"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
How many of us say "I love you" and not really understand what real love is. Love is exactly what if is in the bible. Love is a sacrifice. It is being able to give up your life for someone else eve though they may not deserve it. Love is being able to put others first. To serve others despite what they do to you or what they think of you. If you love someone, you would do anything for their happiness.
What am I basing this on? On Jesus' love for me. For us. We are to live like he lived. Love like he loved. Jesus set the example. He loves us even though we ridiculed and mocked him and turned our faces against him. He loves us even though we persecute him and hide ourselves from him. He loves us even though we ignore the ultimate sacrifice he made for us. He loves us even though we live for ourselves everyday. He died so that we can have eternal life. That's real love. That's what true love is.
When you tell someone you love them, do you mean that you are willing to give your life for them, do anything for them so that they can live? So that they can be happy? Do you love with a sacrificial love?
I can say I love you because now, only now do I understand what love is. Only now do I realize how much love I have in my heart.
I love you. You are my forever. Love never fails.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Love. Ain't it kinda funny
Love changes. It goes through cycles. For those of us who are married understand what I'm talking about. There's the love we feel when we first meet someone. It's the initial attraction, the whole wooing process. That's the lovey dovey cheese balls kind of love.
Then, post wooing there's the dating love. Where you learn about each others likes and dislikes and realize that you either have almost nothing in common or everything in common. This is where the real love starts to grow because you learn more about a person.
Then post dating love, there's that point in the relationship where you get comfortable. You slowly learn that you can't stop thinking about this person. You can't breathe without them. You just want to be near them all the time.
Then, you spend too much time together and you begin to get annoyed with all the little things he does and you start to wonder is he the right guy? Then you start to compare yourself to other couples who are still in the wooing phase and you're wondering why he doesn't do that anymore. You realize you want more. This is where the relationship starts to get all rocky. You start fighting without telling him the real reason why you're mad. You start bickering about little things without arguing about te actual problem. This is what I like to call te fighting phase. You start to learn more about your partner in this phase. You learn how strong your love is for this person. You start to learn how to fight, how to endure the pain. You learn how much you really love each other because you get through this phase. Some couples don't. Some fail to see the bigger picture. Some don't learn what the real issues are. And some couples don't bother to communicate properly. This is a test of your love for each other. If you surpass this phase then good job. Your love for him will change.
Post fighting phase comes the awesome settling phase. You know each other. You know how to fight, you know that you love each other. You know now that this is the guy for you because he stayed with you throughout the whole emotional trauma and emo diva days. You know you want to be with him for the rest of your life. Finally, after a gazillion years of dating, he proposes. You say I do. You plan the wedding with a lot of fights about money and how to spend it and what to waste it on. But these fights are loving fights because you are planning your future together.
Then, post wedding. The cycle begins all over again. Believe it or not. You experience first year marriage bliss. Like the wooing then there's the dating then the obsession where you want to be with him all the time. Then the fighting and then the calm after the storm. This cycle happens over and over again. The problem is, how much do you love this person? Do you love them enough to appreciate the cycles and stay and learn about each other and grow with each other? Or do you not even love them enough to stay.
Love. It's a funny word. Everybody can say it. But who actually means it?
Then, post wooing there's the dating love. Where you learn about each others likes and dislikes and realize that you either have almost nothing in common or everything in common. This is where the real love starts to grow because you learn more about a person.
Then post dating love, there's that point in the relationship where you get comfortable. You slowly learn that you can't stop thinking about this person. You can't breathe without them. You just want to be near them all the time.
Then, you spend too much time together and you begin to get annoyed with all the little things he does and you start to wonder is he the right guy? Then you start to compare yourself to other couples who are still in the wooing phase and you're wondering why he doesn't do that anymore. You realize you want more. This is where the relationship starts to get all rocky. You start fighting without telling him the real reason why you're mad. You start bickering about little things without arguing about te actual problem. This is what I like to call te fighting phase. You start to learn more about your partner in this phase. You learn how strong your love is for this person. You start to learn how to fight, how to endure the pain. You learn how much you really love each other because you get through this phase. Some couples don't. Some fail to see the bigger picture. Some don't learn what the real issues are. And some couples don't bother to communicate properly. This is a test of your love for each other. If you surpass this phase then good job. Your love for him will change.
