.  You're not the only person in the world with big dramatic issues.  I have learned that I need to not only put myself in perspective when life is at its worst, but I've also learned that there are people around to help you go through these problems.

For the last 2 months I have been completely overwhelmed with my own little crisis.  But I think that God and my family and friends have put me in perspective.  Helped me to realize that I am loved and that I am not the only one with crazy dramatic issues and that when life is at its worst, God is there to help me through.  Even when life is not at its worst, God is still there.

From now on, if I feel like my life is being overly dramatic and I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, I'm going to pray for those around me, and in the world who are twice more overwhelmed and exhausted and are also going through a hard time.  Love and be loved.

Waltz vs. jazz hands

I just woke up from a dream. A most enthralling dream if that is the word. In this dream I learned a valuable life lesson that, naturally, I choose to share with my social network world. I had a dream:

I was in a dance room in a line up of students. We were all supposed to be partnered up and in groups we were supposed to be auditioning or showing our teacher some sort of hyper scat jazz hands show offy move. The groups were going pretty fast and when my group came, my partner ran ahead of the line and decided to leave me and do his jazz hands audition at the head of the rest of the group. I didn't know he was my partner. All I knew was that our group was moving real fast and I had to followthem by myself doing my jazz hands show off move. The thing is, I'm not a show offy jazz hands person. I hate dancing and showing off. I passed by the teacher half heartedly.

The teacher then turned off the fast paced jazz music and called the groups back and began criticizing. Before our group was called up, I told the guy "I think you're my partner" and he said oh, and I sat beside him. As the teacher called up our group, again my partner runs to the front and leaves me. Annoyed but eager to hear his criticisms, I listened to the teacher. "You were good but your jazz hands were too show offy and you were over enthusiastic." As the teacher proceeded to judge the couple in front of me, nice, slow waltz music came on. I lost interest in the judging and told the girl in front of me that I was never really good at dancing and didn't know why they made me take this class. Probably to justify to myself the bad criticisms I was about to receive due to my lack of effort and interest in jazz hands.

As the waltz music continued to play I looked around the room and noticed two elderly couples dancing in the background to the waltz. They both were so in love and were so happy to be dancing with each other. They were kissing and being lovingly old and feeble. My heart started to cry and long for what they had.

Then I woke up. I realized immediately what the dream meant. Either you continue chasing that guy who just wants to show off in front of the class and do everything by himself to prove to everyone that he is the best so that he feels like he belongs whilst you are constantly chasing after him and him constantly trying to get away from you because you suck at dancing and are an embarrassment to him. Or you be with someone who loves you until you are old and feeble. Be with someone who will dance with you in the background not ashamed to kiss you and love you and doesn't care what anyone thinks because the woman he loves is in his arms and that's the only thing that he needs to make him happy. Not his friends, not what other people think, but that the woman he loves loves him back.

That's what I want. A love that will last until I'm old and grey. I'm not chasing the attention hog. I want to be  with someone that wants my attention and loves me for who I am.