Every day is a Mission

Every day is a mission.  Getting up, making food, eating, sleeping, breathing.  I feel like I can't do it anymore.  I don't have the energy to get up in the morning or even eat.  I am beyond tired and exhausted to the point of exhaustion.  I thought going to school with two kids and a job and being married was tiring.  That's easy compared to what I'm going through now.  My mind is gone.  I am beyond baby brain.  I can't even remember my kids' names sometimes.  I rarely get any sleep and my mind is always on busy mode.  I am constantly thinking about something.  Something to do, something I may have forgotten, something I was supposed to do.  And if it's not something I forgot, I'm thinking about stuff that I should do or should have done.  I think about stuff that I could have done differently.  I think about how Mateo and Josiah think I might be neglecting them because I'm so busy with baby Jacob.  I think about how I should be doing more, and how I'm not doing enough.  And with all this thinking, nothing gets done.  I get emotionally drained and emotionally tired.  My body aches, my brain aches and in the end I just want to sleep but I can't because I have to feed the baby and because my busy brain just won't let me sleep.  I am tired.

In the middle of the busy-ness of life, I always remember, God only puts us into situations that we can handle.  So I can handle this.  Three kids, marriage, a job and all the other stuff that I'm handling right now.  God knows that I can do this, and so I will do this, and I will get through this tired phase and again, things will get better.  I also have to remember that I'm not alone in the world and I have to learn how to ask for help and learn how to let things go.  I can't worry about what other people think of me.  I need to worry about myself and my family.

As tired as I am, I feel very blessed to have 4 wonderful men in my life.  I have a beautiful family and I am very happy with my life right now because I know I am loved and I have something to live for.  Every day, as hard as it is to get up and do stuff, I do get up and I do cook, and I do eat and breathe and live through the crazyness that each day brings because I love my family and because they need me and because this is what I was meant to do.  As a mother and a wife, I was meant to love and care for my family, and it truly is a blessing to be able to do what I do every day.  I am forever grateful for what I have, and who I have in my life.

So yes, every day is a mission.  Every day is hard.  Every day is just painful and exhausting and I just want to cry.  But every day is still a blessing.  Because I am loved and I live to love.  So I thank God for my life and every part of my life.