Post fighting phase comes the awesome settling phase. You know each other. You know how to fight, you know that you love each other. You know now that this is the guy for you because he stayed with you throughout the whole emotional trauma and emo diva days. You know you want to be with him for the rest of your life. Finally, after a gazillion years of dating, he proposes. You say I do. You plan the wedding with a lot of fights about money and how to spend it and what to waste it on. But these fights are loving fights because you are planning your future together.
Then, post wedding. The cycle begins all over again. Believe it or not. You experience first year marriage bliss. Like the wooing then there's the dating then the obsession where you want to be with him all the time. Then the fighting and then the calm after the storm. This cycle happens over and over again. The problem is, how much do you love this person? Do you love them enough to appreciate the cycles and stay and learn about each other and grow with each other? Or do you not even love them enough to stay.
Love. It's a funny word. Everybody can say it. But who actually means it?
Friday, January 18, 2013
My Teo
I was cranky. I was fat. My stomach was super heavy and I was frustrated with my waddling walk. I wanted to not be pregnant anymore.........or ever. I hated not knowing when he was coming. Yes, there was a due date, but those are not so accurate nowadays. How many people have actually delivered on their due date?! I know I haven't. I'm a business person. I need to plan. I need to know what is going to happen and when. The anticipation was eating me alive.
On the morning of January 18th I told Joel I had had enough. I was feeling some sort of funky movings on in my stomach and I told him, 'Let's just go to the hospital.' I had to be there at least 2 hours before I went into labour apparently because I had to complete an anti-biotic treatment. This made things even worse. I wasn't really allowed to go too far into labour without this treatment. So, we went. The nurse said that I was like, 2 cm dilated or something like that. She wouldn't do the treatment, so she gave me the option of going home and coming back. I told myself, 'I am having this baby today, no more waiting!' So I told her we're staying. Of course this is after some consultation with Joel, who's answer was always, 'It's up to you.' Which, when speaking to a cranky pregnant woman, is ALWAYS the right answer.
So we stayed. I walked around to try and get this baby out. After a couple of hours she said I was 4cm. I was like, OK I want to go home, but I think Joel said we may as well stay. I'm not sure how this exact story went. It's been 2 years and I still have baby brain. But it is along these lines. Anyways, we stayed at the hospital, I kept walking, and then eventually I got my antibiotics, and after that they decided to induce me, I think. I may be confusing this story with Josiah's. Whatever. Anyways, we basically got to the hospital kind of early, maybe 10:30am? That's when this whole fiasco started. By now, it's probably around 6 or 7pm. So I started inducement........treatments? I don't know proper lingo, I'm not a nurse. So they induced me. All this time Joel is being very patient. He stayed with me throughout the whole process. Amazing.
Long story short, post epidural, 20 minutes of pushing, Mateo was out. It was 11:58am. I was exhausted. I was at the hospital for over 12 hours. I was cranky, I was stressed, and the nurse asks, 'Would you like to hold him?' I said no. I was tired and exhausted and they put the epidural too high, and I was mad at the doctor for coming too late, and I was frustrated for being in the hospital too long. I didn't want to hold my baby. She gave him to Joel. I saw Joel holding him with tears in his eyes. After I saw the joy in his face I knew that I wanted to share that joy with him. In other words, give me my baby! When I held Mateo for the first time, and Joel had his arms around me, we were happily staring at our second baby boy.
The next day, my parents brought Josiah to the hospital room. Josiah didn't want to see Mateo either. He didn't want to go near us. I got a little sad, but I had to be understanding. Josiah was still one, turning 2 the next month. He was scared of the hospital and did not understand the situation. But I had my 2 boys and my husband by my side. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. Realizing that I had an amazing family and I had accomplished so much at such a young age.
