WAIT! Stop Yelling and WAIT! That's All You Need.

Today on my way home this guy behind me flipped out because he didn't have enough space to turn into his favourite burger joint and I wouldn't move up for him because there was a car in front of me. He squeezed his way through then continued to yell at me that I had enough space. I yelled back that I didn't. He was so upset that he couldn't eat his burger two minutes earlier than he could have. 

This whole debacle upset me. I was absolutely livid that someone would yell at me that he couldn't get to his burger on time. It's not like he was on his way to the hospital. He was turning into Apache burger....they're not even that good. Did he have to pee? Was it some emergency? If it was, he still had time to stop beside me and yell.

Regardless, yesterday I shared a video about people fighting over a parking spot at Costco. Literally. Fighting. Over a parking spot. I've been there. That's my home Costco. There's a lot of parking. It's a plaza. You can park at Walmart. The fact that they took the time to yell, then proceed to punch each other over a parking spot. It's a parking spot. The time you spent fighting each other, could have been spent trying to find another parking spot - for pete's sake, the guy filming the video said that he was trying to leave but he couldn't because their car was blocking him. If they just waited two minutes, one of them could have had his spot.

I think that's the key word though. Wait. If the guy who yelled at me WAITED until the light turned green, then he wouldn't have been so angry, if the people at Costco WAITED until the next parking spot became available, then there would have been less angry people, and less crying children.

Why are we all in such a rush? None of these situations were emergencies.

On my way home today I was so angry, but then I thought, what is there to be angry about? I'm not going to waste my drive home on such a beautiful day, dwelling on something that I couldn't help make better. Thinking more about the situation would have made me more upset. And the guy eating his Apache burger probably is still ranting about how I wouldn't move up. I'm going to take the higher road, and look around me, and feel blessed.

I wish people would do that more often. In any event of stress, we should just stop and think about the blessings that you have. The blessings that God has given you.

I haven't talked about this much, but on my trip to the Philippines and India, aside from learning a lot about work, I learned a lot more about myself, and just how blessed I am to even be living in Canada.

People probably say that a lot after visiting a 3rd world country. I hated it there. I hated it in India, I thought everything was dirty and gross. All I could hear and see around me was poverty and sadness, and just.......poor people. I wanted to go home to my house, with my family, and my bed, and my comfort.

On my first day back in Canada, I realized why I hated India so much. I hated it because it showed how little I'm doing in my own life. It revealed to me how ungrateful I am and how I don't take the time to be......thankful. Every day I would complain that I'm tired, that my car feels like it's breaking, or that I don't want to eat chicken again, for the 15th day in a row. Or I complain that the house is so messy and that I'm tired. 

One day, on one of our hour long drives in India, I noticed something. Beside the people bathing on the streets, and people digging through dirt looking for food, and a couple of stray dogs running around, beside the children selling randomness to cars in traffic, and beside the shanty houses, and dirt houses and cloth houses. Beside all that crap of garbage was one white wall, written in red spray paint "Jesus loves you." That's all it said. And you know what? Jesus does love them. Jesus loves you, and he loves me.

It's so simple. Jesus loves us. He loves us all. Whether we have money, or if we're poor, or if we're sad or angry. Jesus loves us for who we are. We're all in the same boat. He doesn't love one of us more than the other. He just loves us. Isn't that all we need? 

Can we all just stop? JUST STOP! Take a minute. Look around you! Be grateful! Stop being so selfish. Stop thinking about YOURSELF. JUST STOP! Please! Be happy. Be happy that you're alive. Be happy that you have food on the table, or internet every day. Just be happy that Jesus Loves You! Not everyone knows that, and maybe that's why they're so angry......and impatient............and cranky. It's okay. It's okay to be angry, or annoyed, or cranky, or yell. That's fine. Just don't dwell on it. Don't let the anger sit there. Remember, Jesus Loves You. That's all you need.

The Hulk Loses in Me

What fuels your anger?

I've never read a book about controlling your anger. I've never take classes and I've never been to therapy. I just know that some things are worth being mad about and other things just arent worth my time and energy being mad about.

Being a mother of three, it's important to learn how to control your anger and what's worth yelling and not yelling for. I read this article about a kid who was scared of his mom because she just yelled all the time. It was a more in depth story that I probably won't tell properly but it really spoke to me. What kind of mother do I want to be? Do I want to be that mom who nags and yells all the time or do I want to be that calm, kind and loving mom who shows compassion and caring for everything. How do I want my kids to remember me when I die or when they get older? How do I want the world to remember me when I die?

You also have to keep in mind that anger doesn't just affect you. It affects everyone around you as well. Anger is a very selfish emotion. It sucks the happiness out of yourself and everyone around you. Do you really want to do that? Is what you're about to be angry about worth making everyone else around you and yourself miserable? Do you really want to ruin everyone else's time and day?

When I got married someone gave me the advice "pick your battles." I use that advice for my anger as well. Is this worth being angry for? I'm not going to let my anger win this battle. I pick my battles. I'm not going to let my anger control me. I stay in charge of my anger and most things aren't even worth getting angry for if you think about it.

That doesn't mean I don't care or that I choose to make others mad on purpose. Even though that's what it may look like to others, it's not. I just choose to stay positive. I choose to stay in my mental happiness because what you're getting mad over is something that I don't think is worth the time, the energy or sucking the happiness out of everyone around me for. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I feel that staying calm and dealing with the situation in a more rational and happier manner is better than the way your anger is dealing with it now.

So yes. I care that you're mad. But I just choose to deal with it in a better way.

So what makes me mad then? What's worth being angry for? I refuse to get mad for anything materialistic. So if I lose an item, if my kids break my phone, if my wallet gets lost - all that is replaceable and there are better ways of dealing with that situation than anger. Now, if someone is hurting my family. If someone hit my dog or attacked my kids. If someone was driving drunk and hit my car and my family was hurt. Those are all situations that would trigger the hulk inside of me. Im a mom. I love my family and will fight for them with every bone in my body. Anything else is materialistic and replaceable. I choose to value and treasure my relationships than to let anger control me. Don't get me wrong. I get annoyed a lot. But I don't get mad like I used to.

By the grace of God. This is who I have grown to be. This is what He has taught me. And this is why I am the way I am today. I haven't always been like this but I've been through so much in life, that I choose to let go and let God be in me and live through me.

Life is hard if you choose to make it that way. I choose God.

This is me, just appreciating life. Too Blessed to be Stressed.

It's been over a year since I've written a post, but I feel it's most necessary today.

