It's a New Year, No duhhh

Well, I guess it's time for that usual new year blog.  A reflection on 2011.  What did I learn?  I learned many things, but the main thing that I learned was how much of an impact sacrifice has made on my life.  Sacrifice, to me, is giving up the things that you want and need, giving up all of your own desires and selfishness for someone or something. 

In 2011 Josiah turned 2 years old, and I also had Mateo.  One child is a lot, two is too much.  With one child I was still able to do all of the things that I wanted to do, like go out to the mall, go for a walk around the block, eat out at a restaurant.  We were able to be Mari and Joel + 1.  With two kids it is a whole different ball game.  Literally, it's the difference between baseball and basketball.  Totally, totally different.  I can't go to the mall by myself, or go eat out at a restaurant, or even go for a walk around the block.  With Josiah and his tantrums, and Mateo being so dependent on me for everything, it makes doing anything for myself nearly impossible.  When I was on maternity leave, I couldn't do anything until Joel got home.  I couldn't even shower until Joel got home from work.  And Joel worked 7:30am to 9:30 pm so it was basically me watching the kids ALL day.  And then I still had to have dinner made by the time Joel got home.  So it was very hard for me to do anything.  Keep the house clean, breastfeed, feed Josiah, watch Mateo.  It got even harder when Mateo started crawling.  There were times that I would find him playing with the toilet water, and there would be times that he would be randomly chewing on something.  I think I found a dime in his mouth once.  It's hard with two children.  A lot of the time I didn't feel like I was me anymore.  I felt like I was just the mother of two.  I had lost my identity.  That's something I had to sacrifice.  I had to sacrifice myself for my children.  Not literally, but emotionally, mentally and physically I had to change myself to understand that I wasn't just Mari anymore.  I am a mother.  Mother Mari.

Emotionally I had to change my concept of feelings.  I couldn't show any emotion of fear or sadness because Josiah would lose his confidence in me, as a mom Josiah has to believe I'm brave and strong and fearless.  I remember one time I stubbed my toe on a chair and I started crying because it hurt so much and I looked over at Josiah and he had tears in his eyes.  He was scared and worried and afraid.  I had to comfort him for like, a half hour because he was so traumatized that he saw me crying.  Ask yourself, how painful is it for you when you see your mom or dad cry.  It rocks your world because to you your parents are the strongest people in the world, they are supposed to take care of you, not you take care of them. 

Mentally, I had to alter my concept of thinking.  I remember browsing Facebook and seeing how everyone would go out to parties, or go eat out at restaurants, or just hang out at someone's house.  When I first had Mateo, Joel and I tried taking them out to people's houses.  It was hard.  Packing the bag, dressing the kids, Josiah's tantrums, getting them in the car, getting them out of the car.  It would take us almost an hour just to get them ready AND ourselves too.  It's such a hassle that if we could avoid it, we do.  Mentally, I had to realize that I can't do that anymore.  I can't go out, hang out with my friends, or do anything with them.  If I wanted to go out, I would have to find a baby sitter, schedule the date according to Joel's work schedule, it was just nearly impossible.  Even for work events, all of the people, or almost all of the people I work with are single and free.  I'm married with two kids.  My mentality is different.  They only have to think and care about themselves and worry about themselves.  I have to think and care about two kids and a husband.  Worry about what they're doing, if we have enough food, what to make for dinner, about their sicknesses and their general well being.  I had to alter my mindset from being Mari, to being Mother Mari.  I am not me, or the me that I was or thought I was or wanted to be.  I am the me that God made me to be.

Physically, I am exhausted.  Two kids is definitely exhausting.  One two year old that runs around everywhere, cries a lot, is very picky with food, and another who is crawling around, shoving everything into his mouth.  Being a mother of two is absolutely exhausting.  I can very rarely sit down and just relax.  Especially now since they're turning 3 and 1.  It's tiring.  Now that I'm in school, and work, and being a mother of two and a wife to obviously 1, it's extremely physically draining.  By 9:00 I just want to sit down.  How am I going to study, and watch the kids, and cook dinner?  I have no idea.  I depend wholly on the strength that God gives me. 

By knowing that God is in control of my life, I am able to live through every day.  I depend solely on the verse saying that God only gives me what I can handle.  Throughout 2011 Me and Joel have sacrificed ourselves, our lives and our friends, for our family.  God has changed us 100% to view our lives as parents and not as individuals.  Nothing else matters except that our children are healthy and happy.  So yes, I have sacrificed my individual self for my children and my family, but I like the new me that God has changed me into.  I am not me, I am what He has made me to be.