I am proud of who I am. I am proud of who God made me to be. I am proud of my sons, and I am proud of Joel. We have gone through a lot in life, but God has been carrying us through all the trials. We have two happy children and our own apartment and jobs that pay us enough to get by.
Mateo is a joy to our family. He is officially 2 today. Because he was born so close to January 19, sometimes I get confused of when his birthday actually is. I'm pretty sure it's today. Mateo is a happy boy, he is very energetic, very loving, almost always smiling, and has random spurts of crying which end up in smiling after 2 seconds. He is very determined. If he wants something, he will get it. He is very curious and very daring. He has guts. He is exactly like his father. He always makes people smile and laugh. He is a joy in my life.
I love Mateo. I thought it would be hard to find enough love to love my second child after I had Josiah. I could not understand how I could have two children and love them both. But I do. It is possible!!
I thank God for Mateo and I wish him the happiest of lives. I also pray that his allergies to ALL dairy foods, nuts and just everything in general will go away.
On the morning of January 18th I told Joel I had had enough. I was feeling some sort of funky movings on in my stomach and I told him, 'Let's just go to the hospital.' I had to be there at least 2 hours before I went into labour apparently because I had to complete an anti-biotic treatment. This made things even worse. I wasn't really allowed to go too far into labour without this treatment. So, we went. The nurse said that I was like, 2 cm dilated or something like that. She wouldn't do the treatment, so she gave me the option of going home and coming back. I told myself, 'I am having this baby today, no more waiting!' So I told her we're staying. Of course this is after some consultation with Joel, who's answer was always, 'It's up to you.' Which, when speaking to a cranky pregnant woman, is ALWAYS the right answer.
So we stayed. I walked around to try and get this baby out. After a couple of hours she said I was 4cm. I was like, OK I want to go home, but I think Joel said we may as well stay. I'm not sure how this exact story went. It's been 2 years and I still have baby brain. But it is along these lines. Anyways, we stayed at the hospital, I kept walking, and then eventually I got my antibiotics, and after that they decided to induce me, I think. I may be confusing this story with Josiah's. Whatever. Anyways, we basically got to the hospital kind of early, maybe 10:30am? That's when this whole fiasco started. By now, it's probably around 6 or 7pm. So I started inducement........treatments? I don't know proper lingo, I'm not a nurse. So they induced me. All this time Joel is being very patient. He stayed with me throughout the whole process. Amazing.
Long story short, post epidural, 20 minutes of pushing, Mateo was out. It was 11:58am. I was exhausted. I was at the hospital for over 12 hours. I was cranky, I was stressed, and the nurse asks, 'Would you like to hold him?' I said no. I was tired and exhausted and they put the epidural too high, and I was mad at the doctor for coming too late, and I was frustrated for being in the hospital too long. I didn't want to hold my baby. She gave him to Joel. I saw Joel holding him with tears in his eyes. After I saw the joy in his face I knew that I wanted to share that joy with him. In other words, give me my baby! When I held Mateo for the first time, and Joel had his arms around me, we were happily staring at our second baby boy.
The next day, my parents brought Josiah to the hospital room. Josiah didn't want to see Mateo either. He didn't want to go near us. I got a little sad, but I had to be understanding. Josiah was still one, turning 2 the next month. He was scared of the hospital and did not understand the situation. But I had my 2 boys and my husband by my side. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. Realizing that I had an amazing family and I had accomplished so much at such a young age.
I am proud of who I am. I am proud of who God made me to be. I am proud of my sons, and I am proud of Joel. We have gone through a lot in life, but God has been carrying us through all the trials. We have two happy children and our own apartment and jobs that pay us enough to get by.