Sometimes we get caught up in our own lives. In our own little worlds, without thinking about other people and what effect you've had on them. I've felt so selfish the last couple of days because I haven't been able to keep in touch with my friends and family. I'm so busy, stuck in the daily routine of taking care of 3 kids and a dog and a husband.  Life gets busy and we don't realize that it does pass us by so fast.

My youngest son, Jacob, is now 1, and he's walking and pushing his big brothers around already. Mateo is starting school in September and I have to register him for school in January. And Josiah will be in grade 1, beginning that life of real school, with real desks and real rules (do they have desks in grade 1?). My life is swimming by me and I haven't taken the time to enjoy it.

I read a blog yesterday about a mom who was going through the same thing. Her kids always thought she was mad because she just didn't have time for the snuggling at bed time routine.  That's the ultimate definition of me - I feel like a sergeant in the army. Constantly telling my kids - Time for bed time, time to wake up, you have 10 minutes to clean your room. And they do it with very little, to no arguing. Do they even know I love them?

Life is passing me by and I'm being selfish about it. I complain that I'm tired, that I want to rest, that I need a break, but I don't think about other people. I haven't even taken the time to ask how my friends were or to ask how my parents are, how their lives are doing or take the time to just breathe.

I think I'm going to do that more. Appreciate life a lot more, and stress a lot less. My dog will die in about 10 years. Nala will die when Josiah is 15, Mateo is 13 and Jacob is 11. That's a short time, and because of Nala, I learned to appreciate every annoyance, every phase, and every single time she watches TV with me and plays with the kids. Life is short, it's shorter for Nala, but in general it's just short and we need to take the time to appreciate every part of it.

Today my Lola Paring passed away (My grandma/My mom's mom). I don't remember much about her, but what I do remember is that I loved her so much. I think that's what people remember the most when someone passes. How much love they had for that person, and I loved my Lola. But as my sister says, she's better now. When I got the news I was just sad. Sad that I never talked to my mom about my Lola, sad that I never asked my mom how Lola is doing, or how my mom is in general. I take advantage of all the good people in my life because I'm so stressed and like a drill sergeant, I'm always on the go and always too busy.

I refuse to be a drill sergeant. I will take time each day to be thankful for what I have. Sometimes I have these days (mostly Saturdays) where I wake up and see my house, and I just feel thankful. Thankful for these 3 kids and this house and the husband (that's still sleeping). Then that feeling quickly dissolves as I see the mess that Nala made (she chewed up our heavy duty rug the other day - don't know how) and I have to clean it up. That's when drill sergeant mode kicks in - Clean nala's mess, make the kids breakfast, make coffee, feed nala, fold the laundry, check work email etc. etc. But in those first few seconds of my (usually Saturday) morning, I feel a sense of gratitude and thankfulness for everything I have and for all that I am.

That feeling needs to not end. I'm not saying I want to be a hippie where I'm just super thankful for the skies, and the air, and my shoes and go to a world of pure bliss. I don't want to be a hippie. I just want to take more time to appreciate my kids in their every stage. To appreciate Nala in her every stage. I don't want my kids to see me as always angry, or always drilling them. And I don't want other people to see me as only caring about myself and not having time for others. I want to be more appreciative of everything and I don't want to be a stressball anymore. There's no more time in this world to stress because stressing is a waste of positive and valuable time that I could have spent playing with my kids.

I can't even remember the last time I played with my kids.

Appreciate life for all that it is - after all, we're not here for that long. Like this dude from work says, "Too blessed to be stressed"

It's All About You - It's Not About Me

 Me and my Lola (I am an exact replica of Mateo) Reppin' the Pink socks and red shorts (whut whut)

My Lola Paring

 My sister (sorry Ate - for the glasses), Kuya Mike (too cool for school) and Me with my Lola

 My sister (sorry Ate, again - With the glasses), Kuya Mike, Ate Kat and Me with my Lola

Every day is a Mission

Every day is a mission.  Getting up, making food, eating, sleeping, breathing.  I feel like I can't do it anymore.  I don't have the energy to get up in the morning or even eat.  I am beyond tired and exhausted to the point of exhaustion.  I thought going to school with two kids and a job and being married was tiring.  That's easy compared to what I'm going through now.  My mind is gone.  I am beyond baby brain.  I can't even remember my kids' names sometimes.  I rarely get any sleep and my mind is always on busy mode.  I am constantly thinking about something.  Something to do, something I may have forgotten, something I was supposed to do.  And if it's not something I forgot, I'm thinking about stuff that I should do or should have done.  I think about stuff that I could have done differently.  I think about how Mateo and Josiah think I might be neglecting them because I'm so busy with baby Jacob.  I think about how I should be doing more, and how I'm not doing enough.  And with all this thinking, nothing gets done.  I get emotionally drained and emotionally tired.  My body aches, my brain aches and in the end I just want to sleep but I can't because I have to feed the baby and because my busy brain just won't let me sleep.  I am tired.

In the middle of the busy-ness of life, I always remember, God only puts us into situations that we can handle.  So I can handle this.  Three kids, marriage, a job and all the other stuff that I'm handling right now.  God knows that I can do this, and so I will do this, and I will get through this tired phase and again, things will get better.  I also have to remember that I'm not alone in the world and I have to learn how to ask for help and learn how to let things go.  I can't worry about what other people think of me.  I need to worry about myself and my family.

As tired as I am, I feel very blessed to have 4 wonderful men in my life.  I have a beautiful family and I am very happy with my life right now because I know I am loved and I have something to live for.  Every day, as hard as it is to get up and do stuff, I do get up and I do cook, and I do eat and breathe and live through the crazyness that each day brings because I love my family and because they need me and because this is what I was meant to do.  As a mother and a wife, I was meant to love and care for my family, and it truly is a blessing to be able to do what I do every day.  I am forever grateful for what I have, and who I have in my life.

So yes, every day is a mission.  Every day is hard.  Every day is just painful and exhausting and I just want to cry.  But every day is still a blessing.  Because I am loved and I live to love.  So I thank God for my life and every part of my life.

Eye of the Tiger

Every time I hear Katy Perry's Song "Roar" I feel like crying out of utter joy.  This year has been the WORST year of my life.  EVERRRRRR.  Somehow, I managed to get through everything.  I feel like no matter how hard life got, no matter how many times I was pushed down and beaten up and shoved into a corner by life, I still got up again and fought back and I feel like a champion.  I really don't like starting off blogs with a whole paragraph about how great I am and how amazing I am because in reality, I wouldn't be here today without my family supporting me, and my friends being there for me.  I wouldn't be anywhere without the people surrounding me, and of course, without the strength of God in my heart I wouldn't have gotten through anything.

I know most of what I write is about overcoming obstacles and difficult times in life.  I just think that it's important to remember that no matter what happens in life, you can always, ALWAYS get through any difficulties that come your way, because God only gives you what you can handle, and honestly, once you get through the difficult times, you kind of feel like a champion and that you can conquer anything.  That's how I feel when I listen to this song.  I have been through so much this past year and I got through it and I feel like a champion and I want to just celebrate because I feel like I can breathe now and I am ready for more obstacles to come my way.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

Today is Going to Be a GOOD day!!!

I woke up this morning with the sun beaming on my face and thought, “Today is going to be a horrible day!”

The sun was beaming on my face, I was all sweaty because our A/C broke, and the kids are looking into my face SCREAMING for cereal.  I thought to myself, “Today is going to be a HORRIBLE day!”

I made their cereal, and my oldest decides it would be a GREAT idea to toss his bowl on the floor.  I look at the mess and think, “Today is going to be  a horrible day.”

I go to the bathroom, only to see that my husband didn’t flush the toilet and he left the toothpaste cap off.  I thought to myself, “Ugh, today is going to be a horrible day.”

I get the kids ready for school, which takes HOURS because they’re kids.  I get my bagel in the toaster and rush to put on my work clothes, only to realize that the outfit I wanted to wear is in the laundry. And to top it all off, my bagel burnt in the toaster.  Yes, today is going to be a horrible day.

I get in my car, drop the kids at school and go to work.  They raised the parking price by 10 dollars.  Amazing.  Today is going to be a horrible day.

I walk in to work only to realize that once again, the building put the AC on full blast, and I forgot my sweater at home.  I didn’t think I had to bring one seeing as how it was the hottest day of the year.  I shiver as I turn on my computer.  Today is going to be a horrible day.

Staring at my computer screen for 5 hours, freezing in my chair I decide to go for a walk outside to warm up.  It’s nice and hot out, I realize then, that I forgot to call the repair man to fix the AC.  My house is going to be boiling when I get home.  Today is going to be a horrible day!!

I walk around the block and drink about 3 gallons of water to keep myself cool.  Whew, it’s a really hot day today.  A nice policeman tells me that I should stay inside.  There’s a heat alert warning.  I walk past a couple of people on the streets thinking, they should get inside, they look thirsty.  And I walk back to the office and toss the extra water bottle I was carrying into the garbage.

I finish off the freezing day at work and drive home.  I was stuck in traffic for about an hour but I finally made it.  I picked up the kids and turned on the car radio.  The announcer said that 7 homeless people died today due to the heat.  I thought, it wasn’t THAT hot, they probably died of overdose or something.

I went home, and realized that my husband fixed the AC  and the house wasn’t even that hot.  My husband ended up coming home early and cooking dinner for me and the kids.  The kids had an exhausting day at school and wanted to sleep early and my husband and I were able to squeeze in a movie before we went to bed.  I thought to myself, I guess today wasn’t that bad of a day.

………………………………………………………………………………………

I woke up this morning with the sun beaming on my face and thought, “Today is going to be a good day!”

I reached over to pick up my satchel carrying my life’s possessions, a toothbrush, an extra change of clothes, a couple of hair ties, and two pairs of socks.  I wanted to start the day feeling fresh, only to realize that my satchel was gone.  Someone had stolen it.  “Oh well,” I thought to myself.  “Today is going to be a good day!”

I walked over to the fountain and washed my face, two little kids were laughing at me and throwing pieces of their left over hot dog buns at me.  I picked a piece up, looked at them and smiled, thinking, “Breakfast! Today really is going to be a good day!”

I gathered the rest of my “breakfast” and put it in my pocket.  I walked over to Shelley’s hut to see if she would want some breakfast too.  She wouldn’t wake up.  I thought to myself, “She’s with the Lord now, in a much happier place, probably eating a nice meal with Jesus.  Today is going to be a good day.”  I wiped the tear from my eye and continued walking.

Off to work I go.  Grabbing my usual high traffic spot at the corner of Main and 23^rd, I saw all the people walking on their way to work, busy with their cell phones and business conversations.  I found a penny on the floor, smiled to myself and thought “I may be able to afford a new toothbrush, today is going to be a good day!” 

I settled into my spot when a cranky policeman that had missed his morning coffee gave me a bright yellow piece of paper, he said I had to pay it within the next two weeks, and then he made me move from my spot.  I thought to myself “How nice that this man thinks that I can afford to pay a fine, when I don’t even have shoes on my feet.  Today is going to be a good day.”

I walked back around to find the nearest shelter.  I was hot and needed some water, the shelter is usually helpful with things like that.  Turns out, it’s one of the hottest days of the year, and the shelter is already filled with people that need water and a place to stay cool.  I thought to myself “How nice that they were able to help out that many people!  Today really IS a good day!”

I tried to find some cool air in one of the nearest buildings.  The security guard turned me away.  I tried 10 more buildings, and was turned away ten more times.  I sat on the floor and stared up at the sun.  I thought to myself, “Today is going to be a good day!”  I fell asleep out of exhaustion and heat.   I’m actually not sure if I passed out or fell asleep, but I like to think I have the privilege of resting in the beautiful sun, unlike all the business people who are stuck inside all day, slaving away in front of those computers of theirs.

My heart starts beating faster and faster as the sun reaches its highest point.  I stare up at it thinking, “What a beautiful view, not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes….” And start humming a tune.  I start feeling dizzy again.  I don’t feel so well.  I want to vomit, but the piece of bread I had for breakfast is already digested and there’s nothing left to vomit.  I try to tell myself one more time, “Today is going to be a good day!”

All of a sudden I feel someone lift me up and carry me away from all the heat and my body feels strong again.  I feel happy, the happiest I’ve been.  It’s a feeling of inexplicable joy.  I don’t want to open my eyes because I fear that this happiness will go away.  I take a quick peek at my Saviour.   I rest my head on His shoulder and I smile because I know that where I am going, EVERY DAY will be a good day, just like today.

Thank you Jesus, for making today a good day!

Love and be loved.

If you died tomorrow, how would you spend your last moments in life? If your best friend died tomorrow, what were the last words you said to her? Were they memorable? What if your wife and family were to die in a car crash? Were the last moments you spent with them memorable? Did you treat them in the way you want them to remember you? Did you say everything that needed to be said? Again I ask, what if you were to die today? Did you live your fullest, laugh your loudest and love the most?

Lately I've been thinking alot about death and what is important for me to leave my family. How do I want them to remember me? What legacy or memory do I want people to remember me by?

I realized that the most important things in life are not material things. It's not about cars or shoes or big houses. They won't always be there. The most important thing in life is building relationships with the people around you. To be remembered as loving and caring and giving. At my funeral it's not going to be my computer or my car or my phone that comes to my funeral, it will be the people that I love and the people that I built a relationship with. 