Mateo is a joy to our family. He is officially 2 today. Because he was born so close to January 19, sometimes I get confused of when his birthday actually is. I'm pretty sure it's today. Mateo is a happy boy, he is very energetic, very loving, almost always smiling, and has random spurts of crying which end up in smiling after 2 seconds. He is very determined. If he wants something, he will get it. He is very curious and very daring. He has guts. He is exactly like his father. He always makes people smile and laugh. He is a joy in my life.
I love Mateo. I thought it would be hard to find enough love to love my second child after I had Josiah. I could not understand how I could have two children and love them both. But I do. It is possible!!
I thank God for Mateo and I wish him the happiest of lives. I also pray that his allergies to ALL dairy foods, nuts and just everything in general will go away.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Free Will
Freewill. It's a funny word. God gave us free will. He gave us the choice to choose Him or to not choose Him. What happens when we don't? Have you ever read the story of the prodigal son? The story goes like this, or at least the version in my head goes like this.
There's this guy, he has the most amazing and loving father. He has everything, the father loves him and provides for him. Then this guy says to his dad, hey dad, can you give me my share of my inheritance after you die? I want it now. So the dad says, okay fine, and gives his son that he loves oh so much all the money that he is entitled. The son then leaves his amazing and good life and squanders all his money on "living it up." He thinks he's having a good time, he makes his own choices, is by himself, and thinks that he's having the time of his life. Then he runs out of money, has to work for more, and ends up eating in a pig sty with the pigs. The guy realizes that he had it all when he was with his father. He realizes his father loved him so much and he feels bad for treating his father so bad. So the son walks the walk of shame and humbles himself and comes home to his father who, instead of being all mad, welcomes him with loving arms.
That's the jist of the story. I left out a lot about how the guy has a brother who stays with the father and stuff. But you read it yourself. The Prodigal Son (NLT)
In case no one understood this story, you are the prodigal son, and the loving father is God. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we choose to stray from God and His will and what he wants in our life. We have to be able to humble ourselves before the Lord, admit our mistakes and submit to His will for our lives. God gave us free will. We can either choose God, or choose ourselves. Choosing ourselves will lead to eating with the pigs, choosing God leads to eternal life.
If Jesus comes back to take all his followers to Heaven, ask yourself today, right now, are you playing the prodigal son? Are you submitting to God's will or are you following your own selfish wants or needs. How are you going to explain to God what your actions are and why you chose yourself over him? How?
Every morning pray that you will do God's will in the following day. Every morning ask for God's strength and reminders of God's love. If you choose God, the rest of your life will fall into place. If you choose yourself, the rest of your life will crumble. Like my sister says, it all begins and ends with God. Choose God. And don't think you have all the time in the world to do so, because you don't.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
My Love
I only have love. I love my husband so much. He has done so much for me. He has been a very supportive husband, especially when I wanted to go to school. He encouraged me when I was at my weakest and thought I couldn't finish because I had failed my first test. He told me, you can do it Mari, you're almost done. I know you can do it. Joel has encouraged me during the hardest of times and I admire him for that. He has been a very loving and caring husband and father. The children adore him and they obey him out of respectful fear. Joel is good at whatever he puts his mind to. I love him. I only have love for him, I have no other words to describe what I feel for Joel. I only have love.
Joel is my best friend. We spent the last 7 years of our lives together. We have gone through many ups and downs. We have pushed through many hard times, but throughout everything, we have held hands and got through the worst of storms together. He is my best friend. We laugh, we play, we watch movies together. Most of my favourite memories in life are with Joel. I used to think that I was in love when I was 7 years old. Because of Joel, I know what real love is. He loves me, and I love him.
My sister said that everything begins and ends with God. We love because He first loved us. I know what love is and I know how to love because I know that God loves me. I love Joel because God loves me. I love him no matter what happens because God loves me unconditionally.