We don't know when we're going to live or die. Spend the time you have on earth loving the people around you. Don't isolate yourself. Love others and show them that you love them. They may not be there tomorrow. 

Graduated and it feels so good!

I don't think I expected to feel the way that I did this week. It was a very big week for me and being the person I am, I always try to hold in my emotions, pretending that it was no big deal to me, but it really was. I have been waiting so long to graduate from school but life and bad decisions on my part, kept pulling me away from my goal. I love school. I always have and even when I didn't really try, I would excel in school. It was the one constant in my life. No matter what happened in life, school would always be there. It was something I could melt into when my life around me was too difficult and it was something that I would push away when I wanted to do other things on life. I took advantage of school and wasted so much money. By the time I was old enough to realize how important it was and how much I enjoyed it, there was no money left.

I ended up working full time to try and get back to school and then when I worked up the courage to go back, my dramatic life turned me into a different direction. I got married. Had a baby and school was obviously on hold and not number one on my list of things to do. But it was like an unfinished puzzle. It was a constant poking at my back. I wanted to apply again when Josiah was old enough to go to daycare but by then the money bank was gone and I ended up with another life, literally. After Mateo was born I realized that I would need more than a high school education and a couple unfinished years at a post secondary school to get me a job that would help me support my kids and raise my family. School wasn't about me anymore, it was about my family.

That was it. That was the drive I needed. We had no money in the bank, all I had was determination and my need and desire to graduate for my family. Life wasn't about me anymore. It was about my kids and what would be best for them in the long run. So, I got a part time job and went to school just as Mateo turned 1. I immediately loved it. I loved the atmosphere, I loved the work, and I loved the feeling that I was accomplishing my goal not just for my sake but for my family's sake as well. This time I can't screw up. This time I can't quit no matter how much I want to, because my family is counting on me. My children are counting on me.

Semester after semester went by. I tried my best, I worked my hardest and I loved it. I was doing it! I found myself a routine. I got into the groove of being constantly busy and I found that the times where I wasn't doing anything was just a waste of time. I would work even from home, do my homework, study for tests, pick up the kids from school, make the kids dinner, make Joel dinner, life was busy, I was exhausted, but I loved it.

 And then just as the third semester was ending, right when I complete my exams, everything broke down in my family. Everything just crumbled and I had no idea why. I don't know what happened, I don't know what I did. All I knew was that I was working my butt off and it wasn't good enough. I was neglecting my family. I didn't pay attention to the issues that were happening. I failed to communicate in my marriage, rather we failed to communicate to each other. And everything broke down.
 I realized what was important in life. I realized that my kids and my family need more attention, I wanted to quit. There was no way I could complete my last semester on my own. There was no way I could do this on my own. I thought I was doing it on my own but then I realized how much I needed my family to love and encourage me. Without that then I didn't want to be in school. I don't want to be here because my family broke down and they were the only reason I was in school in the first place. My family was my motivation and with that gone I had nothing. But when Life smacks you in the face, there's always people around you to smack it right back when you can't do it yourself.

I felt God through the people around me. I literally fell into a hole and I could see all the hands trying to pick me up and pull me out of the hole. God really speaks through people and I was truly blessed by the people at church (CTO) and was even more blessed by my sister who almost single handedly pulled me out of that pit. Without my Ate and her husband and my parents and the people at CTO I would not be here today.

Life takes its dramatic turns always and it is these turns that builds me up as an individual.  I was able to overcome one of the hardest trials in my life and God was there and never let me go through any of it alone.

Here I am today, with Joel and my parents in the crowd watching me, waiting for me to cross the stage.  Here I am with my gown nicely covering my six month baby bump of a boy.  I find it unbelievable how far I have come in the last couple of years, never believing in myself that I would make it here today.  Obstacles overcome and surrounded by people that I love. And as I walk up that aisle and get my diploma, as I shake the hand of the president at Humber college, I think only of the people who supported me throughout the entire process, especially during the final semester. Without that magic slow cooker and the random acts of kindness that I received those last few months, I would not be here today, a graduate.

I really thank God for everything and for everyone that he has brought into my life. I can't and never know how to express my feelings of gratitude to those people who helped me when I thought I was alone. I spent many nights crying by myself but God kept reminding me at the most perfect moments, that I was not by myself, that I could trudge on and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am ready to face the next Obstacles and the gazillion more to come because I know that God is my rock and he will always be there to carry me through.

So today I hold my diploma but I feel like it is not just mine. I feel like in this piece of paper there is a part of myself, my sister, Jon, my parents, my husband and those at CTO who showed me continuous love and support.

You all carried me through these past few months and I wouldn't have been here without you.

To you all I am forever grateful.

Life isn't easy.  No one ever said it would be.  I've been so busy lately, even with school done, there's a lot of work to be done too.  I have had to focus more on my family lately and just drown myself in the joys of having kids and a husband.  I just love to be loved and it's a nice feeling to be loved.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it takes to be a good mother and a good wife.  My expertise in these two areas have been questionable.  I think at times I have lost focus on my family because I have been submersed in school work, exams, and school.  Now that school is finished, I am able to focus on my family and what is really important in life.  I have completed a huge milestone in my life, graduating, but I think that I maybe lost focus on really enjoying the blessings of being a mother and a wife.

Being a mom takes a lot of sacrifice.  Life isn't about me anymore, I never really get to do things for myself.  Every single decision affects my family and my children.  I need to think about them in every decision that I make because they don't have minds to think for themselves.

Josiah is 4 now, and he's starting school in September.  He's so big and is a great help, when he's in a good mood.  He puts his shoes and jacket away, cleans his table after he eats, picks up his toys and puts them away at night, and even tells us when his little brother pukes or makes a mess.  He's a little tattle tale, but that's okay, because I prefer that sometimes.  He also never lies.  If he does something wrong he says "I did it" even though he knows he might get in trouble.  A lot of the times he says "Teo made a mess" and that's okay too.  He's a very smart boy and I'm so proud of him because he is so kind and friendly and loving and independent.

Mateo is 2 years old.  He is a little bundle of trouble.  He likes to climb, he likes to pour water on the table and play with it.  He likes to cry and pukes a lot.  He eats anything he sees, and likes to just play with everything.  Mateo is a joy.  He also loves to be loved like I do.  He loves to be hugged and he hates getting in trouble.  He has to know that everything is okay even after he makes a big mess.  He needs to know that I still love him no matter what.  He is so precious and is hard to get mad at because he just looks at you with those big eyes and you know that he just wants a big hug.  He is always smiling and brings joy to anyone around him.  It's the saddest thing when he's sad.

Those are my kids.  I love them oh so much and I am so proud to be a mother to them.  It takes a lot of patience, and it takes a lot of love to be a mom.  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and tired that I forget the joys and blessings of being a mom.  My kids are so precious to me and I will always love them.

Being a wife is even harder.  As a wife you have to have a lot of patience too.  And even more love.  I love my husband more than I love a lot of people.  Most people.  I didn't know how much I loved or how much I could love until I met my husband.  Every day I'm reminded of how perfect we are together.  We are opposites on most interests and sometimes that scares me, but I also find that life is more interesting when the person you are with knows a lot of different things than you do.  Joel can talk about cars all the days of his life.  He knows the ins and outs of cars.  He works with them everyday, even on his days off he's at his work, working on cars.  It's beyond a hobby to him, it's his lifestyle.  At first I found this a bit boring and a bit annoying, but now I admire him for having that ability to know so much about a box on wheels.  To me a car is a car, but to him a car isn't just a car, it's a lot more than that.  I have learned to love cars because he loves cars.  I love what he loves, and even though I have no idea what he's saying sometimes, I can see the excitement in his eyes when he talks about cars and that makes me happy to know that he's happy.

I don't have very many hobbies.  Harry Potter, Vampire Diaries, Hunger Games, The Food Network, Joel probably isn't as interested in those things as I am but he has managed to display some sort of interest in all those things.  He's watched Harry Potter and The Hunger Games with me, we watch the Food Network together.  It's nice to know that he cares enough about me to struggle through watching the Vampire Diaries too.

Marriage isn't always easy, but it takes a lot of sacrifice on both ends to just make each other happy.  Sometimes we forget that.  Life isn't about us, it was never meant to be like that.  What I've learned so far this year is that life isn't about me.  It's not about you or anyone else.  Life is about serving others, serving God and just doing the best we can to make other people happy.  That's where I find my happiness.  Knowing that the way I am, who I am, what I do, makes other people happy.  So even though at times I feel like I've lost my identity, and I can't do anything for myself anymore, I remind myself that my life isn't about me, I'm made to serve God, I'm made to love God and love others.  Love is selfless.

When I forget who I'm supposed to be as a wife and mother, I'm reminded of these verses:

Proverbs 31:10-31

New Living Translation (NLT)

A Wife of Noble Character

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?

    She is more precious than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband can trust her,
    and she will greatly enrich his life.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

¹³ She finds wool and flax
    and busily spins it.
¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
    and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

¹⁶ She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
    with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She is energetic and strong,
    a hard worker.
¹⁸ She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
    her lamp burns late into the night.

¹⁹ Her hands are busy spinning thread,
    her fingers twisting fiber.
²⁰ She extends a helping hand to the poor
    and opens her arms to the needy.
²¹ She has no fear of winter for her household,
    for everyone has warm^[b] clothes.

²² She makes her own bedspreads.
    She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
²³ Her husband is well known at the city gates,
    where he sits with the other civic leaders.
²⁴ She makes belted linen garments
    and sashes to sell to the merchants.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.
²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
    and she gives instructions with kindness.
²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household
    and suffers nothing from laziness.

²⁸ Her children stand and bless her.
    Her husband praises her:
²⁹ “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
    but you surpass them all!”

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
    but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
³¹ Reward her for all she has done.
    Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Lesson learned of the day?  Work hard, serve others, show love to others so that they can see the love of Christ through you.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Easter.  It means a lot to me.  This holiday and Christmas are two of my favourite holidays.  Yes, partly because all the chocolate is on sale and I can buy the huge blocks of Easter bunnies for $3.99 and keep it in my freezer for two months.  Also, it is because these two holidays mark very crucial times in a Christian's life.  Christmas, when our Saviour was born, and Easter is when our Saviour became.......our Saviour.

This year began as one of the worst and hardest years of my life.  I was hurt and even though I had family and friends supporting me, I felt the most alone.  It was also a time when I realized that God never leaves me because when I did feel most alone, I still felt God hugging me and holding me in the palm of His hand.  I knew He was there helping me through these hard times.  But I was brutally hurt and in pain emotionally.

This year I learned that people make mistakes.  Sometimes people will fail you and it is up to you on how you handle those failures.  Do you hold it against them, let the anger burn in your heart until it grows into becoming an angry grudge and then you end up holding that angry ball in your heart.............or do you forgive, hold no anger, hold no resentment, and give it all to God?  How do you handle it when people seriously wrong you?  Do you punish them yourselves?  Stop talking to them?  Yell at them?  Hit them?  Do to them what they did to you?  How do you handle things when people wrong you?  What if someone took your PlayStation and deleted all your trophies?  What if someone ate your favourite shoe?  What if someone crashed your car?  What if someone cheated on you?  What if someone cut your arm off and served it in their restaurant?  What if someone just left?  How would you handle it?

What if you wronged someone else?  What if you were the one that ate the shoe because it looked like a chocolate bunny?  What if you crashed your friends car?  What if you cheated on someone, or left someone?  What if you cut someone's arm off and served it in your restaurant?  How would you want that someone to treat you?  You would beg and plead for forgiveness and not really expect it, right?  I know if someone ate my arm I'd be pretty pissed.  I couldn't high five my kids anymore.

Now ask yourself for real.  How many times have you wronged God?  How many times have you made a mistake in your life?  How many times have you made the wrong decision and not only hurt another person, but hurt God?  People will fail you, people will make mistakes.  God never makes mistakes and God never fails us, but in our lives we constantly fail Him.  What does God do in response to our failures and our mistakes?

He loves.  God is love.  We sin, we make mistakes, we make bad decisions, we are selfish and make decisions based on what we want in our lives and God says, "Here is my son, He loves you and He will die for you so that you don't have to atone for your sins."  God sent His son Jesus to die for us.  I think that is said and heard so much between Christians that for some people it becomes a regular statement with no meaning.  People hear this statement every day, and sometimes people don't really care.  So imagine this, if you are a father or a mother you know how you spend your entire life protecting your children.  Imagine having to sacrifice your own child for a whole bunch of people that have hated you and wronged you and are just purely evil against you.  Imagine watching your son die like Jesus did for people that don't care.  That's how much God loves us.  That's what love is.

Now when someone fails you, when someone wrongs you, when someone just causes you so much pain and hurt what are you going to do?  For me, I know that I will at least try to do what God did for me.  I'm going to just try and love.  Because who am I to place judgment upon other people?  Who am I to say this person doesn't deserve forgiveness even though they show true remorse and are showing that they are trying to fix everything wronged?  I am not God.  I am not perfect.  I have made many mistakes and errors in my life and I have hurt many other people.  I don't expect them to forgive me, but for me, if someone wrongs me, no matter how bad, I will try to love and forgive.