I am not perfect and I make a lot of mistakes in life, but Joel is the first one to tell me when I am doing something wrong. I don't take criticism lightly, he knows that. But when Joel says something to me, I do fight back, but I listen and I learn. I am stubborn. I am very stubborn and I like to do things in a certain way. Joel is the only person that could tell me, Mari, you need to do this this way. Yes, I would fight back, but I knew he was right. Joel was usually right a lot of the time. It took a lot of time for me to learn how to submit as a wife, but because I loved and respected Joel so much as a husband, I was able to submit as a wife. I do have my faults. I like clothes piles. I love clothes piles. Joel was never a fan of my clothes piles. I also didn't like doing laundry. I hated folding. Joel was always best at the folding because of his Old Navy expertise. I did help sometimes!! I bet Joel hated folding laundry too, but he did it for me. I love him for that.
I also hated doing dishes. I get these rashes on my hands if I do them too much and then they start bleeding. Joel always did the dinner dishes. I would do the predinner dishes! But he would do the dinner dishes. I loved him for that too.
I love spending time with him. That's something I would constantly crave as a wife. With our busy lives, Joel's 14 hour shifts, and me being in work and school, and doing homework and working from home, and taking care of the kiddos, and prepping dinner for Joel, our lives were busy. It did become a routine, but there were the random days where we would get to spend time together, and I treasured every moment. Joel always knew how to make me laugh. He never not made me laugh. He is one of the people that did make me laugh. I'm not very easily amused. Just by Joel.
In a marriage we both had to sacrifice so much of our needs and wants for the kids. That's what happens when you get married young. We had to sacrifice parts of our lives so that we could be good parents for the children. I never thought I was missing out on much. Joel made me so happy. My kids made me happy. Seeing them grow up and change, learn how to talk and walk and count, it's such a blessing. My kids are the result of mine and Joel's love for each other. And they are so loving, because me and Joel were so loving to each other.
Marriage is hard. It's about two people learning how to become one. Me and Joel are not going to always be one hundred percent in love. There will be a lot of fights. Big ones and small ones, but as long as we keep our love for the Lord the center of our marriage, I know that we can fight out the worst of the storms.
Everything begins and ends with God. I will love Joel forever. He is a wonderful father, a wonderful husband and a very loving man. He is my heart and He is my forever. My only love. My love.
Joel is my best friend. We spent the last 7 years of our lives together. We have gone through many ups and downs. We have pushed through many hard times, but throughout everything, we have held hands and got through the worst of storms together. He is my best friend. We laugh, we play, we watch movies together. Most of my favourite memories in life are with Joel. I used to think that I was in love when I was 7 years old. Because of Joel, I know what real love is. He loves me, and I love him.
My sister said that everything begins and ends with God. We love because He first loved us. I know what love is and I know how to love because I know that God loves me. I love Joel because God loves me. I love him no matter what happens because God loves me unconditionally.
I am not perfect and I make a lot of mistakes in life, but Joel is the first one to tell me when I am doing something wrong. I don't take criticism lightly, he knows that. But when Joel says something to me, I do fight back, but I listen and I learn. I am stubborn. I am very stubborn and I like to do things in a certain way. Joel is the only person that could tell me, Mari, you need to do this this way. Yes, I would fight back, but I knew he was right. Joel was usually right a lot of the time. It took a lot of time for me to learn how to submit as a wife, but because I loved and respected Joel so much as a husband, I was able to submit as a wife. I do have my faults. I like clothes piles. I love clothes piles. Joel was never a fan of my clothes piles. I also didn't like doing laundry. I hated folding. Joel was always best at the folding because of his Old Navy expertise. I did help sometimes!! I bet Joel hated folding laundry too, but he did it for me. I love him for that.
I also hated doing dishes. I get these rashes on my hands if I do them too much and then they start bleeding. Joel always did the dinner dishes. I would do the predinner dishes! But he would do the dinner dishes. I loved him for that too.
I love spending time with him. That's something I would constantly crave as a wife. With our busy lives, Joel's 14 hour shifts, and me being in work and school, and doing homework and working from home, and taking care of the kiddos, and prepping dinner for Joel, our lives were busy. It did become a routine, but there were the random days where we would get to spend time together, and I treasured every moment. Joel always knew how to make me laugh. He never not made me laugh. He is one of the people that did make me laugh. I'm not very easily amused. Just by Joel.