Everybody has their sins, everybody has their faults, and God still loves us no matter what.  Shouldn't we as Christians at least try and display that same kind of love and forgiveness that God gives us?  Sometimes people are more judgmental.  They think that because they didn't murder, or they didn't steal, or they don't swear or they don't do anything wrong then they are better than others.  Sometimes people think, this person wronged me so much, I'm better than them and they need to prove to me that they deserve my forgiveness.  They need to prove to me that they're good enough for me.  Some people think that when they're wronged it is their job to punish that person for doing the wrong.  I don't think that it's our place to judge, or hate on people.  I don't think that it's our place to say "This person did something so horrible that I don't want to talk to them anymore, I don't want to forgive them until they prove they are worthy of me."  I think that when someone wrongs us, we need to try, at least try and humble ourselves and forgive these people.  I'm not saying that people need to walk all over us and if someone hurts you just let them keep hurting you, that's not what I'm saying.  I'm saying that if someone that has wronged you asks for your forgiveness, try to forgive them in your heart.  Don't hold any grudges or anger, or ball up resentment, for your own good, forgive.

Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."  It is not my job to stone a prostitute or an adulterer to death.  I have many sins of my own that I should be stoning myself for.  It's not our job to judge other people.  It's not our job to hate other people for their sins and mistakes.  It is our job to love, to show love for those who have wronged us.  Let go of all the hate and anger in your life that you hold towards people or situations that have occurred.  Let go of all the burdens in your heart and let God take care of you.  Really let God take care of you.  At least for today, on Easter Sunday, on Resurrection Day, try.  Try to forgive, try to love.  Let God do His job on Easter Sunday.  Let go of your anger, your sins, your regret, your burdens and give it to God because God sent His Son to die for you.  He really did.  Don't ignore it.  Today let everything go and let God take control of your life.  Really.  Just do it.

Lose Control

Life isn't easy.  It was never meant to be.  The past few months I had to keep telling myself "God only puts us into situations that we can handle" and then I found myself asking God, "How much do you think I can handle?"  I always thought life was controllable.  I had a plan.  I planned how I wanted my future to be, what I wanted to do, and I counted on all of that and depended on those plans to follow through.  All throughout my life my plans were trumped.  Things happened and I had to alter my plan and change it.  Time and time again my plans kept on getting trumped and altered.  God was trying to tell me that I'm not in control, he is.  I can't plan for my life, because God is planning for my life.

My sister and her husband are missionaries and they are constantly called by God to go and follow his calls.  They walk in blind faith, knowing that God is leading them toward what He wants them to do.  I need to learn that, that is the lesson that God keeps trying to teach me.  I have to learn how to trust God and love him and know that He is in control of my life and that I do not need to fear.  God feeds all of the animals and all the little birds, they depend on Him for life, and He cares for them.  If God will care for His animals and creatures, I have to trust that He will care for me even more.

So even though I'm not in control of my life, I know that I will be okay.  I know that I am loved and I know that He will take care of me.  You can't plan for every moment of your life.  You need to trust God.

I trust God with my life.  I really do.  Now, after everything that has happened in my life, I know that God is taking care of me, because no matter how bad I think my life gets, I still feel His love, and His guidance.  I feel this through my family.  I feel this love through my friends who are there for me.  God takes care of me and I know it.  I'm not scared of what will happen in my future.  I know that God is holding me in the palm of His hands.  I can feel that He loves me.  It is an exhilarating feeling, knowing that I don't need to stress over my future because God is taking care of me.

Overwhelmed.

The last few months have been very overwhelming for me.  With a lot of uncontrollable factors happening in my life, I was left to depend not on myself, but for God to take control of my life.  I have learned a lot of lessons during these past few months.  One of them was patience.  I had to be patient.  Live life based on God's timing and not on mine.  I can't rush life, I can't rush the things that I want, but I have to be dependent on God and know that God is taking care of me.

I also learned about grace.  I learned that the only way to live life when people have wronged you is to be gracious to them.  Vengeance is the Lord's and I had to learn how to give everything to God and not be mad, but to be gracious to those who have wronged me.

I learned about unconditional love.  I learned how I shouldn't take my family for granted because in the most difficult of times, it is my family who is there for me.  To take care of me, to support me, and to be that stronghold that I need when I feel like I can't do anything anymore.  Without my family, I would not have gotten through these hard times.  I need my family, I love my family and I will love them forever because they will love me forever.  My family was given to me by God and we are there to help love and support each other.  I am forever grateful for my family.  Even these words do not describe how much I love my family.  I can't think of any words to describe the emotion that I feel for them.  They are incredible, unbelievable, and amazing.  I LOVE the family that God has given to me and they make me the person that I am today.

I learned that I am stronger than I think I am, but only when I am properly dependent on God.  If I am by myself, depending only on myself, I am weak, but God gives me strength when I rely on him to take care of me.

Today, specifically today, I learned that I am exhausted!  Both my boys are super sick and I am so tired from all of the stress of work and school and all the emotional stress that I have been through lately, and all the stress that it takes to care for two boys who are terribly sick with some sort of crazy pants flu they caught from the daycare.  I am tired.  I stayed at home the past 2 days and I am still so tired and exhausted.  But I do know that I get my strength from the Lord, and my family did stop by to drop off food.  

All the blessings that I used to overlook when I was a child during my "stressful" times as a teen, I have learned to embrace and love as an adult.  That's the first time I've called myself an adult, but I guess turning the ripe old age of 26 with two children, I am an adult *sigh*.  I have learned so many things in the last 25 years.  Josiah just turned 4, Mateo turned 2.  I live in a busy house, with a busy life and I am bound to encounter many issues and dramatic problems.  I think that I have finally learned how to deal with my problems.  Maybe.  Instead of trying to fix everything by myself, it is okay to ask for help.  It is okay to talk to my family and ask for advice.  It is okay to talk to God and ask for grace and love and forgiveness.  Everyone has their issues and their problems.  You're not the only person in the world with big dramatic issues.  I have learned that I need to not only put myself in perspective when life is at its worst, but I've also learned that there are people around to help you go through these problems.

For the last 2 months I have been completely overwhelmed with my own little crisis.  But I think that God and my family and friends have put me in perspective.  Helped me to realize that I am loved and that I am not the only one with crazy dramatic issues and that when life is at its worst, God is there to help me through.  Even when life is not at its worst, God is still there.

From now on, if I feel like my life is being overly dramatic and I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, I'm going to pray for those around me, and in the world who are twice more overwhelmed and exhausted and are also going through a hard time.  Love and be loved.

Waltz vs. jazz hands

I just woke up from a dream. A most enthralling dream if that is the word. In this dream I learned a valuable life lesson that, naturally, I choose to share with my social network world. I had a dream:

I was in a dance room in a line up of students. We were all supposed to be partnered up and in groups we were supposed to be auditioning or showing our teacher some sort of hyper scat jazz hands show offy move. The groups were going pretty fast and when my group came, my partner ran ahead of the line and decided to leave me and do his jazz hands audition at the head of the rest of the group. I didn't know he was my partner. All I knew was that our group was moving real fast and I had to followthem by myself doing my jazz hands show off move. The thing is, I'm not a show offy jazz hands person. I hate dancing and showing off. I passed by the teacher half heartedly.

The teacher then turned off the fast paced jazz music and called the groups back and began criticizing. Before our group was called up, I told the guy "I think you're my partner" and he said oh, and I sat beside him. As the teacher called up our group, again my partner runs to the front and leaves me. Annoyed but eager to hear his criticisms, I listened to the teacher. "You were good but your jazz hands were too show offy and you were over enthusiastic." As the teacher proceeded to judge the couple in front of me, nice, slow waltz music came on. I lost interest in the judging and told the girl in front of me that I was never really good at dancing and didn't know why they made me take this class. Probably to justify to myself the bad criticisms I was about to receive due to my lack of effort and interest in jazz hands.

As the waltz music continued to play I looked around the room and noticed two elderly couples dancing in the background to the waltz. They both were so in love and were so happy to be dancing with each other. They were kissing and being lovingly old and feeble. My heart started to cry and long for what they had.

Then I woke up. I realized immediately what the dream meant. Either you continue chasing that guy who just wants to show off in front of the class and do everything by himself to prove to everyone that he is the best so that he feels like he belongs whilst you are constantly chasing after him and him constantly trying to get away from you because you suck at dancing and are an embarrassment to him. Or you be with someone who loves you until you are old and feeble. Be with someone who will dance with you in the background not ashamed to kiss you and love you and doesn't care what anyone thinks because the woman he loves is in his arms and that's the only thing that he needs to make him happy. Not his friends, not what other people think, but that the woman he loves loves him back.

That's what I want. A love that will last until I'm old and grey. I'm not chasing the attention hog. I want to be  with someone that wants my attention and loves me for who I am.

Life in the Dip

Have you ever been on a roller coaster?  I'm sure you have.  There's this roller coaster at Wonderland called the Behemoth, I think it's the last roller coaster that I've been on.  It has this nearly 90 degree dip that makes you feel like you're plummeting to your death.  It's the longest climb to the top and the longest dip to the bottom.  That's what I feel like my life is like.  It has been a huge uphill climb, and when you're at the top you just fall, everything just falls apart.  I feel like I've worked so hard to get where I am and just when I think that I've accomplished something, I plummet.  Everything goes wrong.  What could go wrong has went wrong.  I feel like no matter how hard I work, it's not good enough.  This is the deepest and longest dive that I have ever taken in my entire life.  The biggest disappointment that I have felt and just when I think that I couldn't feel worse, the coaster is still plummeting.  It is a long dive to the bottom and I'm heading straight for it.  The ride is not over and I wish it was.

I live my life in fear.  Fear of being hurt, fear of being disappointed, fear of failing, but what I have learned is that on the Behemoth, the large and huge dip is at the beginning of the ride, and the rest of the ride has other small dips and ups and downs, but once you over come the big dive, the rest of the ride is a breeze.  I think that life is the same way.  Full of ups and downs, big ups and downs, lots of failures both from yourself and by other people, but life will pick up again.

The biggest mistake is living in that fear.  Not wanting to do anything because you feel scared that you will be disappointed or you will disappoint someone.  Not doing anything because you don't want to fail.  The worst thing you can do is live in fear so much that you just keep your life stagnant.  Stuck at the bottom and not even try to climb that uphill battle.  That's a boring ride.  You need to pick yourself up and move on.  Learn from your mistakes, learn from the past and move on.  That's how it should be.  If Josiah falls I tell him to get up, and Jojo gets up, brushes his hands and keeps walking.  Mateo on the other hand, falls and it's like the end of the world, he waits for me to pick him up and comfort him.  Mateo, just like most of us, have to learn that sometimes when you fall, no one is going to be there to pick you up, if no one is there then you have to learn to pick yourself up, brush off your hands and keep walking.  Sometimes there will be someone there and you should really take their hand to help you up, they'll help you brush up and comfort you and then help you to move on.

Life is a roller coaster ride.  Ride it all the way until the end.  Don't just settle for the stagnant bottom of the barrel ride, you have to work to make it through all the troubles and all the trials, make it out of the dip and pull yourself forward, or have someone to help you pull forward.  Sometimes dips are so low that you'll need help getting out, and people are always there to help you out.  Just make sure it is the right people.  If it's the wrong people, they're probably just going to keep you company at the bottom of the barrel, and who wants that?  It's better to climb and get up than to just sit in the dip.

I'm not a sitter.  I climb.  Right now, I need hiking shoes and a friend to help shove me out of this dip.  And I know I have that support to help me through the hard times.  Make sure that you have the right friends that will help you out of the dip and not the ones who will sit with you in the dip.

Life moves whether you sit in the dip or climb out of it.  Don't let life pass you by because you didn't want to try and climb out of your hole.

When I Cry, You Cry, We Cry Together

When I was younger, one of my cousins said that my talent or gift was the gift of compassion.  I was like "Thanks Ate Al!!!" but I had NOOOOOO idea what compassion was.  Had we had something faster than MS DOS, I probably would have looked it up on the internet........Did MS DOS have internet?

Anyways, years later, I realized what she meant.  I can literally feel other people's pain.  It's like I'm connected to them.  When I used to go to school downtown I would always see homeless people asking for money, and I used to feel so guilty for not giving them any.  But I do remember hearing from somewhere that if I give them money they're just going to buy booze or cigarettes.  I settled for vowing to buy them a sandwich or coffee once every day.  Then I realized I was too shy and ended up just feeling bad every day I went to school because I didn't give the homeless guy something.  Maybe that's why I didn't finish..................

Well, here I am now, going through my own problems and issues, and yet, I still seem to feel huge amounts of love and compassion and grace for those who have hurt me the most.  I don't feel anger or hatred, I just feel love, compassion and grace.  I don't understand why.  My sister told me it was because I know how to love because I know God's love.  She's usually right (not when it comes to driving or directions) but in these aspects she's usually right.