In a marriage we both had to sacrifice so much of our needs and wants for the kids. That's what happens when you get married young. We had to sacrifice parts of our lives so that we could be good parents for the children. I never thought I was missing out on much. Joel made me so happy. My kids made me happy. Seeing them grow up and change, learn how to talk and walk and count, it's such a blessing. My kids are the result of mine and Joel's love for each other. And they are so loving, because me and Joel were so loving to each other.
Marriage is hard. It's about two people learning how to become one. Me and Joel are not going to always be one hundred percent in love. There will be a lot of fights. Big ones and small ones, but as long as we keep our love for the Lord the center of our marriage, I know that we can fight out the worst of the storms.
Everything begins and ends with God. I will love Joel forever. He is a wonderful father, a wonderful husband and a very loving man. He is my heart and He is my forever. My only love. My love.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
That's ridiculous.
Sometimes things don't work as you planned them. I planned these holidays to go one hundred percent differently than what actually happened. It's hard to write a blog without actually revealing what happened but secrecy is a must, for my sanity and for other people's sanity.
Therefore, as a result of secrecy, this will be a very emotional blog. This past week has been absolute torture for me. It feels as if someone just ripped my heart out of my body and I can hardly breathe. Literally, it's hard for me to breathe. It's hard for me to eat, or wake up every morning, or to go to sleep every night. What I thought was happiness apparently wasn't. When I thought things were okay, apparently they weren't. At times I felt like I would rather be dead than to have to feel the pain of living. That's how this past week has been for me. It's hard to bounce back from such an emotional heartbreak, it really is, especially if it came out of nowhere. I'm still somewhat in shock, hoping that I will wake up and this was all a horrible dream. But every time I wake up, it's not a dream and my heart is still absent.
This past week I have learned about heartbreak, and now I'm learning about rebuilding. Rebuilding my life and my heart from the very beginning. I feel like a newborn baby, not knowing what to do, what to expect, wanting something and crying for it, and sometimes receiving nothing. Maybe as a "newborn" I don't know what's good for me and I have to trust the Lord to take care of me and renew my strength. I don't always get what I want. Sometimes I expect something to happen and it doesn't and I get disappointed. I need to learn how to trust the Lord to take care of me. I need to learn how to trust. I haven't been very good at that, apparently. I have had to guard my heart for most of my life, and then when I let my guard down and feel like I can finally trust again, my heart has been snatched out of my body, tossed into the garbage, stomped on, spat upon, torn apart, ripped into a million pieces and here I am left lifeless and wandering in the dark. That's what happens when you put your trust in people. I need to learn how to put my trust in the Lord. I need to learn how to love God first. People say to guard your heart. My heart is gone and is in the rebuilding phase. It'll take a long time before I have a heart to guard.
My kids look at me with their innocent eyes and I don't know what to say. I don't know how to respond to them anymore. I feed them, I clothe them, I bathe them, I hug them, but my heart is gone and I feel like I don't know how to love them properly. But my heart is in the rebuilding phase. One day I'll learn how to live again, one day I'll learn how to love again. Right now, I'm waiting on God, I'm depending on him to carry me through each day. To give me strength to breathe in every breath. To help me to take care of my children. I'm depending on God to rebuild my heart. It's just hard that once I actually let my guard down and actually trusted someone, I got hurt. I'm scared. I'm scared to love, I'm scared to trust. I'm scared to be happy. I'm just scared to live. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to be feeling this pain. It's hard to live through each day. Every day gets longer and longer and I dread waking up every morning. God is helping me, every minute of every day, but it is a long, long process and I have to live one day at a time. I'm not going to smile or laugh for a long time, right now it's hard to even get up. But I have to take it one day at a time.