When going through these hard and difficult times, I think that if I didn't have people to talk to, if I didn't have people to confide in, then I wouldn't be so loving and compassionate and gracious as I am now.  But I keep thinking to myself, if I had confided in someone that was giving me bad advice, would my vulnerability realize that it was wrong advice?  What if someone told me in my vulnerability that I the correct thing to do would be to empty out my bank account and give all the money to charity.  It seems like the proper thing to do, donating to charity is a good thing, and if I had to waste all my money, it better be at a charity, right?  But where's the logic in that?  What about my kids? and rent? and groceries?  In my vulnerability during these hard times, would I still be able to discern from logic and stupidity?

I feel that it is important during these vulnerable times to hold on to the truths in your heart.  And if you lose all those truths in the process of pain and anger, hold on to one because this one truth is constant: God.  God loves you, God cares for you, God is there for you and God will take care of you.  Hold on to those truths.  If you hold on to those truths, whatever people tell you, you will be able to know whether it is Godly advice, or not so Godly advice.

In addition to holding on to these truths, confide in people that believe in these truths.  You know that they will help guide you in the right direction.  Confiding in people who don't know God, and who don't know these truths or fully understand them, will lead you in the wrong direction and you will be lost and angry and in pain longer than you should have been.  Confiding in the people who believe in these truths will help you to move on from your problems.  They will help you realize what is going wrong in your life, and they will help lead you to God.  They know compassion, they know pain, they know what you're going through.  They've been through it.  If you think you are all alone in this world and no one understands you, it's because you haven't talked to people that have held on to the proper truths in life.  You haven't spoken to people that know and love God.  How do you deal with your problems?  Talk to a godly friend, don't bottle up your anger and emotions.  You're not going to heal.  Ignoring the problem doesn't fix it.  It pushes it further down until you explode and this will happen over and over and over again until you learn how to confide in a person or people who know the truth of God's love.

When I cry, you cry, we cry together.  It was a song from my teeny days that I loved because it was so true of me to feel other people's pain when they told them to me.  If you're going to cry, cry with someone.  But make sure that someone has the ability to point you in the right direction, the direction that will help pick you up from the reason you were crying and the direction that will help you learn from mistakes.  That direction is God.  Cry with someone who will cry with you and point you towards God.

Beliefs

"I was out of balance as a kid with no guidance from adults helping me build accurate beliefs that would enable me to see life from God's viewpoint.  My early experiences led me to continuously seek pleasure, thrills, excitement, and fun.  These experiences dominated my mind, and I had no idea that the things I thought about all day and night would wind up settling into my heart as major, powerful beliefs.  Do you know what the world calls this pleasure-craving, thrill-seeking belief? Hedonism.  And I'm convinced that hedonism is the dominant belief that permeates our society.  I will explain in chapter 5 how I changed this belief, but suffice it to say for now that early experiences are one source of the beliefs we hold, often for the rest of our lives."  Gary Smalley - Change Your Heart, Change Your Life

I'm reading this book that the above excerpt was taken from.  It is an amazing book about how to change the way you think so that you can change your life.  I am only on the second chapter and I feel like this blog is essential.  This book is speaking to me in so many ways, and helping me grow in Christ.

This specific chapter was about our beliefs.  Where they came from.  Ask yourself really, what do you believe?  How do you react to situations?  What happens when life gets hard, what do you do?  Every single action you make is a reaction to what you believe.  The way we act is based on what we believe.  In the book, Gary Smalley gave an example of how his father when he was growing up had a really bad temper.  Gary hated the way his father treated them because he was always mad and yelling.  When Gary had his own children he vowed he would never become like his father, he told them "If I ever get out of control angry like my father did, let me know."  Long story short, when their family went on vacation Gary went all angry and out of control and his kids called him out on it and told him that he was acting like his father.  What's the point in me telling you this?  We are shaped by the way we grew up.  We can inherit bad beliefs, like Gary's anger and bad beliefs can come from our culture (like many women who get beaten by their husbands in Africa become accustomed to this treatment).

He then goes on to state that wrong beliefs are the source of all evils.  "What is the source of all this evil?  Did not Jesus tell us that evil actions come from the beliefs stored in a person's heart? (Matthew 15: 18-20)? It's true.  Everything anyone does is a reflection of what is in his or her heart.  These actions come from beliefs picked up early in life form experience, family or the culture and those beliefs produce the selfishness, violence, and greed we see rampant around us."

Our beliefs are real.  It is important to have the right beliefs stored in your heart.  And if right now you have the wrong beliefs, this book will help you change your heart and change your life.  I'm only on chapter 2.  I don't know how to change these beliefs, but Gary Smalley says that he's done it, that he's helped many people change their lives because of the steps he has taken to change the beliefs that they inherited.

Sometimes I think I'm worthless.  Sometimes I think that I'm not good enough to be a good mom to my children or that I have been a horrible wife.  I need to change my heart and change my life.  My value is in Heaven, that much I know.  And I know that God loves me and is carrying me through all of these difficult times.

If you feel like your life is going in the wrong direction, if you feel helpless and bound by your past, if you feel like you can't do anything to change your life, then read this book.  But you MUST be willing to actually WANT to change your life.  You can't change your life if you don't want to.

Peep and the big wide world

There's this show on TVO kids called peep and the big wide world (or something along those lines) about a baby bird who learns stuff about the world and gets lost and such. But peeps world is a little section in the forest and yet he still gets lost and gets into trouble.

For a while I think I've been stuck in my "big wide world."  I've been living in my own world getting lost in my own problems, worrying about me. Today I realized that my big wide world isnt as big as I thought it was.  I realized that however big I may think my problems are, other people have worse problems and I shouldn't be so self absorbed in my own world.

Whenever you think you are having a bad day, week or month, try and remember that the person sitting next to you in class may have just lost her mother. The customer you are serving may have just been diagnosed with terminal cancer or the person walking in front of you may have attempted suicide the night before. If you feel like you are suffering from the biggest problem that you have ever faced then pray. But don't pray for yourself, pray for those who may be suffering from a bigger issue than yours. Pray for those who don't have family or friends. Pray for someone other than yourself and you will be put into perspective.

This is a big world. Try and remember that you are not the only one living in it. Everyone has their issues and messed up lives. It's not just you. Talk to people. Make friends and be loving to those who may not feel loved. In your mind it may be your world but there are still millions of people living in it. Put yourself into perspective.

Love when you can love. Help where you can help. If you feel like you're drowning in your own problems, then serve where you can serve.

It is a big wide world with lots of people in it that need you. Be selfless. Your issue becomes smaller when you realize that other people have bigger issues than you.