Maybe one day I'll be able to smile again. Maybe one day I'll be able to laugh. Maybe one day I'll even be able to love again. But at this moment, for someone to expect something more of me other than just to be breathing, that's ridiculous.
Therefore, as a result of secrecy, this will be a very emotional blog. This past week has been absolute torture for me. It feels as if someone just ripped my heart out of my body and I can hardly breathe. Literally, it's hard for me to breathe. It's hard for me to eat, or wake up every morning, or to go to sleep every night. What I thought was happiness apparently wasn't. When I thought things were okay, apparently they weren't. At times I felt like I would rather be dead than to have to feel the pain of living. That's how this past week has been for me. It's hard to bounce back from such an emotional heartbreak, it really is, especially if it came out of nowhere. I'm still somewhat in shock, hoping that I will wake up and this was all a horrible dream. But every time I wake up, it's not a dream and my heart is still absent.
This past week I have learned about heartbreak, and now I'm learning about rebuilding. Rebuilding my life and my heart from the very beginning. I feel like a newborn baby, not knowing what to do, what to expect, wanting something and crying for it, and sometimes receiving nothing. Maybe as a "newborn" I don't know what's good for me and I have to trust the Lord to take care of me and renew my strength. I don't always get what I want. Sometimes I expect something to happen and it doesn't and I get disappointed. I need to learn how to trust the Lord to take care of me. I need to learn how to trust. I haven't been very good at that, apparently. I have had to guard my heart for most of my life, and then when I let my guard down and feel like I can finally trust again, my heart has been snatched out of my body, tossed into the garbage, stomped on, spat upon, torn apart, ripped into a million pieces and here I am left lifeless and wandering in the dark. That's what happens when you put your trust in people. I need to learn how to put my trust in the Lord. I need to learn how to love God first. People say to guard your heart. My heart is gone and is in the rebuilding phase. It'll take a long time before I have a heart to guard.
My kids look at me with their innocent eyes and I don't know what to say. I don't know how to respond to them anymore. I feed them, I clothe them, I bathe them, I hug them, but my heart is gone and I feel like I don't know how to love them properly. But my heart is in the rebuilding phase. One day I'll learn how to live again, one day I'll learn how to love again. Right now, I'm waiting on God, I'm depending on him to carry me through each day. To give me strength to breathe in every breath. To help me to take care of my children. I'm depending on God to rebuild my heart. It's just hard that once I actually let my guard down and actually trusted someone, I got hurt. I'm scared. I'm scared to love, I'm scared to trust. I'm scared to be happy. I'm just scared to live. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to be feeling this pain. It's hard to live through each day. Every day gets longer and longer and I dread waking up every morning. God is helping me, every minute of every day, but it is a long, long process and I have to live one day at a time. I'm not going to smile or laugh for a long time, right now it's hard to even get up. But I have to take it one day at a time.
Maybe one day I'll be able to smile again. Maybe one day I'll be able to laugh. Maybe one day I'll even be able to love again. But at this moment, for someone to expect something more of me other than just to be breathing, that's ridiculous.
Friday, December 7, 2012
How Do You Not Stress Out?
I'm tired. I feel like all my blogs start off like this, but this time, I really am tired. It's the last weekend before school ends which means, yes.....it means I have 6 exams this week. One on every day of the week, and that includes Saturday. So yes, I am tired. Not only do I have 6 exams, I also have 2 assignments due and 1 presentation due. So yes, I am tired. I am spent, and I want to cry in a corner.
Not only do I have school, but I also have work, and flyer uploads and merchants and final QCing, and Job posting, all of which take up at least 2 hours a day of my time. And yes, none of you know what flyer uploads, merchants and final QCing is and how tiring it is, but believe me it's tiring. I also have OSing and emailing and it's just a lot of work.
Not only do I have school and work, but I also have kids. Mateo is in his clingy phase, and by clingy I mean that I have to carry him ALL THE TIME or he will cry until your ears fall off. It is driving me insane because I can't get anything done with a crying baby. Josiah is in the phase where he doesn't want to do anything that I explicitly tell him to do BUT if I find a way to tell him to do something and make him think that it was his idea in the first place then he will do it. Which takes a lot of thinking in a part of my brain that I don't really have space for. So yes, I am tired.
Not only do I have school and work, and not only I am a mom, but I am a wife. As a wife, it is my responsibility to take care of my husband and make sure that there is food on the table when he gets home from a hard day at work. I have to make sure that I pay attention to him when he talks, and I have to cater to his needs and his wants and make sure that he is happy and content. Not that this part of my life is a burden, it really isn't, and my husband helps me too, but sometimes it's hard for husbands to understand how much is going on in their wives' life and all the wives in this world can attest to what I am saying.
So right now, I feel like there is a huge world of pressure on my back. I can't fail school, I can't fail work, I can't fail my kids, and most importantly I can't fail my husband. It is a lot of pressure and I am tired. I have never EVER been so tired in my life. My body is tired, my mind is tired, I am soooo tired that I can't even sleep. That's how busy my brain is. I really don't think that anyone can understand how tired I am or how much I am going through right now, and I can't really talk about it to anyone because then I would be selfish venting about my life and stresses and I would be a failure because I can't handle everything. I end up just clenching my teeth half the day, which is really bad for them. But I clench my teeth when I feel like screaming or throwing a tantrum, but I can't. Because what mom throws tantrums right?
This blog is more like a vent. A very unfruitful vent. Usually my vents end up being a life learned lesson, this one isn't really a life lesson, it's just a vent of how tired I am and how no one will really understand me and how I am so mega tired that I just want to crawl in a hole, plug my ears and hum lullabies to myself.
Not only do I have school, but I also have work, and flyer uploads and merchants and final QCing, and Job posting, all of which take up at least 2 hours a day of my time. And yes, none of you know what flyer uploads, merchants and final QCing is and how tiring it is, but believe me it's tiring. I also have OSing and emailing and it's just a lot of work.
Not only do I have school and work, but I also have kids. Mateo is in his clingy phase, and by clingy I mean that I have to carry him ALL THE TIME or he will cry until your ears fall off. It is driving me insane because I can't get anything done with a crying baby. Josiah is in the phase where he doesn't want to do anything that I explicitly tell him to do BUT if I find a way to tell him to do something and make him think that it was his idea in the first place then he will do it. Which takes a lot of thinking in a part of my brain that I don't really have space for. So yes, I am tired.
Not only do I have school and work, and not only I am a mom, but I am a wife. As a wife, it is my responsibility to take care of my husband and make sure that there is food on the table when he gets home from a hard day at work. I have to make sure that I pay attention to him when he talks, and I have to cater to his needs and his wants and make sure that he is happy and content. Not that this part of my life is a burden, it really isn't, and my husband helps me too, but sometimes it's hard for husbands to understand how much is going on in their wives' life and all the wives in this world can attest to what I am saying.
So right now, I feel like there is a huge world of pressure on my back. I can't fail school, I can't fail work, I can't fail my kids, and most importantly I can't fail my husband. It is a lot of pressure and I am tired. I have never EVER been so tired in my life. My body is tired, my mind is tired, I am soooo tired that I can't even sleep. That's how busy my brain is. I really don't think that anyone can understand how tired I am or how much I am going through right now, and I can't really talk about it to anyone because then I would be selfish venting about my life and stresses and I would be a failure because I can't handle everything. I end up just clenching my teeth half the day, which is really bad for them. But I clench my teeth when I feel like screaming or throwing a tantrum, but I can't. Because what mom throws tantrums right?
This blog is more like a vent. A very unfruitful vent. Usually my vents end up being a life learned lesson, this one isn't really a life lesson, it's just a vent of how tired I am and how no one will really understand me and how I am so mega tired that I just want to crawl in a hole, plug my ears and hum lullabies to myself.
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